The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Thanks go to CB for recommending this one quite some time ago; I had seen it advertised when it came out, but wasn't too impressed and didn't read any reviews, dismissing it from the get-go. After insinuations that I might enjoy it a lot, I recently gave it a go due to having finished my thesis and all that and finally having time for some relaxed watching of horror under the influence. And lo and behold, I have a new favourite movie.

Let's start with the obvious basics: Directed by Drew Goddard and written by him and Joss Whedon (aka He-Who-Gave-Us-Cowboys-in-Outer-Space), The Cabin in the Woods is a well-paced, awesome, intriguing horror movie with a meta-spin to it that makes it all the more enjoyable. Spoilers galore, so if you haven't seen the movie yet, I heartily recommend you get yourself a copy and watch it right now. You can come back after you're done; if you want to particularly enjoy it, watch it at least twice. I've been enjoying it about a dozen times now, and it still brings me joy; whether this demonstrates the quality of the movie or attests to my obsessive-compulsive movie-watching-behaviour or both is another matter entirely.

The Cabin in the Woods serves us three narratives, which are intertwined with one another, yet can be seen as three single narrative discourses - stories, if you want. Like a tapestry, the movie as a whole consists of these three stories that weave a complex narrative that puts a spin on the typical horror movie story of the 'cabin in the woods' aka 'wood with college kids' variety.

The basic storyline that we get to recognise is exactly that one; a group of young adults goes on vacation in a remote cabin in the woods (you already see that the title has not been chosen for no particular reason!). There simply is no way to describe the setting of this basic, in a way central story, as anything else. So the young people settle in (at THE CABIN IN THE WOODS *dun-dunn-DUN*) and begin to party, and we get treated to the classical stereotypes of the Jock, the Whore, the Final Girl, the Brainy Guy and the Stoner. These stereotypes are gleefully and flawlessly executed, yet partly subverted within the story's world and context(s): The Jock actually is a sociology major, and his 'alpha-male bullshit' is completely mystifying to the Stoner, who continuously observes strange incoherencies within the operative world of the storyline being played out with these young people, and as for Final Girl... I refer to the movie. 

This storyline is being framed by the second narrative, which is about some sort of official (but non-military) facility, where some kind of yearly competition is being held between such facilities all over the world. It isn't entirely clear from the beginning on what kind of competition this is, but it apparently involves messing with people in completely controlled environments. From conversations between the scientists and workers at the facility, for example, we learn that the dye which the ...sexually (more) promiscuous female used to dye her hair blonde had chemicals in it which, being absorbed through the skin, would enter the bloodstream and cause 'lower cognition'. Brilliant. The use of stereotypes within the first narrative frame is actually explained in this second narrative frame - not in an obvious way most of the time, hence my recommendation to re-watch this movie.

Now, pretty much everyone will go 'HUH?' as soon as the second narrative frame appears as a framing device for the first narrative: What on earth are these science-y types doing? And WHY?

...enter third narrative. We only get treated to this in a few instances, but damn. Or possibly 'BUT DAMMN!', to better express my enthusiasm. The third narrative frame is the 'big one', so to speak - it offers explanations for the other two narrative frames. What makes it so special, so awesomely awesome? Easy: ANCIENT GODS. If you're a Lovecraft fan(atic) like myself, the appeal of this should be instantly obvious. In my opinion, any movie that includes humanity-annihilating ancient gods that need to be placated by gruesome sacrifices automatically wins. Even if terribly executed. In The Cabin in the Woods, it is wonderfully executed; the terrible revelation of the end of mankind is being delivered in a truly human scene of ...people being people. It's hilarious and (in-)sane and cool. I might be gushing a bit because, by the darkness and its haunted midnight graves, I absolutely adore this movie, but nonetheless, it's worth watching. Even if you don't share my particular brand of movie obsession.

One really important point is that it's funny - not in the 'Dumb and Dumber'-way, but in the awesome, cheesy horror flick way. It is enjoyable on a similar level as, say, the Evil Dead series. Do not think that it is a campy movie, though - it revels in its humour (which is pretty dark, according to some acquaintances), but it also revels in its horror.

Let's speak of the horror aspect, mh?

Try to remember the last time you thought 'holy shit, that's a scary thought' when watching a horror movie. I don't know about you, oh wonderful readers, but it's been a while for me. Inside (á l'Intérieur) comes to mind, Martyrs. The Living and The Dead. Movies with a decidedly psychological horror-element. Some Cronenberg movies make me uncomfortable (hence my appreciation of the body horror genre). Sometimes a well-crafted horror story can evoke such feelings, or RPG supplements (yes, I am a terrible, neurotic geek for reading roleplaying supplements and rulebooks in my free time [or would that be a nerd]? Last weekend, I re-read my old Kult material. It was awesome). Or newspaper clippings. Or songs. But the average horror movie? Heh. No. **

So, horror in The Cabin in the Woods.

The first narrative frame (the youthful friends on vacation in the eponymous cabin) doesn't hold any horror; in fact, it has quite a humorous mood, which is always a bonus when watching non-psychological horror flicks. I like my violence to be interspersed with humour. That's what made movies like Braindead (Dead Alive for the people among you hailing from the US of A) or Army of Darkness so fucking awesome back when I was a half-human*. That's also what made Shaun of the Dead so awesome. Actually, the first narrative about the beautiful young people can easily be compared to SotD in some regards (don't hate me!). Both movies are full of inside jokes and references to other things from the world of horror - with Shaun of the Dead, it's movies, whereas The Cabin in the Woods generously references books, movies, stories, myths... there are so many shout-outs to the world of horror in general that it's nigh impossible to list even a fraction of them.

Playing SPTR ('SPot The Reference(!)') with this movie as part of a drinking game can prove to be disastrous to people who watch far too many horror movies. I can personally vouch for this. Playing SPTR with The Cabin in the Woods can and will result in the Alien Mother of All Hangovers. Maybe it's me getting old, but ...damn. Don't do it. The last part of the movie - in which the three narrative frames are combined into one; well done, people who came up with this and who I am too lazy to look up right now! Za vas! - is stuffed full with various references. Particularly obvious even to non-horror freaks will be the Hellraiser-esque demon (?), referenced in the credits as Fornicus, Lord of Bondage and Pain, played by one Gregory Zach. Fans of horror will find this movie to be a pleasure just for the possibilities of decoding the shout-outs - and indeed, The Cabin in the Woods gains something from (over-)exposure to other horror movies.

