Isolation (2005)

Lionsgate, what else...

....oh, ahem. Sorry. Didn't know anyone was already listening/reading/watching, as I'm prone to random forgetfulness these days (yay for Gabapentin...). Wikipedia doesn't really mention it, but the side effects of this drug are impressive indeed. It's like having a déja vù all the time.

Anyways, enough of your host's (that would be me) rambling, and on to what ails us this time: Isolation

.As I already mentioned to TF*, this millennium is in some ways a new start in Horror. I mean... we have Sheep Horror (the brilliant Black Sheep from New Zealand, which I should review here anyways and prbably will), and now there's Cow Horror.

Yes.

Cow Horror.

This is what Isolation is about, basically.

For all you city folk out there, the concept of Cow Horror may be funny and all that jazz - but trust me, you didn't grow up around cows. You are missing something important - the mental link to this absurdity horror cinema throws at us. I have it. Win.

Let me preface this review with a fact: If you ever wanted to see how it looks like when a vet sticks an arm up a cow's ass, this movie is the movie for you. It will also remind you of past traumata (as in my case).

The setting is Ireland, the present. Some scientists** played around with the DNA of a cow - and now, the cow is calving, but the little critter is stuck in the, erm, inside of said cow. It's a bit sad that I didn't get a name for the animal, as I'm sure that even Irish farmers name their cows. I bet she's called "Betty" or something.




What actually scares me is the semi-enticed look on her face whilst feeling up Betty.


Scenes full of human drama enfold as we witness the tragedy that sets the premise of the movie up: The cow has difficulty giving birth, although two men are trying to get the little thing out. You see, Betty - let's call her Betty, shan't we? - is "very tight". I kid you not. Seriously.



Half stuck, Betty's calf already is something of a mystery to us - the thing inside her actually bit the veterinerian Orla who's caring for her (Essie Davis) whilst being in the womb, and the presence of a mad scientist (more on that later) doesn't help. We wonder - what is it? It's just a cow, right?




...or not.

Dan the farmer, who apparently owns the cow (Betty), as portrayed by actor John Lynch of various other movies' fame, gets bitten by the little one as he and Jamie (Sean Harris) try to help with the birth of the young. Something is indeed wrong with this genetically manipulated little calf.

Jamie and Mary: Apparently live in a trailer and are on Dan's land. My first guess was that they're in this movie to provide more gruesomeness. Mary even has resp. had a believable backstory, to my utter surprise. Then again, In was oblivious to the obvious.




Many of you city-folk (well, those of you who are A) actually readung this, B) familiar with the concept of "rural areas", C) live in an actual city, D) only see the countryside in movies or on vacation) will wonder about some points in the movie, or rather, one point: Why is everyone familiar with cows and how to handle them in this movie?

Simple.

Us countryfolk are... well. We are usually familiar with the animals living around us. This is where the past traumata I mentioned at the beginning of this review come in.

Did you know lots of little girls want to become veterinarians? I already told teh_mally*** and TF* about it, and now you're in for the ride as well.

[TRAUMA]

...
...
... back to the movie at hand.




Just like Black Sheep managed to make sheep into scary creatures, Isolation manages to effectively keep you on the edge of your seat once it gets going. It's creepy. And I'm not saying this out of some ...twisted fear of the countryside or somesuch thing. No, ghouls and ghosts, ladies and gentlemen and those of other persuasions***** - it's the movie. Yes, the story might be ridiculous and sound as if some totally stoned up Irish guy came up with it whilst hitting the bong one too many times, but it is a beautiful, well-crafted creature feature that is made out of the simple and stupid pretext of "mutant cow monsters".




On a stupid sidenote, it's amazing how much shit these animals produce. I almost forgot... but Isolation brings it back mercilessly.

Personally speaking I think that the movie works better for people with a certain, uhm, experience with the countryside. Especially the remote countryside. But aside from adding that little ..."personal touch" to horror, the movie delivers anyways. I won't give away too much because I actually recommend watching this movie and don't want to give too many spoilers than I already have, but damn - Isolation is infectuous (teehehee) with its cow-induced madness.



