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Joshikyôei hanrangun aka Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead (2007)

Oh my freaking Gods. Nyarlathotep, Enkig, Nergal, Hastur, Azag-Thoth, Arioch... what the fuck is this movie about?

A young girl in a swimming pool. She seems to get pulled underwater at times,, although she's perfectly alone. Loses hair. Cut to Japanese schoolgirls in, well, Japanese schoolgirl uniforms. Cut to Japanese schoolgirls swimming. Cut to boob-shot. Cut to more Japanese schoolgirls in aforementioned school uniforms... and we're informed that a new virus is going around and that people are required to wash hands and gargle.

Weird scene with swim-team coach following.

If you like Japanese schoolgirls, you'll like this movie.

Aki, the new girl at school, finds herself variously under showers with other girls who happen to share the same birthmark as she does, being shunned as a creepy outsider, enjoying the air... and in the meantime, the pupils get shot up with a green vaccination*...

...and the teachers with a yellow one.

Then, Aki wakes up to this:

Sexual tension of course ensues. And all the time, the voice in the background (aka the subtitles) tell us that everyone should get their vaccination shots right now at the nurse's office. But still, the girls are coughing, feeling weak, stumbling occasionally...

And for some reason, it's important that Aki joins the swim team - at least to one girl (the girl she had a shower with, and who not only has the same birthmark, but also the same mole). Aki says she doesn't like the water...

Poor, sick people get the attention of worried, scantily-clad people. *sighs*

Enter the coolest maths lesson you ever had: Meet decaying zombie maths teacher.

Mahyem ensues. The school (all girls, I might want to add) erupts with zombies.

At this point in the movie, you have some vague idea of what is happening. There's a school for girls, with a swim team. Made of girls. There's a new girl, and everyone is wearing very short skirts. Suddenly, there is a virus, vaccinations, and zombies appear everywhere around school, normal people morphing into them. Some of them seem to be classical zombies, other seem to be more of the Versus-persuasion of zombies.

We find out that only the swim team (made up of Japanese schoolgirls) is unaffected by the virus/zombie-ism. They figure out, thanks to Aki, that there must be something in the water - or, as our heroine puts it, "the Secret is in the Pool".

But of course, there are difficulties on their way to... whatever it is they want to go.

For example, your zombified maths teacher who wants to kill you.

Then he suddenly wields a torch, and you, the viewer, are just sitting there, eyes wide open, mind blank. What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened?

You have about 3 seconds time to wonder before the movie cuts to another scene: Aki (our heroine), is in... some place, and the other girl (the one she had a shower with and who has the same birthmarks as she does) is caring for her. Talking about... stuff. Swimming. Sides. Training.


Character Background!

I like how frank this movie is with us. We don't need no characterisation of evil - "He was a mad scientist." Brilliant in its simplicity. I mean, what else do we need to know?

And man, we like our character background, aka "How Aki became a Water Assassin".

(involving kink-training)

...and her escape from the accursed life of a H2O Assassin because of reading up on serious mattters. Teenage girl magazines, in this case.

Turns out that shower-girl is willing to, eh. Look for yourself:

Also, you cannot not love the noises Japanese schoolgirls make whilst having sex. To quote teh_mally****: "The whimpering..."

So.... the plot at this point: Somewhere, people are turning into zombies, something is wrong with the water/the vaccinations, zombies, softcore lesbian sex, Japanese schoolgirls, Japanese schoolgirls, softcore lesbian sex, Japanese schoolgirls, tender moments... uhm... what is this movie about again?

Oh, yes. A chainsaw-wielding female super-zombie teacher. And zombie schoolgirls. Let me tell you one thing: I have rarely seen such ...idiotic zombie acting. And that says something. But still... if I haven't managed to say it yet:

This movie is full of win and awesome.

At some point, your brain just stops trying to make sense of what is happening onscreen. You just sit there watching girls taking showers, swimming, zombies, randomness, Japanese schoolgirls getting it on, random semi-erotic scenes, random semi-hilarious scenes... and sometimes, there are zombies. For a little while. Then there are encouragings speeches about fighting together as a girl swim team.

I think that screenshot says it all.

Anti-zombie-rally by the girl swim team. Appearance of mysterious coach. Former zombie-teacher appears. Still a zombie. Able to fake human emotions. Completely insane. Kill Bill with zombies and Japanese girls in swim-suits. With... swords. And staffs. And bricks. You're watching it, but somehow, it doesn't really register as a whole on your brain. It registers as... a bunch of weirdness. Again: What. The. Fuck. Is. Happening. On. My. Screen?!

...Followed by a twist that really actually isn't one, if you were somewhat sober when starting the movie (in the hope of it making any sense). Somewhat's not what he seems to be... and then, for some reason, there's a bomb. In the school. Exploding.

Aki, our heroine, barely escapes the mighty explosion, but alas! She is captured by her evil former master, who taught her how to become a H2O Assassin. He identifies her by, you guessed it, making her masturbate because of his flute-playing. Then she drops her schoolgirl-skirt... and...

...you start laughing and giggling hysterically and can't stop anymore. She defeats the guy, kicks him in the balls, he injects himself with zombie poison (green), becomes Super-Enemy(TM), and finds insane weaponry, nearly kills him, he injects himself with the yellow zombie poison (which makes him go all insane and rage-y), another Final Battle...

...followed by hawt lesbian incest kissing, as the two girls, Aki (our heroine) and Sayaka (the girl with the birthmark) celebrate that they're sisters. But then - alas! Betrayal! They're not twins at all - it was a fake! Just as Aki was the Master's slave, Sayaka was - and she adored the Master as a god. So, she, like kissed Aki after coating her lips with a nerve paralysis causing agent. called AK151.

Up until now, you have managed to suspend any disbelief - you just sit and watch. Dialogues like "Where should I start cutting? I'm pretty jealous of your cute, soft breasts..." (O_o)

Attempt at Final Battle - but then: Plot Twist! Unexpected one at that. Really unexpected. You could even call it another WTF?!-moment...

Really. It's just "WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. HAPPENING. ON. MY. SCREEN?!"... all the time.

And I can't even bring myself to try and understand the... Final Final Battle. It apparently involves a stick of power. Cosmic power, or something. And,,, oh my Gods, You just won't believe it. You shall also mentally chant the mantra of this movie**.

It's awesome. Pure fucking awesome.

9/10 WTF?!-moments...

Look at it. Can you feel it?***


***Black Science

**** ...dude.

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