OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets


Boy Eats Girl (2005)

It's an Isle of Man film. I like the Isle of Man, it is tiny and looks funny on the map, and I've heard a Londoner talk about the Isle of Man in a decidedly amusing way, so I'm partial to something like "Isle of Man film". I'll give it that. And the gore we get at the end is over-the-top, funny and reminded me more than just a little bit of Braindead (Dead Alive for you Americans out there). And there is about 1 minute of people playing rugby - rugby is what jocks and assorted idiots in the US would like to play if they weren't such sissies and needed body armour for playing girls' games. Oh, and an Emo commits suicide.
There you go, I said everything positive about this movie.

However, this would be a ridiculously short review if I only stated the good things, so I'm going to tell you about this movie's problems. There are a lot of them, by the way.

The story: Boy is in love with Girl. Girl is in love with Boy. Due to a terrible misunderstanding and the malice of mankind, Boy commits suicide (because Girl didn't show up to a date - way to go, fucking Emo cunt). Mother of Boy luckily found a book on Voodoo in the bowels of the church she was working in, just a day before, because you know, Ireland is freakin' filled with old - ancient, even! - tomes on forbidden lore. Like Voodoo. That just happen to have spells on reanimating the dead in them. Boy get reanimated, becomes a zombie, for some reason doesn't run around to kill and eat people, infects other students who do, yadda yadda yadda, stupid movie, boring, the end.

Point by point: Why is there a book on Voodoo buried under a church? Did the filmmakers have ANY idea about the history of Voodoo? If yes, WHY?

I don't buy the whole "we're students at school"-thing either. I am sorry, young adults are NOT teenagers. The only one remotely looking like a teenager is the ginger guy, whatever his name is. Also, I appear to be entirely out of touch with how willing young "teenage" girls are to deliver blowjobs. I wonder if they are bisexual. If they are, I should probably move there and get a car.

And what is the ugly black ...thing doing in that movie? Is she the decidedly white guy's daughter? Where is her mother? Did I just miss something? Why can't she write a text message? Is she retarded?

Why is our "hero" writing emo-crap? I am sorry, this is supposed to be something along the lines of "horror movie", right? WHERE IS THE BLOOD? WHERE IS THE VIOLENCE?! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GORE?!? (to quote the Bloodsucking Zombies from Outer Space)

I again want to point out that I think that our heroine (Samantha Mumba) is ugly. Apparently, she's some sort of popstar in Ireland, but with a facial distortion like that, I really don't get it why. Her music must be exceptionally good.

Also, this is apparently set in Ireland, right? The tiny bottle of whiskey Emo-Boy consumes is ridiculous. 'nuff said.

And what could be the reasoning behind "let's NOT show the audience the voodoo-ritual"? Possibly "we have no idea how voodoo works" or something like that, but I digress. Well, actually I don't. Also, WHAT THE FUCK?! Is it some sort of pastime for Irish parents to dabble with voodoo and resurrect their kids after suicide?

Also, this movie could have done without idiotic girls in school uniforms. Ok, let me rephrase that: I am all for girls in school uniforms, especially if they have perky breasts. But I could do without the dialogue accompanying their appearances. I could also do with more hot lesbian teenage love (of which there is NONE). But I don't want to give the impression that I am nagging or anything like that.

Another thing that bugs me: Whose little sister was paid to "paint"/"draw" the "illustrations" in ye big Voodoo Book? It's so bad it's not even funny anymore.

Then there's "The Talk". Mother tells Boy that he is a zombie and that it is human flesh he craves. Huh? I'm sorry? So not only are mothers experts on raising the dead, they also are walking encyclopedias of undead creatures that roam the earth? I'm sorry, my suspension of disbelief stopped 24 seconds after the movie had started, so there is no way I'd buy that.

This movie isn't funny in the least. It's not even unfunny. It's bland and boring. Holy shit, it has a SCHOOL DISCO! I don't know about you ghouls and gals, but even when I was at the age to be able to partake of something like that I wasn't interested. And as a healthy adult with a healthy obsession with horror flicks I am even less interested in... SCHOOL DISCOS. Where's the gut munching? The ripping off of limbs? Beheadings? DEATHS, for fucks sake?!

Why doesn't Zombie-Boy EAT anyone? He's supposed to be a member of the undead now. Where's the whole insatiable hunger for human flesh thing? Oh, we just ignored that, because he's the hero of this ...movie.
Oh, and being a member of the undead can be cured by... *drum roll*... being bitten by a snake. Of course. Go on, movie. I am trying hard to refrain from making jokes about Snakebite, Cider and Whiskey, but man, it's hard.

By the way, what is this supposed to be anyways? It's not horror, it's not comedy, it's not romance, it's... nothing. It's not sure what it wants to be, and fails in all respects.

I nearly forgot that our heroine with the facial deformity is a martial arts supergirl. *sighs* At this point, I didn't even care anymore.

With 77 minutes, it's also too long.

I can't believe anyone could like this piece of crap. If you intend on watching it, get yourself a lot of alcohol or intoxicating substance of choice, because being sober when watching this is just wrong.


...and trust me, the only reason this doesn't get a 1/10 is because I have seen "Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City".

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