I mean... it has to say something that a gorehound like me thinks that a movie about cows is creepy and has jump-scares as well as unexpected deaths aplenty if you think of the limited cast (only 8 persons, if my count is correct). Well, not aplenty as in "lots of them" thinking of numbers, but as in "lots of them considering how many people actually appear in this movie".





I won't say more besides that it has a really icky twist and that the end really blows home.




8.5/10 biting teeth that are coming for you...



P.S.: Also, don't buy the German edition of the DVD if you want to watch your movie in English without subtitles. The German subs are hardcoded, which sucks balls royally and pissed me off to no end. I can understand English just fine, thank you very much, Sunfilm Entertainment. Fuckers.

P.P.S.: Thanks to Kroh for notifying me of this: http://www.shagrat.net/Portfolio/cows.swf

100% SFW!

* The Friend, in case you forgot. You know, the one who rarely reads the reviews and is the one who happens to be the person I watch the presumably "better" movies I get with. He also said I shouldn't buy the special edition limited 2-discs widescreen - something of Talos the Mummy with Christopher Lee. I still mourn this nonexistant loss.

** Exactly. Black science. I knew you'd all remember, my faithful, loyal min.... readers. You rock!

*** Dude. COW LEVEL!****

**** Gabapentin: Serious business.

***** I'm PC. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I can access the net via my hardware and software, but that I care for those that society doesn't like. Or something like that. Besides, Rincewind****** just puked in the kitchen.

****** The Primordial Malice From Beyond Time And Space

Mind Ripper aka The Outpost aka The Hills Have Eyes III (1995)

The Government Created Him. Now They Must Destroy Him.

Yay! Thanks to the fine folks over at Bloody Disgusting, I can finally watch the movie I've always wanted to watch again since I first caught it on TV about 12 years ago. This piece of work is called Mind Ripper aka The Outpost aka The Hillls Have Eyes III. It fails as an installment of The Hills Have Eyes, it fails as a Wes Craven output (then again, what were we expecting - he is only ....."presenting" the thing)... but it works as a nifteh, funny movie that I am deeply nostalgic for.

A group of three (3) scientists find a wounded young man in the middle of the American desert (well... some American desert). They inject him with a curious, uhm, injection - and soon after, the doctor who developed the. uhm, injected stuff leaves the project, as he is not okay with the way the other scientists are treating the subject.

Funnily enough, as coincidences go, on the day of leaving for his holidays with his family, the good doctor receives a phone call informing him about difficulties with the subject... his former subject.

Luckily, the movie is fast: 20 minutes into the movie, we already get our explanation for what what happened when. The military tried, as usual, to create a super-human soldier* by means of scientists**. Actually, they injected the guy they found with some sort of virus... which is now running wild in the subject, changing and transforming him.

...into something that leaves eyes behind.

In the meantime, we get some characterisation through father-son-interaction. Teenagers were allowed to smoke back then, and parents were allowed to get a little louder with their kids.




Cut to annoying daughter of scientist with her even more stupid and annoying boyfriend. "I want to pleasure you forever..." - we all know where that leads ***




For some reason I cannot fathom yet, the dysfunctional semi-family is heading towards the military headquarters - in which the three scientist/military-guys (and gal) are making a desperate run from something they can't understand. Whilst the family is happily walking into the former nuclear testing facility.




A former nuclear testing facility owned by some nice company named GenTec. I tend to inherently trust companies with names like GenTec. They can only have the best of humanity on their minds, surely? They wouldn't ever give in to scientific curiousity... or lucrative offers of high sums of money for more practical experiments. Surely not.




Gods, watching this movie is a pure delight. The camera is at times abysmally bad, very simple and... uhm... old. It's a cheap 90s B-movie in the tradition of 80s B-movies. It screams DTV-release with every fibre of its being. But I love it dearly. I just liked it when I accidentally caught it on TV more than a decade ago, and occasionally remembered it fondly. But now, I love it.




This is happening to the infected man's mouth, for example. In case you can't realise what it is, it's a tooth/claw at the end of a long, tentacle-like, penis-like thing that the mutated soldier can shoot out of his mouth - to feed on other people's "minds" (we freely assume he includes "brains" in that rather broad and metaphysical concept).

