Isolation (2005)

Lionsgate, what else...

....oh, ahem. Sorry. Didn't know anyone was already listening/reading/watching, as I'm prone to random forgetfulness these days (yay for Gabapentin...). Wikipedia doesn't really mention it, but the side effects of this drug are impressive indeed. It's like having a déja vù all the time.

Anyways, enough of your host's (that would be me) rambling, and on to what ails us this time: Isolation

.As I already mentioned to TF*, this millennium is in some ways a new start in Horror. I mean... we have Sheep Horror (the brilliant Black Sheep from New Zealand, which I should review here anyways and prbably will), and now there's Cow Horror.

Yes.

Cow Horror.

This is what Isolation is about, basically.

For all you city folk out there, the concept of Cow Horror may be funny and all that jazz - but trust me, you didn't grow up around cows. You are missing something important - the mental link to this absurdity horror cinema throws at us. I have it. Win.

Let me preface this review with a fact: If you ever wanted to see how it looks like when a vet sticks an arm up a cow's ass, this movie is the movie for you. It will also remind you of past traumata (as in my case).

The setting is Ireland, the present. Some scientists** played around with the DNA of a cow - and now, the cow is calving, but the little critter is stuck in the, erm, inside of said cow. It's a bit sad that I didn't get a name for the animal, as I'm sure that even Irish farmers name their cows. I bet she's called "Betty" or something.




What actually scares me is the semi-enticed look on her face whilst feeling up Betty.


Scenes full of human drama enfold as we witness the tragedy that sets the premise of the movie up: The cow has difficulty giving birth, although two men are trying to get the little thing out. You see, Betty - let's call her Betty, shan't we? - is "very tight". I kid you not. Seriously.



Half stuck, Betty's calf already is something of a mystery to us - the thing inside her actually bit the veterinerian Orla who's caring for her (Essie Davis) whilst being in the womb, and the presence of a mad scientist (more on that later) doesn't help. We wonder - what is it? It's just a cow, right?




...or not.

Dan the farmer, who apparently owns the cow (Betty), as portrayed by actor John Lynch of various other movies' fame, gets bitten by the little one as he and Jamie (Sean Harris) try to help with the birth of the young. Something is indeed wrong with this genetically manipulated little calf.

Jamie and Mary: Apparently live in a trailer and are on Dan's land. My first guess was that they're in this movie to provide more gruesomeness. Mary even has resp. had a believable backstory, to my utter surprise. Then again, In was oblivious to the obvious.




Many of you city-folk (well, those of you who are A) actually readung this, B) familiar with the concept of "rural areas", C) live in an actual city, D) only see the countryside in movies or on vacation) will wonder about some points in the movie, or rather, one point: Why is everyone familiar with cows and how to handle them in this movie?

Simple.

Us countryfolk are... well. We are usually familiar with the animals living around us. This is where the past traumata I mentioned at the beginning of this review come in.

Did you know lots of little girls want to become veterinarians? I already told teh_mally*** and TF* about it, and now you're in for the ride as well.

[TRAUMA]

...
...
... back to the movie at hand.




Just like Black Sheep managed to make sheep into scary creatures, Isolation manages to effectively keep you on the edge of your seat once it gets going. It's creepy. And I'm not saying this out of some ...twisted fear of the countryside or somesuch thing. No, ghouls and ghosts, ladies and gentlemen and those of other persuasions***** - it's the movie. Yes, the story might be ridiculous and sound as if some totally stoned up Irish guy came up with it whilst hitting the bong one too many times, but it is a beautiful, well-crafted creature feature that is made out of the simple and stupid pretext of "mutant cow monsters".




On a stupid sidenote, it's amazing how much shit these animals produce. I almost forgot... but Isolation brings it back mercilessly.

Personally speaking I think that the movie works better for people with a certain, uhm, experience with the countryside. Especially the remote countryside. But aside from adding that little ..."personal touch" to horror, the movie delivers anyways. I won't give away too much because I actually recommend watching this movie and don't want to give too many spoilers than I already have, but damn - Isolation is infectuous (teehehee) with its cow-induced madness.



I mean... it has to say something that a gorehound like me thinks that a movie about cows is creepy and has jump-scares as well as unexpected deaths aplenty if you think of the limited cast (only 8 persons, if my count is correct). Well, not aplenty as in "lots of them" thinking of numbers, but as in "lots of them considering how many people actually appear in this movie".





I won't say more besides that it has a really icky twist and that the end really blows home.




8.5/10 biting teeth that are coming for you...



