Fear Itself (TV) - "New Year's Day" (2008)

1st of January, 04:26 - you wake up, dizzy from a night of partying - and something is wrong. The apocalypse, maybe? What is it with those planes and helicopters? And the blood? Who or what are the infected? Infected with what?

What we have here is a straight zombie flick. I can't believe how simply structured that thing is. You don't need to know about the internal structure of certain horror - subgenres, either - the movie lives from being painfully obvious. The character structures - obvious. The plot - obvious. The deaths - obvious.

And this is something Darren Bousman did? Why?

Whoever wrote the script is either a total genius who wanted to create a parody of all things horror clichés are, or a total retard, unaware of the effects clichés in large doses can have on the seasoned horror veteran. I prefer to think - nay, hope! - that he is a genius, who sat there laughing maniacally all the time whilst writing this crap - a "I AM GOING TO MAKE BOUSMAN DIRECT THIS, HEHEHEHEHEHEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHIHIHIHHEHEHEHEHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" - kind of moment. Possibly followed by a properly evil "MWUAHAHAHAHAAA".

I don't even know where to begin when it comes to the clichés of Fear Itself's "New Year's Day".

A group of friends is separated.
Relationship troubles.
Zombie outbreak.
Chemicals, created by Black Science.
Love.
Drama.
The Undead.
Wild party.
Holing up in old places.
Barricading doors.
Disappointments.
More zombies.
News broadcasts.
Un-barricading doors which previously had to be barricaded.
Frantic shots and editing (well... Bousman).
...
The problem with this movie is that it looks all around great. It looks like Saw - which means that it looks wickedly cool. But it just isn't Saw, or any of its sequels. Speaking of the Saw franchise - maybe there's a key as to why Bousman agreed to do this. Saw doesn't need a fresh, nifty story anymore (is someone else getting bored by the yearly Saw outbreak?), although it certainly wouldn't do any harm for something else now. Maybe Bousman just forgot how to recognise a good script?

Oh, and there's a Twist. A really unexpected one. Yes. *nods* It will... uhm... totally take you by surprise. Definitely. Because it is The Twist.


4/10 spasming girls on the ground.

Fear Itself (TV) - "Eater" (2008)

Call me paranoid... but please compare:

When a serial killer is put in police cells for the night, the duty team discovers he is a shape-shifter - someone who takes the form of any human he feeds on. Before long, the cops have to figure out which of them is a wolf in police uniform.

vs.

When a serial killer is put in special police cells for the night, officer Bannermann discovers that he (the killer) is a shape-shifter - someone who takes the form of any human whose heart he feeds on. Before long, the cops have to figure out which of them is a voodoo-wielding wolf in police uniform.

Familiar, mh?

Whilst watching this episode of "Fear Itself", I was faced with that constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I had already seen this a few years ago. Turns out I'm more or less right: 2002, the 4th episode of "Urban Gothic"'s second season named Eater aired. It wasn't a particularly endearing episode - then again, "Urban Gothic" didn't suffer from too many highlights anyways. So, in that episode, the killer is locked up in a police station and can take on the form of anyone who he fed off.

In THIS episode (let's call it "Eater 2.0"), the killer is locked up in a police station and can take on the form of anyone whose heart he ate. Oh, and there is voodoo.

The difference between Eater and Eater 2.0 aren't that many (honestly, what did you expect?). One of them: Eater 2.0 was directed by Stuart Gordon. That is indeed something, as I'm a big fan of the man. Other than that... the Eater is much cooler in Gordon's version.


Other than that, this episode is a decent entry to the "Fear Itself"-series. Good use of light, the camerawork isn't bad at all, and stereotypical characters. The story is open and makes no attempt to lure us into some sort of trap - right from the beginning we know what is going on, figure out what happened and watch events unfold that are no surprise to us, because they are so predictable.

This movie plays out solid and predictably.

Sometimes, that's not too bad a thing, but you have to admit that it's not exactly a hallmark of brilliance either. What surprises me a little bit is that it is a predictable movie directed by Stuart Gordon!