They also had computers back in those days when I was but a wee little babe.

Inevitably, the group splits up, because, you know, you're safer in small, uncoordinated groups when in some creepy, apparently deserted surroundings that shouldn't be deserted.

At the beginning of the third act, we get the explanation for all the weird stuff that has been going on on the defunct military base.




The thing that makes this movie special is the mutant/monster - "Thor" (TransHuman Organism). He has a background story, he even has character and a personality. He is changing, and he doesn't know what is changing in him or into what he is changing... and it causes him pain. We get a little twist here, one that makes Thor even more tragic than he already is... and then he loses himself in desperate rage.




Cut to our rag-tag group of heroes, off to save the day. With brains. Because they figured out that our anti-hero needs brains... or rather, certain parts of them.




We get some 15 minutes of filler "plot" (brother-sister-bonding, talks about dad, a useless dream sequence, drama, guilt etc.) before things really start again. Our refugees need to find the kids' father's hand, because only his hand is authorised for the main door (?)

One thing: This movie has far too many survivors. Far. Too. Many. Survivors. On the other hand, it has a nifteh monster that I've liked for the past 12 years.




Plus, I approve of monster-rape (one of the reasons why Evil Dead is such an endearing movie).

I mean... this movie just has it all. A nifty monster with character background, Lance Henriksen, death by monster, death by electricity, 80s visions of computers... far too many survivors... Still, a mightily entertaining flick. And I don't just say that out of pure nostalgia. I actually enjoyed watching this flick, even though the death-count is below acceptable.



6.75/10 sudden onsets of baldness. I love this movie.




*Black Science. Remember?




** Scientists are always working for governments and secret organisations and believe in Evil(TM).

*** Tcha. Better luck next time, mate. We got fooled with that.

Joshikyôei hanrangun aka Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead (2007)

Oh my freaking Gods. Nyarlathotep, Enkig, Nergal, Hastur, Azag-Thoth, Arioch... what the fuck is this movie about?




A young girl in a swimming pool. She seems to get pulled underwater at times,, although she's perfectly alone. Loses hair. Cut to Japanese schoolgirls in, well, Japanese schoolgirl uniforms. Cut to Japanese schoolgirls swimming. Cut to boob-shot. Cut to more Japanese schoolgirls in aforementioned school uniforms... and we're informed that a new virus is going around and that people are required to wash hands and gargle.



Weird scene with swim-team coach following.




If you like Japanese schoolgirls, you'll like this movie.

Aki, the new girl at school, finds herself variously under showers with other girls who happen to share the same birthmark as she does, being shunned as a creepy outsider, enjoying the air... and in the meantime, the pupils get shot up with a green vaccination*...




...and the teachers with a yellow one.




Then, Aki wakes up to this:



Sexual tension of course ensues. And all the time, the voice in the background (aka the subtitles) tell us that everyone should get their vaccination shots right now at the nurse's office. But still, the girls are coughing, feeling weak, stumbling occasionally...

And for some reason, it's important that Aki joins the swim team - at least to one girl (the girl she had a shower with, and who not only has the same birthmark, but also the same mole). Aki says she doesn't like the water...




Poor, sick people get the attention of worried, scantily-clad people. *sighs*

Enter the coolest maths lesson you ever had: Meet decaying zombie maths teacher.


Mahyem ensues. The school (all girls, I might want to add) erupts with zombies.

At this point in the movie, you have some vague idea of what is happening. There's a school for girls, with a swim team. Made of girls. There's a new girl, and everyone is wearing very short skirts. Suddenly, there is a virus, vaccinations, and zombies appear everywhere around school, normal people morphing into them. Some of them seem to be classical zombies, other seem to be more of the Versus-persuasion of zombies.




We find out that only the swim team (made up of Japanese schoolgirls) is unaffected by the virus/zombie-ism. They figure out, thanks to Aki, that there must be something in the water - or, as our heroine puts it, "the Secret is in the Pool".

But of course, there are difficulties on their way to... whatever it is they want to go.



For example, your zombified maths teacher who wants to kill you.

Then he suddenly wields a torch, and you, the viewer, are just sitting there, eyes wide open, mind blank. What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened?