P.S.: Also, don't buy the German edition of the DVD if you want to watch your movie in English without subtitles. The German subs are hardcoded, which sucks balls royally and pissed me off to no end. I can understand English just fine, thank you very much, Sunfilm Entertainment. Fuckers.

P.P.S.: Thanks to Kroh for notifying me of this: http://www.shagrat.net/Portfolio/cows.swf

100% SFW!

* The Friend, in case you forgot. You know, the one who rarely reads the reviews and is the one who happens to be the person I watch the presumably "better" movies I get with. He also said I shouldn't buy the special edition limited 2-discs widescreen - something of Talos the Mummy with Christopher Lee. I still mourn this nonexistant loss.

** Exactly. Black science. I knew you'd all remember, my faithful, loyal min.... readers. You rock!

*** Dude. COW LEVEL!****

**** Gabapentin: Serious business.

***** I'm PC. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I can access the net via my hardware and software, but that I care for those that society doesn't like. Or something like that. Besides, Rincewind****** just puked in the kitchen.

****** The Primordial Malice From Beyond Time And Space

Mind Ripper aka The Outpost aka The Hills Have Eyes III (1995)

The Government Created Him. Now They Must Destroy Him.

Yay! Thanks to the fine folks over at Bloody Disgusting, I can finally watch the movie I've always wanted to watch again since I first caught it on TV about 12 years ago. This piece of work is called Mind Ripper aka The Outpost aka The Hillls Have Eyes III. It fails as an installment of The Hills Have Eyes, it fails as a Wes Craven output (then again, what were we expecting - he is only ....."presenting" the thing)... but it works as a nifteh, funny movie that I am deeply nostalgic for.

A group of three (3) scientists find a wounded young man in the middle of the American desert (well... some American desert). They inject him with a curious, uhm, injection - and soon after, the doctor who developed the. uhm, injected stuff leaves the project, as he is not okay with the way the other scientists are treating the subject.

Funnily enough, as coincidences go, on the day of leaving for his holidays with his family, the good doctor receives a phone call informing him about difficulties with the subject... his former subject.

Luckily, the movie is fast: 20 minutes into the movie, we already get our explanation for what what happened when. The military tried, as usual, to create a super-human soldier* by means of scientists**. Actually, they injected the guy they found with some sort of virus... which is now running wild in the subject, changing and transforming him.

...into something that leaves eyes behind.

In the meantime, we get some characterisation through father-son-interaction. Teenagers were allowed to smoke back then, and parents were allowed to get a little louder with their kids.




Cut to annoying daughter of scientist with her even more stupid and annoying boyfriend. "I want to pleasure you forever..." - we all know where that leads ***




For some reason I cannot fathom yet, the dysfunctional semi-family is heading towards the military headquarters - in which the three scientist/military-guys (and gal) are making a desperate run from something they can't understand. Whilst the family is happily walking into the former nuclear testing facility.




A former nuclear testing facility owned by some nice company named GenTec. I tend to inherently trust companies with names like GenTec. They can only have the best of humanity on their minds, surely? They wouldn't ever give in to scientific curiousity... or lucrative offers of high sums of money for more practical experiments. Surely not.




Gods, watching this movie is a pure delight. The camera is at times abysmally bad, very simple and... uhm... old. It's a cheap 90s B-movie in the tradition of 80s B-movies. It screams DTV-release with every fibre of its being. But I love it dearly. I just liked it when I accidentally caught it on TV more than a decade ago, and occasionally remembered it fondly. But now, I love it.




This is happening to the infected man's mouth, for example. In case you can't realise what it is, it's a tooth/claw at the end of a long, tentacle-like, penis-like thing that the mutated soldier can shoot out of his mouth - to feed on other people's "minds" (we freely assume he includes "brains" in that rather broad and metaphysical concept).

They also had computers back in those days when I was but a wee little babe.

Inevitably, the group splits up, because, you know, you're safer in small, uncoordinated groups when in some creepy, apparently deserted surroundings that shouldn't be deserted.

At the beginning of the third act, we get the explanation for all the weird stuff that has been going on on the defunct military base.




The thing that makes this movie special is the mutant/monster - "Thor" (TransHuman Organism). He has a background story, he even has character and a personality. He is changing, and he doesn't know what is changing in him or into what he is changing... and it causes him pain. We get a little twist here, one that makes Thor even more tragic than he already is... and then he loses himself in desperate rage.




Cut to our rag-tag group of heroes, off to save the day. With brains. Because they figured out that our anti-hero needs brains... or rather, certain parts of them.




We get some 15 minutes of filler "plot" (brother-sister-bonding, talks about dad, a useless dream sequence, drama, guilt etc.) before things really start again. Our refugees need to find the kids' father's hand, because only his hand is authorised for the main door (?)