I don't know why this one here and the 2002 "Urban Gothic"-episode are so similar that we can easily think of one single script used for two different TV episodes. I'd be curious to know more - whether it's just pure chance or not. I mean, come on... Eater. Eater 2.0. Seriously, the similarities are so gargantuan that you couldn't miss them even if you were blind. *shakes head*


Neutral 5/10 bloody sinews that look like red chewing gum.

Fear Itself (TV) - "In Sickness and in Health" (2008)

Aaaaand yet another "Fear Itself" episode on this very blog of mine, just for your enjoyment and definitely not because I just wanted to watch something short enough whilst devouring my deer steak. Yes. Deer steak.
Delicious stuff, trust me. Cut in even more delicious and appealing 4 cm slabs of fresh, raw meat, acquainted with the frying pan for 20 seconds each side, voilá - deer steak á la cyn. Not recommended if you're vegetarian, vegan or not fond of pretty much raw meat. Alternatively, I could be rude and say that only pussies like their steak well done and shy away from my version of the ultimate meat, but that would indeed be rude of me. And you all know that I'm not a rude person, I just sometimes give the impression of being a tad rude. But I'm not. Hence me not stating the above, and acknowledging that people can like different things than I do and still qualify as people. I would go as far as to state that I even might be found sharing a beer or two with people who like their steak a bit more dead than I like mine. See, that's how considerate I am.

Pointless babbling aside...

In Sickness and in Health takes a very simple premise and runs with it: What if, on the day of your wedding, you receive a note.

This note.

Directed by John Landis (An American Werewolf in London, Showtime's Deer Woman and Family, as well as Jacko's "Thriller" video), this episode of "Fear Itself" shows what the guy can do. One thing that immediately literally jumps into your eye is how he uses the statues of saints, Jesus, the virgin Mary etc. to an eerie effect. And I mean "eerie" when I say it. Not just statues - murals, paintings, windows, statues... I never noticed how creepy those things look, given the right circumstances. Landis definitely manages to come up with circumstancial shots that make those things the perfect prop for a horror story.

Back to the story of In Sickness and In Health.

The joys of marriage...

Suspicions run wild, everyone is sort of acting in a weird way. What do the two bride's maids know? Is there a reason for the decidedly strange way they're acting in? What is the problem with the husband's best man? Is he in onto something? Why does the uncle of the husband (Carlos - the husband, not the uncle; the uncle is called Bob) seem to be afraid of his nephew? Why are Bob and his twin brother smiling in that weird way? What happened at the wedding of Carlos' parents?

And: What's the problem with the husband and the wife?

One problem with this episode of "Fear Itself" is that... well, some things are hard to believe. For example, the idea that a bride to be has a motivation that consists of "A totally random stranger gave a friend of mine a note about my future husband that said that he is a serial killer and I am totally scared now!!!" just doesn't really work with me. Maybe that's just me being me, but... sorry, nope, doesn't work like that.

However, that problem is resolved in the end. I won't tell you what happens, because, you know, I don't want to spoil too much, but... twist! Yes, tremble in fear as another twist lodges itself in the realm of horror. No, seriously, it's not that bad. A bit... well, it's a twist. There are good twists, bad twists, and twists that just exist without actually being either a good or a bad twists. They just are. The twist in In Sickness and In Health is one of those. However, the good thing about this twist is that you see some of the dialogues and effects in a totally new light after it (I should know, I am watching this thing for the second time as of the very writing of this very review, as in, I'm typing and watch the stuff).

The acting in general is very good - both the two main actors and the supporting cast (although the story is carried by the protagonists and their interaction, to be frank). Something that I also liked about this episode was that it all takes place over the course of one evening, in one location. Simple. I don't want to have to think about layers of meaning and all that stuff whilst eating a steak. Pacing and light are also effective, so nothing to complain in this department. Sure, this episode is not that great - you won't find me singing its praises on the intarwebs or to strangers and/or friends at parties, but still. Solid, nice little thing.

Although I could have done without the twist, honestly. But alas... *sighs*


A neutral 5/10. I can't get enthusiastic over this one, as much as I try.

