The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Thanks go to CB for recommending this one quite some time ago; I had seen it advertised when it came out, but wasn't too impressed and didn't read any reviews, dismissing it from the get-go. After insinuations that I might enjoy it a lot, I recently gave it a go due to having finished my thesis and all that and finally having time for some relaxed watching of horror under the influence. And lo and behold, I have a new favourite movie.

Let's start with the obvious basics: Directed by Drew Goddard and written by him and Joss Whedon (aka He-Who-Gave-Us-Cowboys-in-Outer-Space), The Cabin in the Woods is a well-paced, awesome, intriguing horror movie with a meta-spin to it that makes it all the more enjoyable. Spoilers galore, so if you haven't seen the movie yet, I heartily recommend you get yourself a copy and watch it right now. You can come back after you're done; if you want to particularly enjoy it, watch it at least twice. I've been enjoying it about a dozen times now, and it still brings me joy; whether this demonstrates the quality of the movie or attests to my obsessive-compulsive movie-watching-behaviour or both is another matter entirely.

The Cabin in the Woods serves us three narratives, which are intertwined with one another, yet can be seen as three single narrative discourses - stories, if you want. Like a tapestry, the movie as a whole consists of these three stories that weave a complex narrative that puts a spin on the typical horror movie story of the 'cabin in the woods' aka 'wood with college kids' variety.

The basic storyline that we get to recognise is exactly that one; a group of young adults goes on vacation in a remote cabin in the woods (you already see that the title has not been chosen for no particular reason!). There simply is no way to describe the setting of this basic, in a way central story, as anything else. So the young people settle in (at THE CABIN IN THE WOODS *dun-dunn-DUN*) and begin to party, and we get treated to the classical stereotypes of the Jock, the Whore, the Final Girl, the Brainy Guy and the Stoner. These stereotypes are gleefully and flawlessly executed, yet partly subverted within the story's world and context(s): The Jock actually is a sociology major, and his 'alpha-male bullshit' is completely mystifying to the Stoner, who continuously observes strange incoherencies within the operative world of the storyline being played out with these young people, and as for Final Girl... I refer to the movie. 

This storyline is being framed by the second narrative, which is about some sort of official (but non-military) facility, where some kind of yearly competition is being held between such facilities all over the world. It isn't entirely clear from the beginning on what kind of competition this is, but it apparently involves messing with people in completely controlled environments. From conversations between the scientists and workers at the facility, for example, we learn that the dye which the ...sexually (more) promiscuous female used to dye her hair blonde had chemicals in it which, being absorbed through the skin, would enter the bloodstream and cause 'lower cognition'. Brilliant. The use of stereotypes within the first narrative frame is actually explained in this second narrative frame - not in an obvious way most of the time, hence my recommendation to re-watch this movie.

Now, pretty much everyone will go 'HUH?' as soon as the second narrative frame appears as a framing device for the first narrative: What on earth are these science-y types doing? And WHY?

...enter third narrative. We only get treated to this in a few instances, but damn. Or possibly 'BUT DAMMN!', to better express my enthusiasm. The third narrative frame is the 'big one', so to speak - it offers explanations for the other two narrative frames. What makes it so special, so awesomely awesome? Easy: ANCIENT GODS. If you're a Lovecraft fan(atic) like myself, the appeal of this should be instantly obvious. In my opinion, any movie that includes humanity-annihilating ancient gods that need to be placated by gruesome sacrifices automatically wins. Even if terribly executed. In The Cabin in the Woods, it is wonderfully executed; the terrible revelation of the end of mankind is being delivered in a truly human scene of ...people being people. It's hilarious and (in-)sane and cool. I might be gushing a bit because, by the darkness and its haunted midnight graves, I absolutely adore this movie, but nonetheless, it's worth watching. Even if you don't share my particular brand of movie obsession.

One really important point is that it's funny - not in the 'Dumb and Dumber'-way, but in the awesome, cheesy horror flick way. It is enjoyable on a similar level as, say, the Evil Dead series. Do not think that it is a campy movie, though - it revels in its humour (which is pretty dark, according to some acquaintances), but it also revels in its horror.

Let's speak of the horror aspect, mh?

Try to remember the last time you thought 'holy shit, that's a scary thought' when watching a horror movie. I don't know about you, oh wonderful readers, but it's been a while for me. Inside (á l'Intérieur) comes to mind, Martyrs. The Living and The Dead. Movies with a decidedly psychological horror-element. Some Cronenberg movies make me uncomfortable (hence my appreciation of the body horror genre). Sometimes a well-crafted horror story can evoke such feelings, or RPG supplements (yes, I am a terrible, neurotic geek for reading roleplaying supplements and rulebooks in my free time [or would that be a nerd]? Last weekend, I re-read my old Kult material. It was awesome). Or newspaper clippings. Or songs. But the average horror movie? Heh. No. **

So, horror in The Cabin in the Woods.