Horror, though. The second narrative frame (with the scientists and their complete control over the surroundings of the characters from narrative frame #1) is steeped in what, for me, makes this a horror movie, not just a funny referencing game in movie form. The ever increasing levels of control and observation installed in our present-day societies leaves a bitter taste when coupled with the (ironic) question of how much these things control our lives, exemplified bluntly (but effectively!) with the whole premise of the movie. Your phone provider is able to track your every move, even if you never use the whole GPS thing; obsessive former lovers can track you with a little bit of tech knowledge, and governments are collecting data tracks of their citizens, just to make sure no one steps out of line. Welcome to dystopia. The Cabin in the Woods takes these all too common fears and translates them into a specific cultural jargon, mocking it. Mocking us, in a way. How would you feel if you were trapped in situations that were controlled from the outside by someone else, manipulating you like a puppet while you think that you are acting out of free will...?

Anyways. Awesome movie. Whoa.

11/10 central themes of sacrifice and slaughter that connect and bind all of mankind under one monstrously divine threat

* ... A child or teenager. 

** ... Maybe there is some kind of desensitivisation in play here? I am not entirely sure. I don't really watch horror movies because they, dunno, horrify me, or make me feel as if fingers of ice started playing a macabre song of suspense and fear with the nerves radiating from my spine like ghostly puppet masters. I watch horror movies because ...I don't really know, actually. I'll think about it. But it's not for the horror, because there rarely is any kind of horror... When a movie comes along that manages to capture my interest and my fantasy, that manages to let me sink into the premise and feel as if I were part of that world with feelings of suspense, I am pretty much sold on it forever.

Necronomicon (1993)

SPOILERS THROUGHOUT

Holy fucking shit. Of course this trainwreck is a Brian Yuzna production.

So...  Necronomicon (1993*). I wanted to do this for a while.

This, ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and ghouls, vamplings, zombesquities etc., is what scientists watch whilst typing away fanatically at long-winded papers about the development of hypostases of ancient Sumerian deities which could be linked conceptually with Yog-Sothoth**. 

I don't know about you, but my own brand of horror education has made me aware of the fact that people dealing with things like this are usually prone to visits from terrifying abominations lurking beyond the frail borders of mortal perception, elder things that have lurked beyond the dim echo of the line dividing life and death, immanent in the horrifying splendour and awe-inspiring terrors of the universe, waiting and spawning at the gateways. So there you go, my eventual fate is probably to die screaming in an asylum after attempting to summon the monstrous horrors of the void and emptiness between the stars.***

Necronomicon (1993) consists of three shorts - 'The Drowned', 'Cold Air' and 'Whispers' - embedded into a frame-story (0, also known as 'The Library' and directed by our collective favourite, Brian Yuzna), which, amazingly, gives us Jeffrey Combs as the man himself, Howard Phillips Lovecraft. Within said frame-story, he (...or should that be He?) is visiting a library to research the hidden secrets of blasphemous monstrosities from beyond, so naturally, things become interesting as he stumbles across that most evil of all books: The Necronomicon! Lovecraft starts to read - and the stories we are shown are right from the pages of that terrifying tome penned by the mad Arab, Abdul Alhazred.

'The Drowned' (I) - The last of the lines of the Delapores (well, de la Poers actually if we're really going by canon here) returns to his ancestral manor... and we all know that ancestral manors are usually a beacon for evil forces that cast their demented shadow over such places, attracting all kinds of abominations from the lonely places beyond.
The first minutes are more or less setting up the story of the de la Poers - but just as the esteemed Lovecraft-fan is getting comfortable and begins to identify the story used as 'The Rats in the Walls' (one of HPL's masterpieces - if you feel like, enjoy), gleefully waiting for the ancestral cannibalistic terror to be involved, atavistically driving our protagonist to madness, the story kind of... switches around in the middle of establishing itself and adds weird story elements not really congruent with what we know the mentioned story at all.
The ancestral manor - sitting upon a cliff that is honeycombed with ancient caves, which any faithful reader of the master of weird fiction knows to house a terrible, terrible secret - is situated near the sea. This apparently made it a favourite with suicides of the de la Poer family... and whoosh, suddenly the story completely switches, and we're suddenly right in something that... is not a Lovecraft story I recognise. A ship runs aground in a terrible storm (one feels slightly reminded of The Call of Cthulhu, but that's wrong alarm... or maybe this potpourri is intentional? Who knows...), and a character's wife and child die in the process; said character, now lacking said wife and child, burns the Hol(e)y Bible out of a theatrical display of anger aimed at the Most High and kind of renounces god (that YHVH-guy). What follows is the most logical conclusion - he gets a nightly visit from a fish-/crab-/thingie-creature threateningly telling him that he is not alone, and as such, he suddenly finds the (you guessed it) Necronomicon (dun - DUN - DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!) underneath a pile of sea-ish stuff with which probably would have disgusted Lovecraft to no end****. As the book (or should that be 'tome'?) is friendly, it opens to a ritual called "Towards the Remedie of Untimely Loss". This includes chanting the famous lines we all know and love - that is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die as well as the line about 'in his house in R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu lies dreaming' (or something like that, I'm reciting from memory here).
As this is a Lovecraftian story nonetheless, no matter on what story or story elements it is based on or not based on, the ritual succeeds and the guy's two loved ones, wife and son, are indeed resurrected - AS TENTACLED MONSTROSITIES! *mad laughter*
...suicide ensues.

... ...AAAAAAAND we're out of that story segment (let's call it I.1) and back in the frame-short of Mr. Delapore/de la Poer in his ancestral manor. In the library, no less, frantically researching hidden knowledge that man was never meant to know. As he falls asleep in exhaustion, the story suddenly makes a violent turn and rapes your Lovecraft-mind: Bony things appear from underneath Delapore's bed amidst a green glow (of the black magick / black science-persuasion of colour), whispering something.
Naturally, the last scion of the line of those degenerated de la Poers finds the - you guessed it! - Necronomicon (I begin to see a pattern here) and immediately starts ritualising around, calling upon Elder Forces from beyond.
For some reason, hot undead chick ensues (yepp, another relationship-y resurrection), and we nearly get some action - this being a Lovecraft flick by Brian Yuzna, we know that not all is well, though. The moment the female begins to develop quite the tentacles-from-various-orifices-theme, we know that we're back in "we're doing Lovecraft not for the cosmic terror and creeping fear, we do it for the octopoid abominations and possibilities to use great slimy masses of stuff to make our point about otheworldly terrors"-land. Which is so charming that you can't not like it... (unfortunately, no screen shot. Craptop doth not want to take screenshots - 't'would be too much, running two applications at the same time!)