You have about 3 seconds time to wonder before the movie cuts to another scene: Aki (our heroine), is in... some place, and the other girl (the one she had a shower with and who has the same birthmarks as she does) is caring for her. Talking about... stuff. Swimming. Sides. Training.

Aaaaaaand...

Character Background!

I like how frank this movie is with us. We don't need no characterisation of evil - "He was a mad scientist." Brilliant in its simplicity. I mean, what else do we need to know?

And man, we like our character background, aka "How Aki became a Water Assassin".

(involving kink-training)

...and her escape from the accursed life of a H2O Assassin because of reading up on serious mattters. Teenage girl magazines, in this case.




Turns out that shower-girl is willing to, eh. Look for yourself:




Also, you cannot not love the noises Japanese schoolgirls make whilst having sex. To quote teh_mally****: "The whimpering..."




So.... the plot at this point: Somewhere, people are turning into zombies, something is wrong with the water/the vaccinations, zombies, softcore lesbian sex, Japanese schoolgirls, Japanese schoolgirls, softcore lesbian sex, Japanese schoolgirls, tender moments... uhm... what is this movie about again?




Oh, yes. A chainsaw-wielding female super-zombie teacher. And zombie schoolgirls. Let me tell you one thing: I have rarely seen such ...idiotic zombie acting. And that says something. But still... if I haven't managed to say it yet:

This movie is full of win and awesome.

At some point, your brain just stops trying to make sense of what is happening onscreen. You just sit there watching girls taking showers, swimming, zombies, randomness, Japanese schoolgirls getting it on, random semi-erotic scenes, random semi-hilarious scenes... and sometimes, there are zombies. For a little while. Then there are encouragings speeches about fighting together as a girl swim team.

I think that screenshot says it all.

Anti-zombie-rally by the girl swim team. Appearance of mysterious coach. Former zombie-teacher appears. Still a zombie. Able to fake human emotions. Completely insane. Kill Bill with zombies and Japanese girls in swim-suits. With... swords. And staffs. And bricks. You're watching it, but somehow, it doesn't really register as a whole on your brain. It registers as... a bunch of weirdness. Again: What. The. Fuck. Is. Happening. On. My. Screen?!




...Followed by a twist that really actually isn't one, if you were somewhat sober when starting the movie (in the hope of it making any sense). Somewhat's not what he seems to be... and then, for some reason, there's a bomb. In the school. Exploding.

Aki, our heroine, barely escapes the mighty explosion, but alas! She is captured by her evil former master, who taught her how to become a H2O Assassin. He identifies her by, you guessed it, making her masturbate because of his flute-playing. Then she drops her schoolgirl-skirt... and...

...you start laughing and giggling hysterically and can't stop anymore. She defeats the guy, kicks him in the balls, he injects himself with zombie poison (green), becomes Super-Enemy(TM), and finds insane weaponry, nearly kills him, he injects himself with the yellow zombie poison (which makes him go all insane and rage-y), another Final Battle...

...followed by hawt lesbian incest kissing, as the two girls, Aki (our heroine) and Sayaka (the girl with the birthmark) celebrate that they're sisters. But then - alas! Betrayal! They're not twins at all - it was a fake! Just as Aki was the Master's slave, Sayaka was - and she adored the Master as a god. So, she, like kissed Aki after coating her lips with a nerve paralysis causing agent. called AK151.




Up until now, you have managed to suspend any disbelief - you just sit and watch. Dialogues like "Where should I start cutting? I'm pretty jealous of your cute, soft breasts..." (O_o)

Attempt at Final Battle - but then: Plot Twist! Unexpected one at that. Really unexpected. You could even call it another WTF?!-moment...

Really. It's just "WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. HAPPENING. ON. MY. SCREEN?!"... all the time.

And I can't even bring myself to try and understand the... Final Final Battle. It apparently involves a stick of power. Cosmic power, or something. And,,, oh my Gods, You just won't believe it. You shall also mentally chant the mantra of this movie**.

It's awesome. Pure fucking awesome.




9/10 WTF?!-moments...



*Look at it. Can you feel it?***

**"WHAT.THE.FUCK."

***Black Science

**** ...dude.