The first narrative frame (the youthful friends on vacation in the eponymous cabin) doesn't hold any horror; in fact, it has quite a humorous mood, which is always a bonus when watching non-psychological horror flicks. I like my violence to be interspersed with humour. That's what made movies like Braindead (Dead Alive for the people among you hailing from the US of A) or Army of Darkness so fucking awesome back when I was a half-human*. That's also what made Shaun of the Dead so awesome. Actually, the first narrative about the beautiful young people can easily be compared to SotD in some regards (don't hate me!). Both movies are full of inside jokes and references to other things from the world of horror - with Shaun of the Dead, it's movies, whereas The Cabin in the Woods generously references books, movies, stories, myths... there are so many shout-outs to the world of horror in general that it's nigh impossible to list even a fraction of them.

Playing SPTR ('SPot The Reference(!)') with this movie as part of a drinking game can prove to be disastrous to people who watch far too many horror movies. I can personally vouch for this. Playing SPTR with The Cabin in the Woods can and will result in the Alien Mother of All Hangovers. Maybe it's me getting old, but ...damn. Don't do it. The last part of the movie - in which the three narrative frames are combined into one; well done, people who came up with this and who I am too lazy to look up right now! Za vas! - is stuffed full with various references. Particularly obvious even to non-horror freaks will be the Hellraiser-esque demon (?), referenced in the credits as Fornicus, Lord of Bondage and Pain, played by one Gregory Zach. Fans of horror will find this movie to be a pleasure just for the possibilities of decoding the shout-outs - and indeed, The Cabin in the Woods gains something from (over-)exposure to other horror movies.

Horror, though. The second narrative frame (with the scientists and their complete control over the surroundings of the characters from narrative frame #1) is steeped in what, for me, makes this a horror movie, not just a funny referencing game in movie form. The ever increasing levels of control and observation installed in our present-day societies leaves a bitter taste when coupled with the (ironic) question of how much these things control our lives, exemplified bluntly (but effectively!) with the whole premise of the movie. Your phone provider is able to track your every move, even if you never use the whole GPS thing; obsessive former lovers can track you with a little bit of tech knowledge, and governments are collecting data tracks of their citizens, just to make sure no one steps out of line. Welcome to dystopia. The Cabin in the Woods takes these all too common fears and translates them into a specific cultural jargon, mocking it. Mocking us, in a way. How would you feel if you were trapped in situations that were controlled from the outside by someone else, manipulating you like a puppet while you think that you are acting out of free will...?

Anyways. Awesome movie. Whoa.

11/10 central themes of sacrifice and slaughter that connect and bind all of mankind under one monstrously divine threat

* ... A child or teenager. 

** ... Maybe there is some kind of desensitivisation in play here? I am not entirely sure. I don't really watch horror movies because they, dunno, horrify me, or make me feel as if fingers of ice started playing a macabre song of suspense and fear with the nerves radiating from my spine like ghostly puppet masters. I watch horror movies because ...I don't really know, actually. I'll think about it. But it's not for the horror, because there rarely is any kind of horror... When a movie comes along that manages to capture my interest and my fantasy, that manages to let me sink into the premise and feel as if I were part of that world with feelings of suspense, I am pretty much sold on it forever.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010)

Sheesh. A person turns their back onto modern horror in order to descend into madness for a career in stuff no one's interested in besides for the occasional madman or creep, only to return and see that they fucking missed a lot of cool stuff in the two years they were busy. Jeez. Give a body some rest.

Then again, I distinctly remember seeing the DVDs in a friend's preferred video store, thinking something along the lines of "this is so not going to be funny". And now, roughly 2 years later, I can come here and say 'dude, I was wrong. SO WRONG', because this, ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and ghouls, zombeasts and vamplings, is frelling hilarious. And I mean HILARIOUS.

So... let's start with WEST VIRGINIAAAAAAAA!!! Not just the home of my favourite band Blitzkid - who are going to finally split up after this tour, and damn, I shall have to run amok if I cannot manage to get to their final gig in Köln on Halloween - but also the trusty location where all horror movie nerds from around the world* know to find the evil woods that house, well, hillbillies. Murderous hillbillies. Madness, murder, slaughter, violence, death! Not necessarily in this order, though.