...And we're back in the movie's frame-story (0) about Jeffrey Combs as Howard Phillips, reading the Necronomicon...

...and the story that unfolds right before our eyes is 'The Cold' (II), obviously based on the original story 'Cool Air'. This one's been produced by Shûsuke Kaneko, whose other works I have not been privy to.

Interestingly enough, the first time I saw this outside of my <3 suhrkamp editions of actually rather good German translations of Lovecraft's stories or in lovingly made .txt-files on the net, it was in a zombie-anthology ('The Dead that Walk'). I had never seen it under that premise of an idea.
This version of the story involves a young woman being extraordinarily sensitive to heat, living in a suspiciously cool flat. A reporter visits her and asks her about the doctor used to live there - and his alleged connection to 11 dead people. After clumsily threatening the woman, she starts with her story...

The Past:
Young woman (with no particular sensitivity to heat - HINT HINT HINT) moves into the house, the other people living there being the woman who owns it and a mysterious tenant (which we could foresee to be the mysterious doctor) who is not to be disturbed. In her apartment, however, young woman notices ammonia accumulating on the ceiling, dropping onto her musical notes.
Cue in abusive stepfather, crude sexual innuendos and attempted rape - in the end being heroically forestalled by mysterious tenant with a scalpel. Yes, meet David Warner as Dr. Madden. He's awesome in that role. Seriously awesome - but maybe that's because I'm kind of a fan of the guy, so there is a distinct possibility of bias.
The good doctor explains the frigid temperature to young woman by his skin disease, which requires an unusually cold room temperature, and after noncomittally having accepted that matter-of-factly, they part ways. Blood dripping down from the ceiling at night is the logical next step in this story's development.
We also find out that the doctor is probably more than 100 years old, and that he bleeds transparent ick instead of blood.
The story proceeds predictably from there if one is aware of the story by HPL, with only minor variations. Okay, we get a pretty kitschy romantic scene (which is surprisingly awesome considering the participants) complete with a bit of romantic love-making (...yaayy(?)!)... complete with a love-plot of the respected "Oh noes! I cannot stay away from this elderly mad undead scientist!"-variety + a kind of love-triangle. Followed by graphic melting of the good undead elderly mad scientist. We love you, Brian Yuzna. We do. So very very much.

Back to young woman and reporter. Reporter is drunk and suspects young-woman-talking-to-him and young-woman-from-the-story-about-the-goodly-doctor to be the same person. Oh noes. We totally didn't see that coming. Blah blah spinal fluid blah blah.

After that:
Back to Jeffrey Combs... eh, I mean Howard Phillips in 'The Library' (0), reading the Necronomicon. Another story - the third in this collection, again arising mystically from the pages of that evil book! (*grins*) ---

--- cut away to short number III, 'Whispers'. This one's also directed by Brian Yuzna, so you can freely assume to be in for some fleshy ride. And you would be right! 

It's the most ridiculous thing EVAR.

I love it dearly.

You will, too, if you can appreciate Yuzna-stamped fleshy things man was never meant to see and a campy plot:
Two policemen (one guy, one gal) have a car accident. Waking up, the female finds herself alone, her partner taken. As she's a cop and he's her partner and this is a predictable movie, she goes off to find him. Doing this, she demonstrates a great ability to pick out the worst situations to be in as she follows the trail of his blood...
The male disappears, whereas she ends up in some sort of subterranean hall and is found by a harmless and polite-appearing elderly man. Still underneath the earth, his bizarre wife appears, and it turns out they know about The Butcher - the (ghastly, terrifying, terrible, horrifying, astoundingly evil, bad, monstrous etc. etc. pp. ad nauseam) criminal that the policefemale and her partner have been hunting together! What a coincidence!
So they (the elderly couple) take her to their home, having a bit of small-talk and such things (...one would expect tea and biscuits!), and inform her that The Butcher is an alien that has been here since before the time of the dinosaurs - or is he the servant of an alien? Who knows...
In order to achieve police-y stuff,  female cop is being taken downwards...  farther down into the depth of the earth - to a tunnel, decorated with odd wallcarvings and stuff like that (presumably, this is supposed to be a 'Lovecraftian' design), where the elderly male shows her a deep hole in the ground, fully hidden by a malevolent mist and surrounded by more eldritch (kind of Aztec-looking) carvings. How did he come by this knowledge, we all wonder? So finally it turns out at this point that the elderly couple is a team of obscene cultists of the Great Old Ones. Female cop is thrown into a surreal, slime-filled, squicky underworld, where she finds her partner undergoing a horrible transformation.

It is the most ridiculous thing I have ever fucking seen. I mean... OMG. Flappy flapping things. Seriously, this beats a lot of crappy animatronics, and ZOMG -- this is perfect. Hilarious.

In the end, the cultists turn out to be pro-life AND marrow-sucking aliens. This is indeed worth a satisfied nod - predictable, yes, but awesome. It's far too random and awesome and cool to give away the 'plot', for lack of a better worth, - well, give away more than I already did, but hey, I did slap a spoiler warning on top of this - but... man.
Flappy things.
They make me giggle every time I see them.

*happyful*

...rest assured that madness ensues.

Cut to frame-story (0) of Jeffrey Combs in the library with the Necronomicon. Something tentacled attacks him, and an awesome bald priest - who is seriously cool, I like the character a lot -, has, after warning Lovecraft cryptically of evil things, most of his face pulled off by our soft-spoken Providence scholar. Then a terrible evil from the other end of a colourful tunnel connecting the Necronomicon to worlds beyond eats his skull out of his skin.

Forces have been unleashed that should never have been stirred from their uneasy, merciful sleep...