Fear Itself (TV) - "Skin and Bones" (2008)

Let me start this review by saying that the world needs more movies about "obscure" monsters of myth, legend and lore. Seriously: There are hundreds of vampire movies, hundreds of zombie flicks. There is a scary amount of movies about clowns (apparently, those red-nosed things strike a nerve in a lot of people), aliens from outer space of differing varieties and flavours, flicks about golems (read: Frankenstein), giant monsters (aka "men in rubber suits"), not to mention the countless movies about ghosts... but what about the REALLY COOL thingies that go bump in the night?

Most of you probably know that I adore the movie Cannibal Flesh Riot! with an unhealthy obsession. I would sacrifice my first-born for this movie, if I ever had one. There need to be more movies about ghouls. Because, you know, ghouls are wickedly awesome. However, realising that not everyone might feel about ghouls the same way I do, I am perfectly content with the second most wickedly cool and awesome monster of myth, legend and lore ever: The Wendigo (spellings of the term vary, choose your own favourite version).

Before I turn my attention to the movie in question (Skin and Bones), let me elaborate a bit about why I think this movie is awesome.

The wendigo myth is one of the more captivating myths about nasty critters that exist (I am purely expressing my own opinion, of course). There are lots of local variations, but the basics of the myth remains/remained the same all through the different stories of the Algonquin-tribes:

The wendigo is a cannibalistic entity that embodies greed, excess and gluttony. Humans can turn into wendigos by either committing an act of cannibalism or by being possessed by the wendigo spirit (the Spirit of the Lonely Places).

There is much more to it than just that, though, but it would sort of make this review explode with trivia and stories none of you want to read in a review of a TV show's episode, so I just say that wendigowak are awesome beyond words (only ghouls top them) and that you should feel free to peruse the internet in order to find out more about this intriguing myth and concept.
Warning: A certain level of intelligence is required in order to appreciate the myth in its entirety. You have been warned - so if you have difficulty spelling IQ, don't bother. Not that I think any of my few but precious readers fall under that category.

That said - on to the flick itself.

The scenery is absolutely adorable. Maybe it's because the area where I grew up looks more or less exactly the same (the mountains, the sky, the colours... ah, nostalgia creeps in...), but it's very beautiful.
The colours are rich and beautiful, the pictures executed nearly perfectly. I especially like that the camera doesn't hesitate to show us extremely pretty, beautiful sights in the same frame as genuinely creepy and unsettling imagery. Thumbs up, Larry Fessenden. I thoroughly enjoyed what you did there.

Also, the script is good, no matter how often I have to read from other people who appreciate a good horror movie that it was like "Ravenous Lite".
Seriously, folks: There aren't that many ways to write up a wendigo-story and still stay close to the source material. Ravenous (one of my all-time favourites EVAR) managed to do it. Skin and Bones also manages to do it, and admirably so.
So unless you complain about "pretty much every vampire movie is a rip off of [insert personal "THE FIRST, ULTIMATE VAMPIRE MOVIE" here]" - which I seriously doubt anyone does, even purism can't go that far... I hope... O_o - or can't watch any zombie flick because, hey, it rips off Romero (it has ZOMBIES! ZOMG! RIP OFF!!!)... just don't.
Whilst I agree that the setting and the scenery of Skin and Bones may remind viewers of Ravenous, it's a movie in itself and doesn't need to "rip off" the movie that I managed not to review yet but managed a few times in this paragraph now (Ecce! To what lengths she goes in order to avoid typing Ravenous yet again... oh, damn... ><). I personally appreciate that Drew McWeeny and Scott Swan took the myth of the wendigo and didn't twist it into something it isn't. Then again, they already showed that they can write captivating scripts in Showtime's "Masters of Horror" episodes Pro-Life and Cigarette Burns, both of which I enjoyed. In my personal opinion, they managed to top those two episodes with Skin and Bones.

The story in itself is very basic. You gotta enjoy movies that work without adding unnecessary ballast to the plot: The father of a family (one (1) mother, two (2) sons, one (1) brother of the father, which would make him the boys' uncle, technically speaking) got lost in the mountainous woods whilst with a hunting party... and remained lost for ten days. Now he's back... and changed. He's the party's only survivor, and he's hungry...

Really, guys and gals, ladies and gentlemen, ghouls and ghosts - you HAVE to watch this. Its main bonus, besides for being a thoroughly enjoyable flick about the wendigo-myth, is...