So yeah, the second we move into West Virginia, we know we're in for... well. A ride. I would totally offer you screenshots of the West Virginia woods scene in Tucker & Dale vs Evil and drag up my old West Virginia woods screen from Wrong Turn now, but alas, this laptop is not able to do that.

Our two heroes are Tucker and Dale. Tucker (Alan Tudyk) is one of the nifteh guys from Firefly in case you think you remember that face; in this movie, the eponymous Tucker is one of two 'hillbillies' on their way to their vacation in their dilapidated cabin in the woods; he is a simple yet philosophically skilled man who understands the truths of the world as it presents itself to us (and, according to Dale, also quite the man with the ladies, which I feel compelled to believe him). Dale - played by Tyler Labine - is the sweet-natured, slightly bigger guy. To be honest, I felt eerily reminded of Cannibal Flesh Riot! and the comedic trope of the tall, thin, clever guy teamed up with the beer-belly, bigger, less clever guy; the slight Cannibal Flesh Riot! - feeling probably comes from the fact that both movies subvert the trope successfully.

Tucker & Dale vs Evil is something that will probably be funny to most people, but only hilariously funny to those of us who have watched a few too many horror flicks. Every single stereotype is there, magnificently enhanced by the movie's joy to take the genre-specifics that all make us groan and just run with them; there's no need to pretend that the victims are not picked out for our viewing pleasure, that what happens is actually happening due to circumstances and not because it's what happens in horror flicks, that people get hilariously killed in extremely funny ways not because this is a horror flick but because this is, you know, serious business.

Generally speaking, this movie did everything right.

I particularly want to praise how writer** and director Eli Craig made it really easy for the viewer to see the two sides of the story - the hapless Dale and the a-bit-less-hapless Tucker (reminding at least me not just a little of his Firefly-character Wash) with all the weird stuff that happens around them, seriously confused by what they experience: perfectly contrasted with the young college people (I freely assume they are being young college people as actors of that age and dressed like that in such movies are always college people) and their preconceptions about what kind of people Tucker and Dale might possibly be.

As someone who is fascinated with the differences that make up each of our realities due to inferring that the world is the way we see it, I find this movie to be simply AWESOME - funny and awesome. It is hilarious, but at the same time, I could easily make a comparison between our college youths and Nazi Germany - but alas, I will refrain from doing that***.

The faithful horror fan will enjoy the scenes presented in Tucker & Dale vs Evil so much more than a non-horror viewer - although I have to admit I do not think too many people without at least a slight penchant for horror would watch it. Then again, I have no idea what normal people who are not into horror actually watch...

Old horror movie key-scenes and tropes have been used in such a fucking ingenious way that I feel it would be unfair to rob you of them by talking about them. Let's just say that the scenes are nearly flawless.

Oh, and I want to state that the free use of beer is awesome in this movie. Beer is an important part of civilisation, and these two proud men know it. Tucker and Dale are on the case!

Seriously though: Serious message (do not assume that people are what you think they are just because of their looks and your preconceived notions of stereotypes), hilarious flick. Along with the fun, the brain-stuff, the subtle social undertones we also get some really heart-warming scenes about friendship and acceptance (and cute romance). As I said, in my opinion, this has pretty much everything and has been done very, very, very very well. :D

The acting is pretty solid throughout - our two male leads and the female lead (Katrina Bowden as Allison) are obvious in this regard, but the college kids are also... more believable than their non-funny-horror-flick-with-hillbillies-counterparts on which they have been modelled. Then again, overacting such a part is way easier than trying to act believably - I mean come on. Would you be able to act in a believable way if you were to be cannon fodder for a woods-slasher-movie? I know I probably wouldn't.

The dialogue, too, is one of the most hilarious things ever, especially if you're watching this with the horror stereotypes we all know and love in mind. To be honest: Writing a review for this is a bit weird for me because I am giggling most of the time if not laughing out loud due to the hilarity of it all.

Hence:

Highly recommended to everyone!

9.5 / 10 creepy college kids hurling themselves to their premature death ("...Grab a leg!")

* Including females with hardly any idea about the geography of the world today who are nonetheless still able to split hairs about how much distance can be calculated to be lying between two ancient sites that have been ancient and dead for more than 4,000 years, obviously.

** Together with Morgan Jurgenson.

*** Take the superstitions the college kids have towards our friendly heroes and how that enrages them to act further and further, drowning down the spiral of pointless violence, under the aegis of a leader, and simply compare mentally with how the Germans and Austrians had these weird superstitions towards the Jewish people and how that enraged them to act further and further, drowning down the spiral of pointless violence under the aegis of a Führer... damn, I did it! ><

The Last House on the Left (1972)

To avoid fainting, keep repeating "It's only a movie...It's only a movie..."