A remarkably funny way of butchering Lovecraft. I am often lenient with the truly trashy terrible transmutations being marketed as 'based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft', especially if they have this ...special charm. Yes, I'm an addict. However, this flick is thoroughly enjoyable and will guarantee giggles galore. The FX alone are enjoyable - handiwork one recognises and appreciates. There should be more movies like that.


6.75 / 10 flappy flapping things wildly flapping around in a completely non-menacing way (yes, it's that good).

* There seems to be some kind of disagreement on the year; my copy says 1994, and I've originally seen this aired on TV ages ago as a 1994 movie. IMDB says 1993. I am obviously going with IMDB here.

** Spelling disputed.

*** Knowledge of obscure dead languages - check. Researches ancient religions - check. Trained in archaeology / anthopology - check. Reads old books - check. Pale and thin - check. Indulges in the occasional mad giggling - check. Watches horror movies - check. Reads HPL - check. 

...Holy fuck, I am a manifestation of a cliché!

**** Lovecraft didn't like seafood or general fishy stuff. Like... really didn't like it. Never wondered why most of his grand, icky stuff comes from the watery abyssal depths?

Bleeders aka Hemoglobin (1997)

Ah... H.P. Lovecraft.

I admit it, I am easy to please in some regards. Movies based on stories by HPL are one such thing. No matter how abysmally bad it is, I will see it and to some degree enjoy it. Bleeders aka Hemoglobin is based on the story "The Lurking Fear"... and indeed, it's not entirely off the mark.




The movie explains to us that there was a Dutch countess, Eva van Dam, who was of such a narcissistic nature that she only wished to make love to herself. Failing to be able to do that, she settled for the closest other thing: Her twin brother. And so, a love-story, fairy-tale and horrific dystopia began, lasting for hundreds of years...

Hemoglobin wants us to say hello to our main protagonist: John Strauss (as played by Roy Dupuis). He is pale, has lips that are a little bit too red, his eyes are of two different colours, he can't stand the sun for too long, he can't eat most foods, is always tired during the day, suffers from spontaneous nosebleeds and seizures as well as cramps, spasms and blackouts. It's clear from the beginning that he's not a healthy man.




Thing is, John Strauss is suffering from something that appears to be an incredibly rare genetic disease. John and his wife are traveling to an island from which John's ancestors possibly came from. There, they find some Dr. Marlowe (Rutger Hauer!)... and Dr. Marlowe doesn't come as the bearer of good news. Whilst he is examining the strange young man, the inhabitants of the island are exhuming coffins in the local burial ground - something there seems to be wrong with the ground, and they want to preserve the dead.

John and his wife (can't bother to look up the name right now) get a room at the local hotel. John has it bad - he can't stomach food, and even the mild light of dusk is too bright for his eyes. Walking around, they (well, mostly she) ask about the Strauss family - but to no avail. The people in this village aren't really willing to talk to people from outside the island.

[Insert sub-plot about necklace and burial and grave-robbery here]

Whilst John is falling asleep, his wife is visiting Dr. Marlowe, asking him if he thinks that what John has is hereditary. Dr. Marlowe mentions the Van Dams and their inbreeding habits - and shows her one of the Van Dam children.

Yes, that's formaldehyde.

Meanwhile, John is having flashbacks to... something. Somewhen. Disturbing images.

And he's hungry...

...it's night outside. And the gravedigger's daughter is out. Out in the graveyard...

It's a bit hard to type with that buzzing rhythm pulsing uncomfortably in my right side, so please bear with me. They travel to the Van Dam estate - it is empty now, as the last Van Dams died in a fire 75 years ago. An old woman is supposed to live up there, a nurse who might know more about John's disease.

Meanwhile, Dr. Marlowe is trying to make sense of John's test results, as he gets interrupted - by someone carrying the mauled body of a ...humanoid creature with him. Examining it further, the good Doctor ascertains that it appears to be human, but a hermaphrodite - a fully functional hermaphrodite, capable of replicating with itself.

Cut to John Strauss. He and his wife are surprised by an old woman who seems to recognise John. Further identification ensues, and the old woman tells him that he was the only surviving member of the Van Dam family, saved from the fire. When the talk turns to the desires and Cravings he feels, and he admit that he suffers from them but does not know what they are about, the old woman retreats fearfully, threatening both him and his wife and driving them away. Reluctantly, they leave.




In the meantime, we get one (1) child dragged into the ground through a hole.

Returning in fury, John demands of the old woman to know the truth - she couldn't have saved him from the fire because he wasn't 75 years old. It was his right to know the truth.

...and she shows him...

And the truth is... not all of the Van Dams are dead.

As a storm approaches mercilessly, the small island slowly descends into terror. John is sick and hardly able to move on his own; dark rain is cutting into the people's faces, thunder deafens human ears... and somewhere, something is crawling. Eating. Breeding. Feeding.




Dr. Marlowe discovers a group of... humanoids. Things. Mutated monstrosities of centuries of inbreeding... deformities feeding on corpses. It's the remaining family members of the Van Dams... apparently, they had been tunnelling underneath the cemetery for centuries since they disappeared from the eye of the public, feeding on corpses for generations - necrophagia and anthropophagia in general (but mostly necrophagia). Them lucky ghouls*.

Formulating an answer to John's problem in his mind, Marlowe talks to him and his wife, leaving a jar. With a Van Dam embryo in it. For John to feed on it.




After devouring the fetus, John is filled with vigour, life and power.

Then some other stuff happens. It involves a lot of screaming, hysterical people, deformed monstrosities, light, darkness, psychological terror, ...

...and then my favourite scene EVER.

EVER.

And no, I won't tell you about it (actually, it's two scenes, but what the heck).

Bleeders aka Hemoglobin is a very atmospheric movie; a friend of mine called it "dreamy", and I think that's a word that can be employed with a good conscience when talking about this movie. It has a dream-like quality - much more so than the short story "The Lurking Fear" upon which this movie was loosely based.

If you like Lovecraftian inbreeding stories, then you should enjoy Bleeders a lot. And if you like slightly weird, character-centered movies, you should give it a go as well. I would recommend it to the vampires-crowd, but Hemoglobin isn't pretty and shiny enough for that. And I'm perfectly fine with that. Ghouls have rights, too**.