One thing: This movie has far too many survivors. Far. Too. Many. Survivors. On the other hand, it has a nifteh monster that I've liked for the past 12 years.




Plus, I approve of monster-rape (one of the reasons why Evil Dead is such an endearing movie).

I mean... this movie just has it all. A nifty monster with character background, Lance Henriksen, death by monster, death by electricity, 80s visions of computers... far too many survivors... Still, a mightily entertaining flick. And I don't just say that out of pure nostalgia. I actually enjoyed watching this flick, even though the death-count is below acceptable.



6.75/10 sudden onsets of baldness. I love this movie.




*Black Science. Remember?




** Scientists are always working for governments and secret organisations and believe in Evil(TM).

*** Tcha. Better luck next time, mate. We got fooled with that.

Splinter (2008)

A young couple, Seth Belzer and Polly Watt (played by Paulo Constanzo and Jill Wagner respectively) are celebrating their anniversary by going on a camping trip - to have cuddly sex underneath the stars. However, things don't turn out as they were supposed to - they get car-jacked by ex-convict Dennis Farell (a great performance from Shea Wigham) and his reluctant girlfriend Lacey (played by Rachel Kerbs) aka "Firecracker", who is on withdrawal from her drug addiction.

Whilst driving on, they manage to run over a small animal... which, interestingly, manages to kill one of the car's tyres. The dead creature has splinters growing out of its body, which explains why it devastated the car that much. Dennis, whilst helping to change the broken tyre, gets stabbed by one of the splinters, which are stuck in the object. He dismisses it, and the four people carry on driving. Which would be fine... if it wasn't for the broken radiator of the car (courtesy of small splintery animal on the road). When they arrive at a gas station, which is abandoned, the real terror starts.

Man. I don't know what to say. Oh, no, wait. I do know what to say.

I've read numerous reviews about why Alien was such a great and suspenseful movie. As I am a child of the eighties and never really got around watching Alien before I knew how the creatures looked like, I never was afraid of the movie (when I finally watched it, that is). And I think that Splinter has the potential to be something akin to Alien when it comes to the terror and jump-scares the monster/creature can inspire in the hapless audience watching this film.

Seriously... I wasn't expecting much. First of all, monster/creature flicks aren't exactly what I'd term my favourite sub-genre of horror. More often than not, they are completely disappointing and ridiculous (I apologise to all the fans of monster horror flicks out there... we just have to agree on disagreeing with each other). But Splinter... wow. I was literally on the edge of my seat for most of the movie's playing time.

The acting is not bad - although there are some instances of the characters not exactly behaving realistically (mostly in the first 20 minutes of the film), the acting and interacting between the characters was fluent, believable and realistic. The only point I'd have to criticise in regards to the acting would be the character of drug-addicted Lacey (Rachel Kerbs) - she was just way over the top to be taken seriously as a real character. Withdrawal or not, it was just... well. Overacting. But that problem solved itself nicely.

And the creature... oh my god. We never get to see it fully, but trust me when I tell you that it's one magnificent, garbled, distorted monstrosity. I mean... wow. The way its parts are moving... awesome. Just awesome. More than awesome, even.

A solid movie with a good script, good acting, an awesome antagonist (or should I make that plural?) and a really good idea when it comes to creating terror in the audience. I was hooked from the very first minute on. Everything just... fits. Perfectly so.

It's a rare movie that can keep me entirely focused and at times creeped out. Splinter managed to do all of that, and more. Recommended - definitely recommended!



9/10 freakishly rearranging limbs, hungry for blood.

Cloverfield (2008)

Here I am, with a fresh start into the year 2009, and a fresh review to, erm, celebrate the new year on this later day. That's how much I love to celebrate.

I apologise for my lack of reviews in the past months; but problems with my health are keeping me from doing this more regularly (you may or may not believe it, but my movie-watching-quota has sunk drastically... *sighs*). I'll try to write more often this year...

Some Thing Has Found Us

Today's movie of choice is Cloverfield, as directed by Matt Reeves and written by Drew Goddard (who is also responsible for some episodes of Buffy, Angel, Alias and Lost, besides for being known as co-executive producer of aforementioned Lost) - and, ladies and gentlemen, ghouls and ghosts, I am pleasantly surprised.

Living on teh intarwebz, so to speak, I had of course read a lot of differing opinions on the long-awaited monster-movie of 2008, not all of them positive. When TF, who had eagerly awaited this movie since the marketing campaign had started way back, finally got his fingers onto the movie (I gave him my copy before watching it myself), was disappointed, my expectations were lowered even more. But alas - this movie is actually awesome.