It seems to be 70s time these days - Rabid was from 1977, Shock Waves from 1977 as well, and The Last House on the Left is from 1972.

The first things I noticed was the soundtrack. It's very ...70s like. Jazzy. Snazzy. You can just feel the summers of love, and can smell the weed (well, that might just be me) pervading the air. Girls are not wearing a bra, Daddy remarks upon his little girl's nipples, gives her a little gift (see below, maybe to enhance the nipples)... and one o those girls, namely one of our initial protagonist, is going to a concert to visit a gig by a band that dismembers live chickens on stage. Want to see them live.




She and another female friend of hers have no intention to go to that concert, though - they are sitting outside together, exploring the wild, drinking whisky, laughing, having fun. On their way in their car to... somewhere else... they hear of a group of escapees of violent rapists and murderers.




Cut to the violent rapists and murderers - a quite nice group of young men and one woman, whose habits include drinking, smoking, possibly listening to wild music and misbehaving.




The paths of our two parties cross when the two girls meet the youngest of the bunch, as they approach him for weed... and he takes them with him, to get some Columbian Gold. However, things don't go as they are planned.

I find this scene strangely erotic.

Meanwhile, we learn that tomorrow, one of the girls would have her birthday, and the parents are busy preparing the gifts and cake for Mari (their daughter).





Who is, in the meantime, watching helplessly as her friend gets raped.

Next day - Mari's birthday - we can see her being carried out of the flat in which she and her friend found themselves, thrown into the trunk of a car ("right on top of your friend!"), whilst the gang of misfits drives somewhere else - with their car breaking down in front of Mari's place. They take her out of the trunk, down into the dense woods. The police decides to not see the car (could cause problems, you know)... good old law enforcement. You can always rely on them.




It's suspenseful to watch the girls trying to escape from the group of violent fugitives - engaging. Something that this movie has in abundance and which new movies from the US lack is suspense. You never quite know what will happen next, the plot isn't so watered down that you could as well have none, and the plot we do have is simple, straightforward and believable. There's nothing fancy about this movie. And I mean that quite literal. Besides for the beginning, with Mari an her friend drinking and enjoying themselves, every minute of this movie is bleak and mercilessly realistic. Me like.




There's also a constant comical element contained within the movie in the form of the incompetent policemen.

Things start to turn weir when the brutes, who killed Phyllis as well as Mari, show up at the house of Mari's parents. They behave a little bit suspiciously. Junior, the youngest member of the gang and a heroin addict, has nightmares in his withdrawal symptoms about letting the gang shoot Phyllis and kill Mari. Whilst throwing up, Mari's mother hears him, comes to help him to his bed... and notices that the gift her husband gave to Mari looks the same as the chain that Junior/Willow is wearing around his neck. Suspicious, she opens one of the bags of the gang... and finds the bloodied clothes of her daughter. A plan begins to form.




One hell of a bloody plan.


All in all, a pretty enjoyable movie with a satisfying plot, satisfying violence, realistic behaviour, and it looks pretty good for 1972.


7.85/10 things that aren't too little, just afraid *grins*

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

The second part of Friday the 13th leaves us with Alice (Adrienne King), the Final Girl from the first Friday the 13th movie suffering from nightmares about what happened at Camp Crystal Lake. If you've read my review of the first movie, or are in any way, form or shape familiar with the film (and you should be!), you might remember (or not, depends) that the kills in Friday the 13th were being committed by Mrs. Voorhees, as played by Betsy Palmer. Alice, the lucky one, survived by going all medieval on Mrs. Voorhees' head.

Now, Alice is not just suffering from nightmares - no, she is a classical PTSD-story. She needs to put her life back together, apparently, and that means that she more or less hides away in her home. Feeling sorry for herself.



What particularly haunts her is the memory of the little boy who pulled her under the water those two months ago...

Jason v.01

...and of course Mrs. Voorhees also makes for convincing nightmares. No insult intended to Betsy Palmer, but man, she's one creepy lady. Or maybe it's just me being used to her being Jason's mother, who knows. Early childhood imprinting tends to leave mental scars.

However... All is not well in ...uhm... wherever Alice's house is standing. Her rest is interrupted by the screeching, ringing sound of a telephone. An actual ringing, not like those mobile phones these days which play fancy ringtones (guilty as charged - I have the Gutter Demons as my standard ringtone...). The first time, it's her mother, bothering her the way only mothers can. The second time... silence?

No, it'sa kitteh!