Rutger Hauer's performance is not as great as it could have been, but then again, I compare each of his performances with The Hitcher... so he naturally pales in comparison to his old self. Roy Dupuis has some really fine moments in the second act of the movie - when the film starts, I sometimes wanted to bitchslap him for being artificial, but during the second act, everything he did became fluent and natural. I now wonder if I haven't been a bit too harsh, for maybe the artificiality of the character of John Strauss is not just an accident of bad acting but an intended characterisation of the persona being incorporated.




9/10 whole new sets of senses...

*You might be wondering why I classify this as a ghoul movie, but considering my personal definition of a ghoul, it fits.

**If I ever should find myself leader of a political party, that will be my motto.

Masters of Horror 02 - "H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams in the Witch House" (2005)

I admit it, this episode is my favourite of all the Masters of Horror episodes. It is directed by Stuart Gordon (a man I adore for his work), is a nifty and pretty faithful adaption of the original story by the Master of Horror himself*, AND features Ezra Godden. Yes, I admit it - I have the hots for Ezra Godden. There, I said it.




What instantly becomes available to everyone who has read Lovecraft's stories with the same obsessive eagerness than I have, is that this movie stays surprisingly close to the story. Over the years, I (and apparently other fans of HPL) have come to accept that there will never be a movie which stays faithful to its roots... then came Stuart Gordon's Dagon (one of my all-time favourites EVER), and now he surprises us with this neat little output.



For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story... a young student of mathematics moves into a weirdly built room in an old house (why? He is a student! Don't you people know that my kind is continuously and eternally broke?). Rumour has it that a witch, responsible for the deaths of many children - babies, even! - used to live in there... and other tenants are reluctant to speak about the old hag and what happened. Being a student of maths and thereby crazy by definition**, he immediately spots the weird angles' similarity to what he is working on - a theory about how the use of certain angles could make it possible to twist the space-time-continuum and eventually allow travel to... other places. And then... then things start to get ...weird.




Besides of actually being able to keep up the suspense and tension throughout the whole episode, H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams in the Witch House is a very atmospheric little flick. And although there is no lack of tension and suspense (greatly helped to an unsettling degree by the creepy and tense soundtrack), I am glad that this wasn't a whole feature film.

...and then there's Ezra Godden as Walter Gilman (HAH! One of the Gilmans! *broad grin*). Besides for me having the hots for the guy (Attention, humans: The cyn is swooning! And a terrifying sight it is to behold!)), he really is a great actor who is just perfect for appearing in movies based on Lovecraft.
The other main character introduced to us is Frances Elwood, as played by a very convincing Chelah Horsdal. The interaction between the two actors slash characters is always believable and floats naturally. No overacting here - instead, the realistic portrayal of Walter and Frances.
Other than that, Campbell Lane portrays the crazed old fella Masurewicz who used to live in the same room as Paul is now inhabiting. Although only appearing a few times, he adds a genuine level of good creepiness to H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams in the Witch House.




This movie offers a lot to the discerning Lovecraft reader. The atmosphere is brooding and dark, with lighting and camera used to the definite advantage of the flick. It's not what I'd call a perfect piece of art (after all, I have The Living and The Dead as well as Aftermath to consider...), but it definitely is one of the better movies when it comes to the camerawork employed.




The pacing is perfect for this faithful adaption of a classic. Also, we get treated to a really awesome Necronomicon, creeping insanity, being enstranged from oneself and reality (always a bonus), more creeping insanity, rituals involving infanticide*** and Latin that is actually correct.




I personally adore this short, and have no trouble watching it for the xth time just to deliver screenshots.



Aaaand - let's not forget the Miskatonic University shirt. See for another one of those in my review of From Beyond... and trust me, I still want that thing badly.





9.5/10 really furious battles between a creepy witch and her intended victim, featuring eye-gouging. Man. I so approve.



* H.P. Lovecraft, of course!

** It happens to the best and brightest amongst them... I should know, I have a bunch of friends who study mathematics and theoretical physics.

** The killing of a child.

From Beyond (1986)

The Resonator, a powerful machine that can control the sixth sense, has killed its creator and sent his associate into an insane asylum. But when a beautiful psychiatrist becomes determined to continue the experiment, she unwittingly opens the door to a hostile parallel universe... and to the deviant behaviour within the human psyche. With its victims becoming creatures who feed on - and become aroused by - human brains, the Resonator is the ultimate man-made monster. And now something's gone horribly wrong and no one can turn it off!

...or at least that's what my Unrated Director's Cut DVD of From Beyond says. I have to disagree a little bit on the details, but more on that in due course.

First of all, chant with me: Jeffrey Combs! Jeffrey Combs! Jeffrey Combs! Jeffrey Combs! ...etc. etc. pp. ad nauseam. Also... produced by Stuart Gordon, directed by Brian Yuzna... I trust this movie. Call me naive, but I inherently tend to trust anything the two guys come up with. Especially if it features Jeffrey Combs. Or Ezra Godden.

Now, the premise of the movie pretty much is summed up in what my DVD cover said resp. says. The film starts out with Crawford Tillinghast (Jeffrey Combs) activating the Resonator built by Prof. Edward Pretorious (who resides in the building of the Pretorious Foundation, Benevolent St. 666)... and, together with pink light, a nasty, fishy thing appears and bites him into the face before he turns the machine off again, thereby causing the thingy to disappear again.

Meet the Resonator:

A machine designed to awaken the pineal gland to its full potential, thereby awakening a sixth sense - a third eye of sorts, with which one can see into the regions beyond that what is visible to our mere human, mortal sight. Intriguing concept. I vaguely remember that the Principia Discordia recommends contacting Eris through the pineal gland. I doubt that Omar Ravenhurst and Lord Malacalypse the Younger had From Beyond in mind when they wrote those world-changing words, though.
Back to the movie: Of course the experiment worked, and the Resonator opened up a gate of sorts (I am refraining from starting to chant 'Yog Sothoth' over and over now...). Or rather, tore down the barriers between our so-called "real" world and... the beyond.

As a result, IT comes through and devours Prof. Edward Pretorious ("It ...ate him... bit off his head... like a gingerbread man!!"), conveniently by twisting off his head (we get treated to a really nice shot of that later on in the movie).