Doug Jones.

You might remember him as the Pale Man in Guillermo del Toro's beautiful Pan's Labyrinth. Pale Man? Guy with his eyes in his hands? Creeeeeeepy? Yepp, that one.

And I have to say... Jones really carries the movie on his shoulders. His performance alone is enough to watch this episode of "Fear Itself". Seriously, I could do with much more of him on the screen (and, consequently, much less of any other character). It is pure joy to watch him. His movements are perfectly executed, his voice... oh my Gods, the voice...

...let me put it this way: You can literally feel the anger and rage and hunger and loneliness in the voice of the Spirit of Lonely Places. Well, at least I could. Maybe I'm just more sympathetic towards wendigowak than the rest of the world is, though.

Jones is creepy. That pretty much sums it up. Creepy... gorgeously creepy.

I think I have to watch it again now.

10/10 eerily moving portrayals of someone who lost his humanity to hunger... consuming, all-devouring hunger...

Fear Itself (TV) - "The Sacrifice" (2008)

I am amazed. I am, frankly, amazed.

Some of you might know that I am a huge fan of Showtime's "Masters of Horror" - but only of the first season. The second one was largely disappointing, but oh well.

So, I was curious to see what "Fear Itself" would be like - the successor of "Masters of Horror". And as I didn't want to take a nap, didn't want to read Poe's "The Fall of the House of Usher" (yes, I am a heretic, I think Poe is boring), I decided to have a look at the first episode - "The Sacrifice". And man... awesome. 40 minutes later, I am still enthusiastic.

The plot... well. Four guys have bad luck with their car (one could say that they get stranded in a very remote area), one of them being really sick and coughing up blood. We all know that people coughing up blood are never a good sign.
Aforementioned four guys then try to find shelter at a big, ancient-looking, positively creepy ford, whose main feature is the overabundance of graves there. And I swear, it is creepy. Not in J-Horror "creepy", but it has a certain atmosphere that makes you uncomfortable. It's too empty. Too dark. Too... well, creepy.

This short doesn't bother us with too much character development: The roles of the four guys are pretty set, but they still don't come across as stereotypical. I enjoyed that I could finally watch a movie again in which I don't have to hear the agonising details of the characters' lives in agonising detail (Narok aka Hell comes to mind...) before some action starts.

And the action starts fast, although I wouldn't exactly call it "action"... this short is wonderfully suspenseful. It's rare that I go completely wrong in my assessment of what is going to happen in a horror flick, and I was taken completely by surprise several times. Kudos to the script writer (Mick Garris)... and the director, Breck Eisner. Heck, kudos to all those involved in this episode. I liked it. A lot.

So, the apparently empty fort is home to three pretty young blondes, wearing quite old-fashioned garments. And I mean OLD-FASHIONED (though still not changing that they look really pretty, at least in my humble opinion). They also have no car, no phone, no electricity and no running water. Something tells us that... well, SOMETHING is wrong.

At this point I want to point out the camera work. It is delightful. Maybe it's my constant fare of B-Movies of the bad kind, but I thoroughly enjoyed the pictures and the camera in this episode. Light, colours, shadows... everything fits. The pictures are just... I wouldn't go as far as saying they're perfect, but they sure as hell are better than those of most other movies I've seen recently.

Back to the three old-fashioned, pretty sisters. One of them agrees to help the poor guy who is coughing up blood. She does it in a very unique way. Can I say that I think it is awesome beyond words to see lips stitched close? I have a slight obsession with needles combined with human flesh anyways, so that made me really happy.

Well, this episode isn't called "The Sacrifice" for nothing, but I won't give the details away. Just let me put it this way: There is one very special way of seducing and trapping a man with female wiles. I lol'd.

I truly recommend this episode. It was full of unexpected twists, actually was suspenseful like fuck, and a real joy to watch. I enjoyed it a lot.

Also, the monster is really cool. I won't give any details away, but... man, it's been AGES since I watched a movie in which the monster in question is not "kewl" and "hawt". I loved it.

Granted, the ending was a bit clichéd, but still. A very good episode. I hope that "Fear Itself" will keep up this standard.

7.5/10 chained reverends who do not want to be freed.