Fetching food for kitteh reveals the severed head of Mrs. Voorhees in the fridge, as well as... well. Jason.

Kitteh watching mommy die...

...and what really makes this first kill in the movie for me is how considerate Jason is: He puts the kettle down. No need to cause a catastrophe involving boiling water, right? For those of you who keep track, this is actually the first kill of our beloved Jason, as, don't you dare to forget it, his homicidal mother collected all of the kills from the first part.

5 years later...

Cut to the beautiful Crystal Lake, where two young people are greeted by - you guessed it - Crazy Ralph (and his trusted sidekick, his bike)!

"You are all doomed!"

Turns out that, this time, there is a training centre set up for camp counselors, so that they may learn how to be... uhm... camp counselors? For being a counselor is not just some job for a baby, or just a summer job. For someone who is irresponsible.

Say hello to our victims. Take your pick!

These young people are going to learn the basics - survival, first aid, boating, archery... you get the picture. Also, they are meant to make merry, goof around, drink, do drugs (it's the early 80s and I am biased, because if I was at such a place, I'd totally smoke something for atmosphere... but then again, I totally do NOT condone the use of illegal but pleasurable herbs used for relaxation, chilling out and relieving pain), kiss, have sex... in short: Getting doomed. We all know the rules of slashers, and those camp counselors are easy prey for Jason.



Funnily enough, our first victim isn't one of those easy, tight-panted kids, but...



...yes. You are looking at Crazy Ralph, coolest character in a Jason flick ever. Death by garrotte / barbed wire. I am not sure if I can forgive the young Voorhees boy for that. After all, it's the death of the most nifteh character in the history of Friday the 13th. He brought me happiful*.



I will, however, admit that I find the sequence with the little dog-like creature terribly funny. "Muffin"... what a particularly stupid name for a dog. Well, not that that thing qualifies as a dog, really. I apologise to all lovers of small, unnecessarily furry dog-like creatures who look as if they had been bred by an insane scientist who got the concepts of "dog" and "sewer rat" mixed up in a horrible, horrible way.



And who, of course, die (or do they?!). In a way that they're too mangled to tell whether they're a dog or not. Note that I'm still siding with Jason. But I want to genuinely apologise to those people who are horrified by the above picture. Remember: It's just a movie, and none of what happens in there is real.

Anyways... on with the plot (yes, it IS hard to believe, but there is an actual plot beyond "all the kids get killed"...):

Now, five years after what happened at Camp Crystal Lake, the local arm of the law enforcement wants to make sure that things stay calm and good in his area - and on his way to do so, he finds two of the counselors (who found the animal-remains pictured above on their way to Camp Crystal Lake, to sneak a view at the horrible haunted place - Camp Blood... [There, I said it. Fine now?]) trespassing. He returns them to the training centre, but on his way back to town, he sees a person dashing into the woods. Being a clever policeman, he follows the figure...

And voilá, Jason's villa.

The man has to enter, of course. It's part of the dynamics of slasher movies, and especially the Friday the 13th series is fond of that. So... what may happen, pray tell?

It's Hammer Time!

...ehm... I mean... pardon the pun.

If your guess was "one hammer to the back of the head", you can pride yourself on knowing the Friday the 13th franchise very well. If your guess was "death", then you can still take solace in the fact that you were right, even though you were lacking the fine details.

Back at the training camp, the counselors-in-training get told that they can spend a night out in town, and only those who will be our victims stay behind. Now that the night has come and the number of potential victims has lessened to a practical amount, the killings can really begin.

We start out with exhibit A, Terri, a young lady who decides to go skinny dipping in the middle of Crystal Lake. For an extended amount of time. Her clothes are being stolen by exhibit B, Scott, an annoying but oh so charming guy - who sort of gets stuck upside down in a trap when he tries to run away from the enraged Terri. She promises to get him down... and so she leaves for her cabin.

Neither situation nor separation work out well for exhibit B:

One machete to the throat.

Exhibit A, on the other hand, returns with a ridiculous-looking pocket knife to retrieve her colleague... only to be killed by Jason. Offscreen. Presumably with a machete as well. But damn you, Jason, for not showing us! ...or should I make that "Damn you, Steve Miner!"? Presumably so.

Back at the camp, we cut to exhibits C and D - the horny couple, their names being too unimportant for me to notice or even remember. They go upstairs, to do... you know. The big nasty. Meanwhile, exhibits E and F (a girl named Vicky and the guy in the wheelchair, Mark) are to be offed - Vicky walks outside during the storm that has come, and Mark eagerly awaits her coming (they kissed before leaving for their respective cabins).