Dr. Katherine McMichaels (Barbara Crampton), quite a pretty psychiatrist (I like her better in her business-like clothes, but I just throw that in now - later, this is open for discussion and a peer review), takes an interest in Tillinghast's case (who, in the meantime, has landed in Miskatonic Mental Hospital... I was a bit disappointed that it wasn't Arkham Asylum, but then again, I can't have everything I want), as no one knows why Pretorious' body is missing a head and... well, because. I am not entirely sure myself.

Intrigued in Tillinghast's story of what happened at Benevolent St. 666, she orders a CAT scan of his brain. To her surprise (and the chagrin of Dr. Bloch, his treating psychologist), the scan reveals that his pineal gland is of abnormal size (bigger than usual, you morons, not smaller) and actually expanding into his brain, extending to the optic thalami. In simple-speak: It appears to be growing.

We all know what this means: Dr. McMichaels thinks that the experiment actually worked and wants to recreate the experiment. Of course, she needs Tillinghast for this, as he is the only one who knows how to operate the Resonator, now that Prof. Pretorious ...died. The police allows her to do so, as they are more interested in solving the case of the dead man with the twisted-off head than in, you know, preserving mankind and protecting it from evil forces from beyond (hah! See what I did there?!). The usual stuff.

Tillinghast, of course, isn't exactly thrilled, but given the choice of spending the rest of his life in the asylum or doing the experiment one more time, he decides to do the lesser of two evils. Or so he thinks...


Arriving at the Pretorious Foundation, I want to add that I really like the scene in which Combs slowly and carefully, full of hesitation, enters the building, with the number 666 (*starts to sing* ...the number of the Beast... *cough* Sorry, won't happen again. Promised.) slowly appearing. He is literally entering his own hell. Maybe I'm interpreting too much into it, but I liked it.

On their tour through the old mansion, they also find Pretorious' pleasure room.

Me like.

So... of course, they get the Resonator running, and stuff happens. Like... critters appearing. For example: A small critter (he just bit Ken Foree!).


We also get to meet Dr. Pretorious again (with a dialogue that is deeply engrained into my psyche due to a track on one of the This Is Horrorpunk compilations... Gods be damned if I can remember which one it is...). He has changed a little bit, but hey, looks are just that: Looks. Judging someone by his tentacles and deformations is just shallow.


Also, remember: Some people change more than others. And more often than others at that.



Of course, Tillinghast and Bubba (Ken Foree, the awesome and hungry police guy) aren't really for continuing with all that stuff - they proved that Tillinghast isn't a schizophrenic crazy, and thus, there is no need to continue with the experiments. However...dear Katherine is already hooked. She wants to continue and do more experiments.

At this point, I need to point out a, you guessed it, plothole: Tillinghast knows that moving whilst the Resonator is on makes the creatures see you when you're in the vibrating field. He tells the others to hold perfectly still. Of course they don't... but he doesn't either. A little bit stupid, if you ask me. Whilst it may not be a definite plothole, it's definitely something to wonder about.

Back to the plot. Our pretty psychiatrist wants to experiment further - because she wants to cure schizophrenia, as it seems to her that an enlarged pineal gland might have something to do with schizophrenia.

Anyone else seeing some sexual tension here, or is it just me?

We also get treated to the heartbreaking story of her dad, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and was turned into a vegetable, so she soooooo wants to try the Resonator again. Not because she's hooked on it and turned on by whatever her pineal gland under the influence of the Radiator's vibrations is telling her.

Of course, everything goes horribly wrong.


It's not actually tentacle rape or anything of that sort, but damn, it's still awesome. Sleeping gown-clad young pretty psychiatrists who get touched in a naughty way by semi-melted, metra-dimensional passed on insane scientists. Cool.

And then she's getting hooked on the Resonator's effects even more... which, now, shows us one of its other cool effects: Causing sexual depravity. As according to Magnus Hirschfeld and most of "normal" mankind (be glad I haven't read my new Foucault book yet, otherwise I'd probably start a philosophical rant on that topic...).

I can't really decide whether she wants to be tied to that, or tie someone up.

Sexual depravity, in this movie, comes in the form of looking at beams intended to spreadeagle someone and... dressing up.



...in an outfit I can't decide whether to classify as slutty in the submissive way or slutty in the dominant way. After all, she's wearing a collar.


Also, please agree with me that she looks better when in her business outfit and her hair up. This way, she just looks slightly chubby.

Then again, the Resonator - or rather, her enlarged pineal gland - made her into a sexual deviant, so she goes for the next pretty male she can find. In this case, it's Crawford Tillinghast.


In case you were wondering - he is bald and has minor burns because he nearly got swallowed by a creature from beyond. Obviously, that and his nearly comatose state make him an ideal target for her newly acquired somatophilia.


At which point I want to mention that somatophilia is classically defined (again I refer to Magnus Hirschfeld) as a less sadistic and less "sick" fetish than necrophilia, to which it is closely related (if we consider necrophilia in the classical sense, not in the way that Erich Fromm defined it) - and although I approve of necrophilia, I do not approve of somatophilia practiced on males.

A sombre moment of silence here. Nice gore, though. I knew I could trust this movie!

Humans are such easy prey...

I won't give away how this movie continues. That would rob those of you who haven't seen it of an intense joy that brought me happyful (there it is again, the word I am trying to bring into the mainstream - thanks, Palmolive corporation!). Let me just say that this movie is truly awesome. It's a rare thing for me to stand an 80s movie without getting bored for one single second (obviously, Hellraiser is an exception, as is Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and a handful of others), and this is just a really, really good movie. I like the camerawork, I adore the soundtrack (I give it an A++) - it's not as brilliant as the Re-Animator soundtrack (my all-time favourite), but still amazing. The FX are solid, there's a lot of gooey and slimy goodness, as well as cool and at times funny gore... what else could I want from a movie? Plus, the plot is not too far off the story by HP Lovecraft on which it was based (please compare to Beyond the Wall of Sleep if you have any doubts).

Plus...

10/10 Miskatonic U shirts worn by a protagonist in a Stuart Gordon movie!

Beyond the Wall of Sleep (2006)

First of all: This is going to be screenshot-intensive. I just adore the pretty pictures a lot, and they say so much more than my words ever could. That said... here we go.

So... say hello to Joe. Joe is an inbred guy... and he's also special.

