The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Thanks go to CB for recommending this one quite some time ago; I had seen it advertised when it came out, but wasn't too impressed and didn't read any reviews, dismissing it from the get-go. After insinuations that I might enjoy it a lot, I recently gave it a go due to having finished my thesis and all that and finally having time for some relaxed watching of horror under the influence. And lo and behold, I have a new favourite movie.

Let's start with the obvious basics: Directed by Drew Goddard and written by him and Joss Whedon (aka He-Who-Gave-Us-Cowboys-in-Outer-Space), The Cabin in the Woods is a well-paced, awesome, intriguing horror movie with a meta-spin to it that makes it all the more enjoyable. Spoilers galore, so if you haven't seen the movie yet, I heartily recommend you get yourself a copy and watch it right now. You can come back after you're done; if you want to particularly enjoy it, watch it at least twice. I've been enjoying it about a dozen times now, and it still brings me joy; whether this demonstrates the quality of the movie or attests to my obsessive-compulsive movie-watching-behaviour or both is another matter entirely.

The Cabin in the Woods serves us three narratives, which are intertwined with one another, yet can be seen as three single narrative discourses - stories, if you want. Like a tapestry, the movie as a whole consists of these three stories that weave a complex narrative that puts a spin on the typical horror movie story of the 'cabin in the woods' aka 'wood with college kids' variety.

The basic storyline that we get to recognise is exactly that one; a group of young adults goes on vacation in a remote cabin in the woods (you already see that the title has not been chosen for no particular reason!). There simply is no way to describe the setting of this basic, in a way central story, as anything else. So the young people settle in (at THE CABIN IN THE WOODS *dun-dunn-DUN*) and begin to party, and we get treated to the classical stereotypes of the Jock, the Whore, the Final Girl, the Brainy Guy and the Stoner. These stereotypes are gleefully and flawlessly executed, yet partly subverted within the story's world and context(s): The Jock actually is a sociology major, and his 'alpha-male bullshit' is completely mystifying to the Stoner, who continuously observes strange incoherencies within the operative world of the storyline being played out with these young people, and as for Final Girl... I refer to the movie. 

This storyline is being framed by the second narrative, which is about some sort of official (but non-military) facility, where some kind of yearly competition is being held between such facilities all over the world. It isn't entirely clear from the beginning on what kind of competition this is, but it apparently involves messing with people in completely controlled environments. From conversations between the scientists and workers at the facility, for example, we learn that the dye which the ...sexually (more) promiscuous female used to dye her hair blonde had chemicals in it which, being absorbed through the skin, would enter the bloodstream and cause 'lower cognition'. Brilliant. The use of stereotypes within the first narrative frame is actually explained in this second narrative frame - not in an obvious way most of the time, hence my recommendation to re-watch this movie.

Now, pretty much everyone will go 'HUH?' as soon as the second narrative frame appears as a framing device for the first narrative: What on earth are these science-y types doing? And WHY?

...enter third narrative. We only get treated to this in a few instances, but damn. Or possibly 'BUT DAMMN!', to better express my enthusiasm. The third narrative frame is the 'big one', so to speak - it offers explanations for the other two narrative frames. What makes it so special, so awesomely awesome? Easy: ANCIENT GODS. If you're a Lovecraft fan(atic) like myself, the appeal of this should be instantly obvious. In my opinion, any movie that includes humanity-annihilating ancient gods that need to be placated by gruesome sacrifices automatically wins. Even if terribly executed. In The Cabin in the Woods, it is wonderfully executed; the terrible revelation of the end of mankind is being delivered in a truly human scene of ...people being people. It's hilarious and (in-)sane and cool. I might be gushing a bit because, by the darkness and its haunted midnight graves, I absolutely adore this movie, but nonetheless, it's worth watching. Even if you don't share my particular brand of movie obsession.

One really important point is that it's funny - not in the 'Dumb and Dumber'-way, but in the awesome, cheesy horror flick way. It is enjoyable on a similar level as, say, the Evil Dead series. Do not think that it is a campy movie, though - it revels in its humour (which is pretty dark, according to some acquaintances), but it also revels in its horror.

Let's speak of the horror aspect, mh?

Try to remember the last time you thought 'holy shit, that's a scary thought' when watching a horror movie. I don't know about you, oh wonderful readers, but it's been a while for me. Inside (á l'Intérieur) comes to mind, Martyrs. The Living and The Dead. Movies with a decidedly psychological horror-element. Some Cronenberg movies make me uncomfortable (hence my appreciation of the body horror genre). Sometimes a well-crafted horror story can evoke such feelings, or RPG supplements (yes, I am a terrible, neurotic geek for reading roleplaying supplements and rulebooks in my free time [or would that be a nerd]? Last weekend, I re-read my old Kult material. It was awesome). Or newspaper clippings. Or songs. But the average horror movie? Heh. No. **

So, horror in The Cabin in the Woods.