But alas, Mark is not greeted by his Vicky... instead, Jason - possibly as befuddled as we, the viewers, are as to the fact what a guy in a wheelchair is doing in the woods - gets creative and sticks his machete into the head of the guy before throwing him down a flight of stairs. That's what I call irony - and truly, Jason has a black sense of humour.

What follows is death by editing (though presumably it should be death by spear) of the lovebirds, exhibits C and D. Impaled by a spear whilst cuddling happily after sex.

Vicky (exhibit F) finally enters Mark's (wheelchair-guy-with-machete-sticking-in-face) flat - only to find out the horrifying truth: The lovebirds are dead, but... but...

...what's this?

It's pillowcase-Jason v.02.0!

...and he kills her by editing. Again. With a knife to the stomach, but just because my logic centre works well enough in these instances doesn't mean I let it count as a proper onscreen death.

With the kids being out of the way, Paul (the equivalent to Stephe Christy from the first movie and played by John Furey) and his assistant and love interest Ginny (Amy Steel) return to the trainee-camp - just to discover the gruesome deaths of the young adults in their care. As well as the death of Crazy Ralph - true to his habit of locking himself in cupboards to be the doomsayer we love and adore, Jason locked his corpse in a cupboard. I guess he was going for maximum ironic effect there.

Paul is apparently suffering death by spear through the hands of Jason, who in turn gets attacked by a desperate Ginny who thinks he's dead (Jason) when she attacks him with a chainsaw and he falls down, face (pillow?) down, apparently without any life left in him. Screaming, she runs into the woods, where she finds Jason's cabin... and his lovely altar to his dear mother, Mrs. Voorhees (accompanied by a few other dead people).



Playing the hand of using his psychological vulnerability towards his mother, Ginny sneaks into the deceased woman's sweatshirt and convinces him that she's Mrs. Voorhees... which doesn't turn out too well when Jason sees the actual head of his mother still on the altar. With Paul storming into the shed (surprise! He wasn't dead! Only wounded!) the young Voorhees fashioned for himself, they all struggle... to death. Jason is left for dead, and the two lovers leave, shocked and traumatised by what has happened.

Fazed and shocked, they return to their own cabin - and oh, once again stress is is intruding into their lives as they hear... something... at the door. But oh no, it's not Jason - it's Muffin! The little dog! The music softens, becomes a beautiful crescendo of love and happiness...





The soundtrack by Manfredini is, as was the soundtrack of the first movie, eerily evocative and really added to the movie itself. I like the first sequel better than the original movie, mostly because I adore the altar, it's more fast-paced than its prequel, and yay for Jason! However, the death by editing really got on my nerves...


8/10 machetes, spears, throats, axes, icepicks and editings.



* Remember...

Friday the 13th (1980)

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my own feeble attempt to bring the Friday the 13th franchise right into your living room... or rather, onto your screen, wherever that may reside. In my case, that's the living room, so I naturally assume that this is where your main machine (in case you have more than one and are as obsessed with PCs than I am) is. Why did I get this idea? Well... my evening didn't go as planned (Hint: Do NOT mix Zyprexa with Psychopax. It will make you sleep like a corpse. A dead one.), and so I thought I might as well do something productive. Sitting through all the Friday the 13th movies I own seemed like a good idea. At that point, anyways.

Friday the 13th - who hasn't heard of the movie yet? Created in the glorious year of 1980 (that is... ehm... a few years before I was born, actually - but hey, it's my job to glorify the past*, so I can safely say that!) by Sean S. Cunningham, the man who is also responsible for Last House on the Left (a classic if there ever was one, and with me being the proud owner of the DVD, a review should be coming up at some point in the near future... promise!), the House movies as well as, you guessed it, Friday the 13th.

Sean S. Cunningham - we love you. Without you, the slasher subgenre of horror wouldn't be what it is (was) today. Why do I use the past tense in parentheses? Well, you know... back in the days, everything was better. Especially when it comes to slasher flicks. But I digress.

There really isn't much to say about the plot - some young adults are at Camp Crystal Lake, and there, they get killed off one by one. Point. Just in case you weren't familiar with the... eh... plot (for lack of a better term).

But because this would be one awfully short review with just me summing up the plot, let's do this another way: Say hello to the medium of screenshots!**



This is Camp Crystal Lake - one of the most beautiful areas around the world that you can imagine if you want to see a scenic lake, beautiful woodland areas, some decorative mountains, decrepit huts and young adults/teenagers being slaughtered. Note that the year is 1958 - and indeed, something tragic is about to happen...