As fierce as the Wendigo, yet with the curiousity of a wild cat!

Story: Joe is, as I already mentioned, special. He also massacred his whole family and then ran wild through the Catskills mountains, got caught, brought to Arkham Asylum (sound familiar?), where strange things begin to happen...


Beautiful pictures. I actually love the beginning of this movie. Colours...
frantic cuts. I love frantic cuts with crazy pictures.

Also, any movie that starts with a reference to primordial ooze already has bonus points in my personal little book of "Rate This Movie". "Primordial Ooze" - it just has a certain ring to it. It makes me think of ...old things. Ancient things, even. Azathoth, Nyarlathotep... I really read too much Lovecraft.

At this point, I want to add something: If you play this movie slowly, VERY slowly with VLC media player, you will see HOW frantic those cuts are. To actually show you, I'd have to put a video up, and frankly, I am too lazy for that. You'll have to see for yourself - if you still want to after what I am about to reveal about this movie.


In case you happen to be ignorant of this specific work of The Master (read: Howard Phillips Lovecraft), you can read up on it here.

So, let's see... We start out with aforementioned pretty and frantic pictures, a mention of primordial ooze (see, or better read, above), some hints of blood and gore, followed by...

...weirdness.

For example, children dancing around, singing. With flowers. Around our protagonist, who appears to be a tiny little bit insane (see first screenshot).

Then we get two search parties. One of them is lead by the Sheriff, played by Tom Savini. I love spotting the guy. It's some sort of hobby for me, I admit it.

I quote: "Joe! Joe! No kill, find!", with a few added grunts.
Note: This is NOT Tom Savini. This is Peter.

He is the leader of this search party:

Pretty guys, right?

Snap to our nice intern at Arkham Asylum, Edward...


Looks like a trustworthy experiment, doesn't it?


I wonder if she volunteered for that treatment. Then again, judging from the moaning - and I mean ecstatic moaning - she seems to enjoy it. A lot.

As in... really.

You know you can trust your doctor.

... I mean, he looks trustworthy, doesn't he?

Then, we get whisked away, together with our trusty and trustworthy intern, Edward, to the examination of the inbred insane protagonist (as opposed to our trustworthy protagonist, intern Edward) - our dear Joe.

Here we learn that our protagonist has a "shape" on his back - a face, perhaps?
...or evil twins, unseparated at birth?!


I want to draw your attention to the nearly invisible thing.... shape.... on the back of poor ol' Joe. This, ladies and gentlemen, is supposed to be his Evil Twin, "unseparated at birth" (sorry, I just love that phrase) and responsible for the grisly murders that happened in the "inbred-area" of the Catskills mountains (aka, NOT where Arkham Asylum is).

This is, of course, an anomaly.

Also, remember:

When trying to find out what happened at the scene of a grisly massacre in inbred territory, applying leeches is tantamount to success. You should also use needles. BIG needles. Above, you see Joe (the one with the humanely placed collar that holds him up), Dr. Wardlow (the guy with the needle) and Dr. Fenton (who runs Arkham Asylum with all the professionalism you can expect from a slightly demented doctor). Note that Dr. Wardlow is also not exactly the most ...sane alienist the Asylum has ever seen.

Which brings me to a point: Every medical practitioner in this movie is crazy in one way or the other. It's a delight.



Ah, Wardlow... what should I say. This man is fond of needles - I mean, look at him. He is leaving the examination room (where he tried to make dear inbred, special Joe talk by putting leeches on him - remember: Leeches heal EVERYTHING! - and stab him with this monster of a needle), and is rightly pissed off. I mean... he didn't get to stab the, err... patient... with his needle!

Consequently, he treats us to the most random shot given to a patient ever.

"Wouldn't want to waste a perfectly good shot."

... indeed.

I want to note that the dialogues are absolutely brilliant. I mean that as a purveyor and connoisseur of bad B-Movies. BRILLIANT.


My mind wants to take this as some sort of deep symbolism. The light in the vague shape of a cross (don't disagree with me, it is DEFINITELY a cross in the one short frame in which you can see it without accompanying madman) brightening the darkness of the cell - the cell which is life itself in which we are but insane specks of insignificant dust, powerless (signified through the straight jacket), raging against the dying of the light which gives us but a brief glimpse of salvation from this bound, powerless, dark existence...

But for some reason, I don't think it is intended as such. Honestly, I think it was put in there because it looks awesome.

Back to our dear intern, Edward Eischel.


Do you still trust him? ...I wouldn't. I've seen that look on people's faces. It usually means that they don't exactly have your best interests at heart. In the case of an intern at Arkham Asylum, that might be normal (after all, we all know what Arkham is like and what kind of people get interred there - I bet my vinyl collection that Wilbur Whateley, if he had, uhm... survived, would have been there, and not out of his own free will... ... why are you looking at me like that? You don't know who Wilbur Whateley was? FOR SHAME! Go and educate yourself and come back when you can understand HP Lovecraft references! Pffffffft.... heretic. Heathen! ...where was I... ah, yes...), but I just want to draw attention to it. Maybe because he reminds me a tiny little bit of St. Francis of Death in my 2nd favourite movie (whoever can guess what that movie is can wish for a review).

In case I forgot to mention: People die when Joe sleeps. This is actually one of the most important things of the ...plot, but somehow, it never really comes across that strongly. The rest of the movie just makes you pay less attention to it. Which is a pity, because this could have been used to induce some real suspense... but hey, we are talking about a glorious abysmal B-Movie here.

So yes, people die when Joe sleeps. Like this fellow:

(No, he's not dead yet, but for Raptor Jesus' sake, I wasn't patient enough to grab a screenshot of him being gutted and dismembered, because, like everything in this movie, it happens in frantic, hectical shots and cuts that you have to sit through like 4 or 5 times in slow motion in order to be able to grab the frame you want...)

"Curious..."

Yes, my first reaction would be to say "curious..." as well when faced with SLEEP scrambled on the wall with blood. Especially after I spent a night in the cell of the weird patient who continually says that when he sleeps, bad things happen. Like that unexplained murder in the Asylum right after our dear, special Joe was checked into Arkham Asylum.

But you know, Edward (our dear mad intern) is different. What makes other men shiver excites him!