Disclaimer: I'm under the influence of a soothing herbal mix.

Cloverfield starts out weird:

A group of friends (and acquaintances) is throwing an unexpected surprise farewell party for their mate Rob Hawkins, a young man living in Lower Manhatten, New York, because he's going to leave the city - and the country, even! - in order to work in Japan. This, of course, warrants alcohol and fun for everyone. One of those friends responsible for the surprise is Hub, who is more or less forced to record the testimonials of the people hanging out and chilling, so that Rob can watch the tape when he's far away from home.

That was the only part of the movie that I really could have done without and that bored me. But the hand-held camera is very realistic (something that, luckily, carries on throughout the whole movie, but more on that later) - I've had the misfortune to see such things a few times before, and it is very ...authentic. We get to know the people at the party, the gossip, the relationships between them - who is together with whom, who is sleeping with whom, who had an affair with whom and who might break up with whom... just a typical party with all the human drama that those things entail, after enough alcohol has flown and emotions started making complicated things even more complicated. Actually, I started to get curious... and suddenly, a big crash shakes the building, and outside, some parts of the city lose electricity.

Soon, the TV reports a possible earthquake in Lower Manhattan, with an oil tanker capsizing near the statue of liberty. The people decide to go there and see what is happening... and the camera follows.
Then - an explosion - panic. Sirens and alarms ring, people flee wildly through the streets - and no one knows what's happening. But in the background, there's a sound... like the roaring of a giant monster.
... and SOMETHING is moving. Something eery. Something big.

Gigantic, thunderous steps shake the buildings, the roaring fills the air with primeval, animalistic sounds. And all around, there are sirens, people screaming, police cars... and dazed survivors of the monster's wake. Manhattan is burning - a wasteland. Cars crashed, people crying, buildings shattered... and the severed head of the statue of liberty, like a blind reminder of what is being destroyed.

No one knows what happened and what it was that caused this destruction - but they figure that it would be best to get out of there...

Unlike Romero's Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield's camera doesn't exploit what is happening, doesn't want to bring some Truth - it just happens to be there, and records what is happening in a very subjective way. It's much less clean-cut and professional, but much more engaging for the viewer. It's like being in the middle of what happens, and it works for me. Then again, I'm stoned right now.

The monster is awesome. You can't really make it out, you only get glimpses of limbs, partial glimpses of body parts, and the sight is always partly covered, the cam shaking, and the frantic authenticity of the camera instills a sense of expectation and adrenaline rushing. Even a bit of terror at times.

Our group of survivors decide to walk through the tunnels of the subway line out of Manhattan - which is what I, personally, would consider to be a bad idea. Because, you know, it's dark in there...

Something that I found very good is that people in this movie actually get injured and attacked by critters and survive, without shrugging it off as if it were nothing (alternatively, dying...). The scenes in the makeshift sick bay are pretty good (though short), and the presence of the military and its stressed, aggressive but yet disciplined behaviour adds a good deal to the hectic feeling of the movie.

The style which is employed in Cloverfield leaves much to the imagination of the viewer. An individual with a certain sense of phantasy can fill in a lot during those scenes which leave the mind time to think, or to combine parts of a picture into a warped hole.

And I want to add yet again that the monster is awesome - full of win and awesome, in fact.


I heartily recommend watching this movie whilst being under the influence of your favourite herbal blend (perfectly legal, of course - I'd never condone the use of natural, healthy substances like the products of the cannabis-plant, because it's illegal and bad). Good stuff (both).


8/10 viciously cool limbs which move in a really cool way.

It Conquered The World (1956)

THAT'S RIGHT! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

"He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature... and because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection... they find only death... fire... loss... disillusionment... the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside, from Man himself."

Well. Actually, it doesn't. Conquer the world, I mean. It even fails to conquer one shitty small town, but that's neither here nor there, because THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA.... ehm, I mean this is a Roger Corman movie. Yepp. Another one - as requested by popular demand (*cough* Pyre *cough*). And because I live to serve (ahem), I will talk about this beautiful movie, this jewel of B-movie-ness.

*happy sigh*

It Conquers The World is actually famous... well, more or less famous. Depends on what social circles you are hanging out with. I personally am sure that at least TF will instantly know what this movie is about when he reads these words: Frank Zappa, "Cheepnis". Yepp. Frank Zappa talks about this very movie. Specifically, about the threatening creature Roger Corman unleashed upon the world. Yes, I AM referring to the ...monster you can see on the cover depicted above. Look at it. Take it in. Read.