Two of the camp councelors are leaving the evening full of merriment, making music, singing songs about Jesus together etc. - why, you may ask? Well... you'll see.



But one thing is for sure: I, personally, wouldn't trust this full moon. It has that lovely tint of blood to it, which always makes me suspicious when I'm playing a role in a slasher movie. Not that I ever played a role in a slasher movie... but you catch my drift.

Alas, back to the nameless couple (I am sure they actually have a name, but my attention span tonight is a bit too short to care about the names of vict.... errrr, couples. Couples.). What might they be up to, pray tell?



Of course. Of-fucking-course. As soon as the children are out of the way, those hormone-ridden young people have nothing better to do than to sneak into a shed and start kissing more or less passionately.



Of course, it doesn't just suffice for them to stand around whilst sticking their tongues down each other's throats. No, they have to get a blanket - apparently, sheds come fully equipped with love-blankets... you know, in case someone decides to sneak out into the shed in order to make sweet, sweet love... on the ground. With the blanket. No, not making love with the blanket.... making love on the ground with the blanket as a safe place to, you know, do the nasty on. After all, blankets are sanitary.

But nothing stays as sweet as it is, and so our happy, nameless couple meets a grisly demise...



One knife to the stomach, and something which I can only assume to be another knife to... somewhere (possibly the throat?) - I can't tell you how the girl dies, because after we get to see a close-up of her screaming face, the movie fades to a blinding white (thank you, Friday the 13th, for forcing me to watch this with my sunglasses on... *sighs*)... followed by:

THIS.

Hallelû-jah***, as someone of a more religious persuasion than myself could be tempted to say.

And now, the movie finally starts (in "Present Day"... aka 1980). I have to admit that, when I watched it the first time, Friday the 13th already had me hooked at the first kill (poor guy from nameless couple, as pictured two screens above, also known as "knife-to-stomach-guy"). And now, years later, it's still the same. I just like the movie. So, for all the purists of 80s slasher flicks out there: You may hate me for my intense dislike of John Carpenter's Halloween****, but at least accept that I am still a big fan of Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street. Thank you.



This is Crazy Ralph***** (Walt Gorney - born in this very city I am residing in - Vienna! See, we produce the best actors over here... Kudos to Gorney. I'm a big fan... so R.I.P., man...). I just love the guy more than words can convey. What better life than to warn others about the Death Curse of a place where children are supposed to enjoy themselves?! In a decidedly creepy way at that. Gods, Crazy Ralph truly is my favourite character in the whole frigging movie.



Did I mention that Crazy Ralph also locks himself in cupboards at Camp Crystal Lake, just to nonchalantly step out of them in order to deliver his message of doom that none shall live who are in this cursed place? Man. What a nifty character. If I ever get old and wrinkly, I want to do that sort of thing as well.



One of the girls that is supposed to work at Camp Crystal Lake (sorry, I can't bring myself to call it Camp Blood... it always has been Camp Crystal Lake in my mind, and shall always remain that) hitches a ride with a friendly lorry-driver. At this point, I want to draw your attention to the screenshot above.

Notice anything?

No?

What about his hands tenderly pressing her ass whilst "helping her into his vehicle"?

I don't know if that was okay in 1980, but man, it creeps me out every time I see it. Sweaty, fat hands... ewwwww. Maybe it's that double-X-chromosome of mine, but damn, the thought makes me squirm in disgust.



The young lady in question is brought to a crossroad, where she can exit right in front of the beautiful and scenic cemetery in order to walk down to Camp Crystal Lake. Call me paranoid, but the cemetery does definitely not bode well... verily.

Once again, our young lady in question tries to hitch a ride... which works. The only problem is that... oh, well. She has to jump out of the driving car, and after a truly enjoyable hunt through the woods (I particularly enjoy the camerawork employed in this scene), my paranoid feeling of stuff not boding well for aforementioned young lady gets paid off:



Told you. I wouldn't have gotten into that car. So that's one slit throat more in our inofficial killing list. I'll possibly do a ranking later on... but that's just an idea which I might not necessarily follow through with.



However, you have to admit that Camp Crystal Lake is very scenic when the night falls down...

As night has fallen, the councelors of the beautiful and scenic camp are trying to spend their time in a variety of ways.



Two of them opted for doing the nasty together in some sort of shed. At least I call it a shed, the fine differences between different kinds of wooden huts out in the middle of some freaky (but scenic!) wood next to a scenic lake are really lost on me... and that although I grew up in an even more scenic, woodland-infested area next to a scenic lake. Then again, I might just have drowned out any memories on the fine details of... sheds.