He also quotes Dr. Giggles. When he talks to his beautiful Ardelia (read: the experiment). Oh, and he collects brains. Beautiful brains, at that (his words, not mine).

DO YOUR LOINS ACHE FOR MY SYNAPTIC IMPULSES?!

- Why, yes, they do. She is orgasming allover the place. With her skull cut open and her brain exposed. Also, this line deserves a prize for the best one liner ever uttered in a movie EVER.

"You are keeping a cadaver as a ...a... kind of SEX TOY?!"

- Why, yes. She ACHES FOR HIS SYNAPTIC IMPULSES! Did I already mention that I totally adore this line?


Oh, and something I bet you didn't know - today in our latest installment of "Things That Doctors Do": This woman is NOT writhing in agony.

In fact, she is not in agony at all. Far from it. Seriously, experimenting with orgasming females seems to be common practice amongst mad scientists of the Arkham Asylum-persuasion.

...anyways.

Stop looking at those boobs.

So, now our insane intern starts plunging microphones and microbes and needles into Joe's brain - to try and make the "fetal twin" talk. He does it with the subtlety of doctors all over the Lovecraftian world - by doing science to the patient. In this case, this involves electricity. Lots of electricity, in case you were wondering.


I just put that one in to distract you, because those boobs ARE distracting when trying to follow the dialogue, which doesn't make a lot of sense anyways. Hell, they are distracting when you're trying to write a review.

...perky, aren't they? Nah, I'm not staring. Far too well-behaved for that.


So behold... Amducius speaks. With MIND VOICE!

And then... sleep. And during sleep... things happen. Or rather, Amducius (thing on Joe's back/in Joe/...) happens. If you know what I mean. As in... people die when Joe sleeps, and Amducius can roam free and ...kill people...

... from beyond the wall of sleep (see what I did there?!)... *insert Re-Animator theme here*


In case you can't tell: This is an exploding head. I'd put up the second screenshot I took of this particular scene, for exploding heads give me pleasure and happyful... but you know... lazy.

So... on with the plot. Or should I make that "plot"? Our good intern gets kicked out of Arkham Asylum for political and personal reasons. But Edward is not happy - not happy at all.

There is no happyful in his mind now.

His research... gone. Dead to his family, he needs to solve the mystery of Joe and Amducius on his own. Consequently, he visits Joe's house. There's not much to see there but some corpses (massacre, remember?), bodyparts... and Edward slipping farther into the world of ... you guessed it, Amducius.

The children start talking to him (in his head) - they want to show him how they and 'their people' came to this (our) world.

Say hello to the parental units.

I won't give the details away. Let's just say that evil alien entities had a lot of incest to produce the perfect vessel for Amducius, and now the children need Edward to help them. For some reason... I think they were the leaders of the world and ruled humankind, so they need to be the chosen people again and need Daddy (Amducius). Or something. It's like... "Hey, we are the Small Ones of the Great Old Ones, could you, like... get us back to power?"

So, our hero, Edward, rushes back to the hospital. To help the critters... eh, I mean, children of... the parental units pictured above.

Arriving there, he is confronted with HORROR:

"MY BRAINS! MY BEAUTIFUL BRAINS! YOU MONSTERS! THEY WERE PERFECT SPECIMEN! THEY WERE MY BRAINS!"

...a man mourning for his brains.

A minute of silence, everyone. This is serious business. Those perfect specimen... *sheds a tear*...

...

Did I mention that this movie shows the most gratuitious kicking of mental patients by doctors ever? This also includes ramming handicapped patients with trolleys. The patients get kicked around, thrown down stuff, thrown against walls, run over, have their throats slit open, get suffocated, cut open... totally random.

Also, we get treated to cadaver-dancing. As in, doctor dancing with Ardelia, zombie-sex-toy.


Did I say dancing? Err... I mean... you know what I mean. In case you can't tell, that's the good Dr. Fenton getting rid of his restraining garments, aka pants, for he is consumed with lust for Ardelia, zombie-girl.

Sidenote: THIS is what happens after the prelude to... dancing. Yes. Dancing.


That, dear readers, is zombie-girl ripping off the skull of the good doctor who wanted to do her good. Note that tongue and lower jaw are still attached to the body. But... was this unexpected? Nah. The look on her face when he started to get rid of his pants said enough to foreshadow this.

Edward gets a little too excited with the whole Amducius-business, so he decides to drill a hole into Joe's head in order to "come to Amducius". That's when we learn that he also has drilled a hole into his own head .

Because... "The Brain needs AIR!"

...yes. Yes, of course.

Hence the overabundance of holes drilled into human foreheads in today's society. I just live in the wrong part of the world, otherwise I could possibly appreciate the wonder and beauty of the head-hole more than I do now.

Now that both of them have holes in their heads to allow the brain to breathe healthy air, our intern proceeds to directly connect himself to his ...patient (?). And he sees....

...he sees the wisdom of the ages.

If you ever come across a folder named "Wisdom of the Ages", you might find some of the following inside (and possibly more!):

A random sigil from the Lemegeton...

...a slightly psychedelic looking shot of Cthulhu on a Necronomicon sigil...

...yourself in a quite bald state of being...

...cute critters... erm, children who want you to bring their Elder God Daddy back...

...and some intestines being ripped out.

Now, as far as I remember, the original story has the being in Joe shoot out from him, becoming a star and fighting against the "adversary" in a place far away on the nightly sky. Let's see what they do here.

GROUP HUG TIME!

Let us all bow before Amducius! Brains connected in regular currents, linked to OUR MASTER AMDUCIUS!! ...ehm, sorry. Got carried away there a bit. I would NEVER BLASPHEME, MY LORD NYARLATHOTEP! *cough* Ahem.


Wait a second. Amducius looks like Bad-CGI-Cthulhu? Why does EVERYTHING Mythos- or Lovecraft-related have to look like Cthulhu?! Next thing I know is they'll depict Hastur like Cthulhu.

But, all in all: A truly delightful movie. Cheesy one-liners, brilliant dialogues, frantic cuts, and a fine parody of old film noir. Not a faithful adaption of Lovecraft, but let's be honest - what is? Stuart Gordon's Dagon aside, and to some degree also the Re-Animator series (if you pierce the scattered pieces together).

7/10 loins aching for the input of synaptic impulses