"Cheepnis." Let me tell you something, do you like monster movies? Anybody? I LOVE monster movies, I simply adore monster movies, and the cheaper they are, the better they are. And cheepnis in the case of a monster movie has nothing to do with the budget of the film, although it helps, but true cheepnis is exemplified by visible nylon strings attached to the jaw of a giant spider . . . I'll tell you, a good one that I saw one time, I think the name of the film was "IT CONQUERED THE WORLD," and the . . . Did you ever see that one? The monster looks sort of like an inverted ice-cream cone with teeth around the bottom. It looks like a (phew!), like a teepee or . . . sort of a rounded off pup-tent affair, and, uh, it's got fangs on the base of it, I don't know why but it's a very threatening sight, and then he's got a frown and, you know, ugly mouth and everything, and there's this one scene where the, uh, monster is coming out of a cave, see? There's always a scene where they come out of a cave, at least once, and the rest of the cast . . . it musta been made around the 1950's, the lapels are about like that wide, the ties are about that wide and about this short, and they always have a little revolver that they're gonna shoot the monster with, and there is always a girl who falls down and twists her ankle . . . heh-hey! Of course there is! You know how they are, the weaker sex and everything, twisting their ankle on behalf of the little ice-cream cone. Well in this particular scene, in this scene, folks, they, uh, they didn't wanna re-take it 'cause it musta been so good they wanted to keep it, but they . . . when the monster came out of the cave, just over on the left hand side of the screen you can see about this much two-by-four attached to the bottom of the Thing as the guy is pushing it out, and then obviously off-camera somebody's goin': "NO! GET IT BACK!" And they drag it back just a little bit as the guy is goin': "KCH! KCH!" Now that's cheepnis. Awright.

Being the charming person I am, here's the song as performed on "Roxy & Elsewhere":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciP0fo3_F8A

There you go. My first youtube video ever embedded on this blog.

You see, this review is more about cool stuff associated with the movie. Because I couldn't for the life of me find an actual copy of the flick (it's a Roger Corman flick, for Raptor Jesus' sake!), I did what every internet user would do. No, I didn't download it (*cough*). I went to youtube, and lo and behold, I found it. In a MST3K version. That's Mystery Science Theater 3000 for you heretics out there who don't know about the brilliance that is MST3K. You are less than human if you don't know it. I have that on good authority.

So, there I was, searching for this movie, finding a MST3K version... and that was just perfect, because I was feeling a little bit depressed at that time. And we all know there is nothing better to cure a depressive moods than watching Joel and the robots mock a movie. A Roger Corman movie, at that. Naturally, that coloured my perception of this brilliant little flick. I apologise. Sincerely.

Let me recap the story of It Conquered The World for you:

A disillusioned, bitter scientist (Dr. Tom Anderson), who has been preaching about alien contact and related stuff (thereby rendering himself a crazy nutjob in the world of science, thus contributing to his bitterness and disillusionment) for years (I told you - batshit insane!) comes into contact with an alien from venus via his radio. Because that's how things work. They become friends, and the alien reveils to Tom that it would like to, you know, conquer the world. Being the bitter and disillusioned scientist he is, Tom thinks that this is a brilliant plan - especially since the Venusian (he actually has a name - "Beluah") plans to conquer the world via his mind control devices, eliminating all emotion.

Naturally, he helps Beluah with his plan. Which his long-time friend and colleague, Dr. Paul Nelson. does not approve of. Especially since he should become one of the elite of this new world order. He doesn't take too kindly to that, given that he will have to kill his wife directly after hopping over to the Anderson's place (but actually, it wasn't his wife - it was the body of his wife, with the, uhm, device implanted, being controlled by HIM. Beluah, not the band).


Paul Nelson: And you want me to condone this reign of terror? (Yupp!) To swear allegiance to this monstrous king of yours? To kill my own soul and all within reach? (Uh-huh!) Well, I won't, Anderson. I'll fight it 'til the last breath in my body. And I'll fight you, too, because you're part of it - the worst part. Because you belong to a living race, not a dying one. This is your land, your world. Your hands are human, but your mind is enemy. (And I won't bring up your feet!) You're a traitor, Anderson. The greatest traitor of all time. And you know why? Because you're not betraying part of mankind - you're betraying all of it.

(applause)

Moving. Really moving. *wipes a tear out of her eye*

Those mind-controlling devices are delivered by something that the imdb thinks to be bat-creatures (what a delightfully vague way of expressing 'we have no idea what it is'). I hold it with the MST3K crew: It's a giant plastic mitten.



Seriously. You can see the strings that they are being swung around on. THAT'S classy.