Our two lovebirds are completely oblivious to one of their buddies sleeping a very final sleep on the top bunk of the bed in which they're... you know. Doing it. Getting all hot and steamy, and so on.



Meanwhile, back at the place of social gathering and fun here at Crystal Lake, the remaining three young adults are drinking beer (le GASP!), smoking (I can't express the level of terror I am feeling at the mere thought... *rolls herself a cigarette*... yes, that was sarcasm. No, not the cigarette-rolling. The stuff before that... oh well, forget it...) and playing - you won't believe it - STRIP MONOPOLY! Now if that isn't deviant behaviour, I don't know what is...

Back at the place where the two lovebirds are doing the nasty, something goes horribly, horribly wrong...

One arrow through throat...

...and in the outhouse where the girl in question went to make herself a bit more presentable after the steamy action, we get one death by axe to the forehead.

Now for something completely different: Meanwhile, at the...




Steve Christy (Peter Brouwer), the man who actually owns and runs Camp Crystal Lake (way to go with a career choice, Steve), is having a cup of coffee.



I am only including the screenshot of this terrible, terrible creature here because it reminds me of the aliens from Killer Klowns From Outer Space (a cult classic - look out for the new Bloodsucking Zombies from Outer Space stuff, there's a nifty song of the same name on it). Just FYI... and just because I went like "HOLY SHIT, IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS FROM KILLER KLOWNS!" when I watched it tonight.

Meanwhile, the fun carries on to be had at Camp Crystal Lake, Killer Klowns from Outer Space or not (I apologise for that, but seriously... look at the screenshot above. If you are in any way familiar with the movie I am referring to, you'll see how uncanny the similarity is).



One other thing that we learn from Friday the 13th is that, no matter how bold your fashion statement - for those of you who are slightly colour blind: The guy pictured above wears a bold combination of green, red and white stripes and caros on his shirt... *shudders* -, you're still not save.



In fact, you might want to reconsider your choice of shirt in the future... if you had a future, that is. That shirt resp. its owner make for another death by arrow(s).

Our Final Girl (you know it - there's ALWAYS a Final Girl, and we could pick her out right from the beginning) has figured out that something nasty and terrible is happening - which leads to her chickening out.... errrr, I mean, panicking in an understandable way.



However, I don't know about you, but... if you were locking yourself in a small wooden shed which has windows, would you spend minutes of your time by using one (1) rope, one (1) tree trunk, one (1) box and three (3) chairs to do nothing but amateurishly barricade the door? I don't know about you, but that seemed a tad stupid to me. Especially since she left the windows completely unprotected. But... *shrugs*... whatever floats your boat in situations of life and death, I guess. Or...

What the kitteh sez.

Well, we get to see two more dead people: One is the female that I can't really sort... oh, wait. She's the one that was stupid enough to walk out into a storm in nothing but her nightgown (ah yes... back in the days when decent young women still wore nightgowns after playing a heavy party of strip monopoly... I so understand this... not). What happened to her, you might ask?



That. I am not entirely sure if she's still alive or not, because her head moves a few times and I am pretty sure I saw her breathing, but that might just be the actress in question and not the intended effect by the producer.



We also get to see Steve Christy again... you know, the guy who was having a cup of coffee at the diner I was graciously showing you above. Only that I like him much better when he's dead.

As for the climax... well. It's not Jason, as you might have been led to believe if you've never watched the movie, but instead his mother, the delightfully deranged Mrs. Voorhees as played by Betsy Palmer. Mrs. Palmer... you'll always be Jason's mum to me and a lot of other people. And we thank you for it, you creepy lady.

The end...






...or is it?!



7.75/10 arrows being used to kill someone after sex from below the bed. Man, Mrs. Voorhees is one scary lady... remember to check your beds, kids!



* Ancient history student. At a real university. Which means I can kick your ass when it comes to the Ancient Near East... or the Neolithic.

** I apologise for the annoying "Paused"-icon in the upper right corner of most of the screens. I recently switched my OS back to Ubuntu 7.10 (less issues than 8.04, and trust me, I know what I'm talking about) due to various reasons (like me working on a 64bit machine), and I have yet to figure out how to get rid of that stupid icon. So... yeah. Sorry.

*** "Let us praise Jah" - and "Jah" is short for "Jahwe". I hope that any Jewish readers I might have are not insulted. I just try to enlighten and teach... mainly because it pisses me off to no end when people make stupid jokes about this sentence. Hello Höllus - yes, I mean you (not that he'd ever read that).

**** Carpentry by John Carpenter. Annoying use of soundtrack by John Carpenter.... AAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHH! >< ***** /me giggles