Anyways, Dr. Nelson (Paul) manages to convince his friend (Dr. Tom Anderson) that the alien is evil. He does so through the media of verbally and emotionally abusing the already scarred and bitter Tom, using his fears and character weaknesses to give in to his raging paranoia. Nice, eh? So in the end, the two scientists defeat the monster. Which hasn't conquered anything at the end of the movie. Not even aforementioned shitty small town. What kind of resumé is that? Gojira destroys Tokyo with his FOOTSTEPS OF DOOM!, and Beluah just appears mildly threatening and fails to do anything.

Well, at least he looks funny.

Lacking something witty to say here at this end of the review, mostly because I'm ravenously hungry and really want to order a pizza, I give you the links to the greatness that is It Conquered The World as mocked by Joel and the robots on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Part 01/11
Part 02/11
Part 03/11
Part 04/11
Part 05/11
Part 06/11
Part 07/11
Part 08/11
Part 09/11
Part 10/11
Part 11/11

Enjoy it. I know I have, and mightily so.


5.5/10 flappy plastic mittens being swung around on clearly visible strings. Man. Classy.



"He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature... and because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection... they find only death... fire... loss... disillusionment... the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside, from Man himself."

The Mist (2007)

The people of a small American town (my guess would be somewhere in Maine) have been beset by a storm. The following day, most of them are in the local mall to stock up on stuff... and that's when it happens.

The Mist...

Spot the Dark Tower reference and the The Thing reference!

There's one problem I have with movies based on Stephen King novels, and that problem are the characters. The characters in the books and stories themselves. Always. The only exception to that rule of thumb are the Gunslinger, his posse (before book 5, that is, and I have to admit to not being particularly partial to Susannah), Randal Flagg... and I guess that's it. When it comes to movies, there are only the Shining TV miniseries and the Salem's Lot TV remake. I can't stand any other King movie I've seen thus far... and even the two I just mentioned have characters that annoy the hell out of me. Mostly children. And... other characters. But as far as Stephen King movies goes, they still are the ones I can endure most.*



However... The Mist is actually, you know... good. I hesitated to watch this one, although it has been on my list for quite a while now. Why? Simply because it's based on a Stephen King story. Granted, I haven't read the story (which is astounding, because I used to live off King's stories between ages 10 and 14... bought every book, read every single one in the two libraries I had access to. Yes, I've changed quite a bit in the years since then...), but the mere mention of Stephen King in the context of a movie is something that instinctively makes me flinch and hide. Because, in my world, "Based on a story by STEPHEN KING" (and variations thereof) does not make a movie good. Usually, it's exactly the opposite.

This, ladies and gentlemen, ghouls and ghosts, is the proverbial exception to the rule of thumb.

We're 12 minutes into the movie, and already, stuff happens.

There is something in the mist...

The Mist doesn't suffer from any of the usual faults I habitually associate with Stephen King movies. It's not slow, it's not drawn out and boring, it's not an abomination unto the eyes of man resp. woman, it isn't on the mental and intellectual level of a retarded 10-year-old.

The acting is really good throughout the movie - even the unlikeable character(s) are portrayed in a way that you forget for the duration of the movie that these are actors, paid to act the way they do. The entire cast, even the people you don't really get to know or who get only a tiny amount of screentime, does its best. And in this rare case, this actually means that it is freakin' awesome. These figures appear as real as any of the people you meet at work... at school... or in the mall. Thumbs up for the cast, definitely.

Which brings me to another point of the movie which I fully appreciate:

Continuing on from my initial paragraph: The Mist (yesh, I'm witty!) has come, and the people are trapped within a store. This situation creates, of course, interesting social tension (as my beloved Dawn of the Dead remake has already brilliantly exemplified). Or should I say social tensionS (plural form)? People in shock, people panicking... religious nutters... And the small-mindedness of common people. I apologise for sounding as if I had a problem with common people in small towns, or their small-mindedness. Or rather, I don't (apologise, that is), because I actually do have a problem with it. But that's neither here nor there.

Sound is used to a devastating effect. It's rare that I am kept on the edge of my seat with goosebumps on my arms and my back whilst watching a movie. It's even more rare that I still feel the same way whilst watching a movie for the second time in a week. Usually, the few scares that actually, you know, scare me in a movie are a one-time-incident. Only a few movies manage to make me feel creeped out when I watch a movie more than once. The Mist is one of them. And that, my faithful readers, is something I appreciate.

Also, the camerawork is solid. It's not art, it's not particularly beautiful, but it's solid and shows us what we need to see and what we expect to see. Although some of the shots are really good. A rope leading into thick mist has never felt threatening before...



And whilst I still stand by my assessment that the shots are nothing that I'd consider to be art, they do create tension. They do create atmosphere. A dark, gritty and - pardon the pun - misty atmosphere. Which is what makes this movie something special. Clean, solid shots alternate with haze-filled ones that convey a bizarre feeling of surreal threat. I fully approve.

The CGI isn't bad either. If you run the movie in a very low FPS rate, you can start criticising, but that's not common movie watching behaviour, so I'm not going to be picky about it. After all, The Mist wasn't created for people trying to get a decent screen of something particularly nasty, but for watching and enjoying it.

And, in order to reiterate myself: The human element. Oh, the human element. A film that features constant portrayals of the fathomless depths that are the conditio humana is just something that the world has needed.

All the small lies, the small, stupid minds, the idiotic thoughts, the distrust, the suspicions, the fear of failure, the pathetic behaviour, the pathetic attempts to cover up one's own mistakes by blaming others for them or claiming to be innocent of any faults... truly, this is humanity. On the other hand, we also get grand, lofty ideas and ideals (yes, there is a difference), simple humans acting better than their peers, true courage and bravery.

And the worst from the depths of the human mind: Religious insanity. The worst kind of losing it there is and was throughout the history of humanity. Pretty much every scholar of history can tell you that organised book-religions, whilst they can bring out the best in a few people, also motivated some of the absolutely worst massacres and atrocities throughout history.

The Mist features a crazy religious nutjob. Fundamentalist crazy religious nutjob. The kind that wants to crush the nonbelievers and starts "holy wars" and sacrifices children to satisfy the bloodlust of their LORD, which is only their own dark side, their own destructiveness searching for a way out - a socially sanctified way. Because, you know - killing people and starting wars and killing children is bad in the eyes of society. As soon as you have some sort of higher entity to refer to, one that is socially acceptable, it all becomes... acceptable. Necessary, even.

Sorry for rambling a bit. I try not to let this review become an outlet for my feelings about Abrahamic religions. If you, dear reader, should believe in YHVH/God/Allah - do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. I accept religious beliefs. What I do have a problem with is blind fanaticism.

Okay, ranting mode off.

Back to the mist. And damn, it looks good. I've always loved mist. Mist makes me happy. It covers, it hides. It makes the world more beautiful.

I also want to add that there are tentacles. Tentacles make the cyn happy.

I officially LOVE this mist.

Mist that offers tentacles which eat people is now officially on my top list of cool things that need to happen more often. And I'm not just talking TENTACLES. I am talking AWESOME TENTACLES. Then again, people who know me know that I am particularly fond of anything which is vaguely reminiscent of tentacles. So... tentacles FTW!



And man... the end. Oh my Gods, the end... I loved it. You will love it, too, if you're anything like me. It also includes a Dead Can Dance - song, and as I love this band deeply, I truly appreciated it. Their song makes the end of The Mist all the more... intense. Trust me.


8.75/10 interdimensional, Lovecraftian creatures hiding away in the mist... feeding on humanity...




* Honorable mentions go to The Green Mile for being completely non-Stephen King-like and actually good. But that movie ALSO has characters that annoy the shit out of me.

Gojira no Gyakushu aka Godzilla Raids Again (1955)

Welcome to our 2nd installment of Gojira aka GODZILLA! I hope this is actually the 2nd movie in the "series", if I can call the franchise that. I would be horrified to learn that there was another one in between.

So... one year after the original Gojira came out, we are treated to this jewel. It starts with vaguely patriotic music... and someone flying a plane (my guess: our hero) communicating with a girl on a base (my guess: his love interest and our heroine). We are also treated to... well, words fail to describe it. Let me try to convey what I had to witness through the medium of pictures:

"Hey, darling, I'm at work. Care to ask me out for dinner? YOU BETTER ASK ME OUT FOR DINNER!!!!!"

"Uhm... uhm... errr... yes. Hidemi, my love, my rosy apple, my wonderful, beautiful rose of Japan - would you care to... erm... want to go out and have dinner tonight?" *wipes sweat from brow*

"Good boy. Yes, I would LOOOOVE to go out and have dinner with you! How did you GUESS?! I'll also force you to practically steal my dad's car, darling!"

And that face just SCREAMS "blowjob". Seriously. Don't blame it on me.

Instant classic, really, and it's not even 5 minutes into the movie. I wonder how the rest of the Gojira (yepp, still feeling authentic) movies will be like. I have been forwarned by TF that they are basically all the same, but I suffer from something called "morbid curiousity". Combined with "entertainment masochism" (I believe Jared of headinjurytheater-fame coined the expression, so I credit him with it here, regardless of whether I'm right or not), this makes for a deadly combination. Deadly for my brain cells, that is.

"Alas, my good man, may I propose that this creature right on top of us, or rather, in front and on top of us, might be the legendary creature known as Gojira - or Godzilla in heathen lands to the West, lands in which the inhabitants have never laid their eyes upon the majestic sight that is the King of the Monsters?"

"Forsooth! Good squire, I have never e'en heard of the creature you just mentioned, and which you boldly state is behooving itself to move just right in front of us right now. Who or what may this 'Gojira' be, if ye might be inclined to answer this question of mine?"

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

So... someone flies a fake plane over a fake ocean. Another fake plane has to land, our hero comes to the rescue. On an island. In the sea (fake sea, in case I hadn't mentioned it). And we all know what that means. It means:




And you definitely do NOT want to know that you're looking at a shot of Gojira's ass. From below. Thank you, movie. Thank you so very, very much.




You see, Gojira is wrestling another monster. One that walks on all fours, looks a bit like a hedgehog who was in the vicinity of Tchernobyl for a bit too long and grew to giant proportions, and has a decidedly less cool scream than Gojira.

Sometimes, the two of them like to go skinny dipping as well.

Managing to flee to safety after Gojira and monster #2, they (the two survivors, hero and non-nameless nameless character) are asked to identify #2.



It's an Angilosaurus. You can call him Angilas. Or Anguirus. I will stick to calling him Anguirus, although my fancy subtitled movie says Angilas all the time.



So, basically... there are two "prehistoric" monsters who can't be defeated by humanity. I say they'll just have to battle it out like men. Real men in rubber suits. Who have battled it out since PREHISTORIC TIMES!

However, I like that they explicitly mention the first movie, Gojira. Even the famous Oxygen Detonator is mentioned. You know, stickler for consistency and all that (see also Wrong Turn and Wrong Turn 2: Dead End).

GOJIRA COMES FROM THE SEEEEAAAAAAA!

The scientist guy from the first part of the Gojira franchise suggests that light may have woken the King of the Monsters up, and that it might be a good plan to bomb him with, uhm, "light bombs".



Poor Gojira looks more confused than anything... and gosh darn, he's still cute.

Irritated by the light bombs, Gojira smashes a lighthouse with his tail, walks away from Tokyo and screams once. Now that's what I call a definite success. But apparently, that was the intended effect.

On a lame sidenote, we have a subplot (as much as I hesitate to call anything in a Gojira movie "plot", I can't come up with a better yet derogative word, so stay with me) involving escaped prisoners. Three of them. However, the subplot ends rather quickly (luckily!), as they die. Because of Anguirus. He scares them so much that they instantly decide to drive their (stolen) car into a factory of some sort. Which goes up in flames. Which in turn attracts Gojira. *confused*

For reasons of "epic", I want to add that Gojira no Gyakushu features the first monster battle ever seen in a Godzilla movie. And no, no screens. I am too lazy to sit through this frame by frame. Just let me assure you that Gojira and Anguirus dishing it out actually looks cool, in a twisted, men-in-rubber-suits-way. Trust me on that. Seriously. You should, if you like Godzilla movies. Because, you know, every one of us has a bit of Gojira inside (hey, they actually state that in the 1954 movie, so stop looking at me like that!)...

The rest of the movie? Hrm. Gojira defeats Anguirus in a more or less epic battle (as if we hadn't foreseen that...), the people of Japan and Tokyo in special are worried about Big G's yearly foraging trip into Tokyo and shoot it, drop some stuff on it, worry a lot etc.

Of course, our heroine also worries a lot about our hero, who truly is a hero. For... reasons. I am sure they exist. I just go with the premise of him being the hero and run with it. Seriously, I am not exactly in the mood to actually watch the movie with reading the subtitles. Half of it is just people running around, stuff getting destroyed, Gojira marching through... the sea, mountains, snow... and even without the subtitles, it wouldn't be that interesting. As in "I NEED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS AND WHAT IS GOING ON!!!"... But I still watch it. Proof?

Here you go:


In the end, they bury Gojira under an avalanche (hence the creative idea of luring him into the snow-covered mountains). I guess the next movie will see him coming out of the mountain/snow/ice.

Poor Gojira.

However, this movie, whilst lacking the moralistic implications and metaphors of its predecessor, doesn't suffer from long, drawn-out scenes that drown one's entertainment in something akin to boredom. I approve. More fun to watch than the first one.


6/10 spunky, skinny dipping monsters with the coolest scream ever in Kaiju history. And that spells out "Gojira", in case you didn't realise it.