The first narrative frame (the youthful friends on vacation in the eponymous cabin) doesn't hold any horror; in fact, it has quite a humorous mood, which is always a bonus when watching non-psychological horror flicks. I like my violence to be interspersed with humour. That's what made movies like Braindead (Dead Alive for the people among you hailing from the US of A) or Army of Darkness so fucking awesome back when I was a half-human*. That's also what made Shaun of the Dead so awesome. Actually, the first narrative about the beautiful young people can easily be compared to SotD in some regards (don't hate me!). Both movies are full of inside jokes and references to other things from the world of horror - with Shaun of the Dead, it's movies, whereas The Cabin in the Woods generously references books, movies, stories, myths... there are so many shout-outs to the world of horror in general that it's nigh impossible to list even a fraction of them.

Playing SPTR ('SPot The Reference(!)') with this movie as part of a drinking game can prove to be disastrous to people who watch far too many horror movies. I can personally vouch for this. Playing SPTR with The Cabin in the Woods can and will result in the Alien Mother of All Hangovers. Maybe it's me getting old, but ...damn. Don't do it. The last part of the movie - in which the three narrative frames are combined into one; well done, people who came up with this and who I am too lazy to look up right now! Za vas! - is stuffed full with various references. Particularly obvious even to non-horror freaks will be the Hellraiser-esque demon (?), referenced in the credits as Fornicus, Lord of Bondage and Pain, played by one Gregory Zach. Fans of horror will find this movie to be a pleasure just for the possibilities of decoding the shout-outs - and indeed, The Cabin in the Woods gains something from (over-)exposure to other horror movies.

Horror, though. The second narrative frame (with the scientists and their complete control over the surroundings of the characters from narrative frame #1) is steeped in what, for me, makes this a horror movie, not just a funny referencing game in movie form. The ever increasing levels of control and observation installed in our present-day societies leaves a bitter taste when coupled with the (ironic) question of how much these things control our lives, exemplified bluntly (but effectively!) with the whole premise of the movie. Your phone provider is able to track your every move, even if you never use the whole GPS thing; obsessive former lovers can track you with a little bit of tech knowledge, and governments are collecting data tracks of their citizens, just to make sure no one steps out of line. Welcome to dystopia. The Cabin in the Woods takes these all too common fears and translates them into a specific cultural jargon, mocking it. Mocking us, in a way. How would you feel if you were trapped in situations that were controlled from the outside by someone else, manipulating you like a puppet while you think that you are acting out of free will...?

Anyways. Awesome movie. Whoa.

11/10 central themes of sacrifice and slaughter that connect and bind all of mankind under one monstrously divine threat

* ... A child or teenager. 

** ... Maybe there is some kind of desensitivisation in play here? I am not entirely sure. I don't really watch horror movies because they, dunno, horrify me, or make me feel as if fingers of ice started playing a macabre song of suspense and fear with the nerves radiating from my spine like ghostly puppet masters. I watch horror movies because ...I don't really know, actually. I'll think about it. But it's not for the horror, because there rarely is any kind of horror... When a movie comes along that manages to capture my interest and my fantasy, that manages to let me sink into the premise and feel as if I were part of that world with feelings of suspense, I am pretty much sold on it forever.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010)

Sheesh. A person turns their back onto modern horror in order to descend into madness for a career in stuff no one's interested in besides for the occasional madman or creep, only to return and see that they fucking missed a lot of cool stuff in the two years they were busy. Jeez. Give a body some rest.

Then again, I distinctly remember seeing the DVDs in a friend's preferred video store, thinking something along the lines of "this is so not going to be funny". And now, roughly 2 years later, I can come here and say 'dude, I was wrong. SO WRONG', because this, ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and ghouls, zombeasts and vamplings, is frelling hilarious. And I mean HILARIOUS.

So... let's start with WEST VIRGINIAAAAAAAA!!! Not just the home of my favourite band Blitzkid - who are going to finally split up after this tour, and damn, I shall have to run amok if I cannot manage to get to their final gig in Köln on Halloween - but also the trusty location where all horror movie nerds from around the world* know to find the evil woods that house, well, hillbillies. Murderous hillbillies. Madness, murder, slaughter, violence, death! Not necessarily in this order, though.

So yeah, the second we move into West Virginia, we know we're in for... well. A ride. I would totally offer you screenshots of the West Virginia woods scene in Tucker & Dale vs Evil and drag up my old West Virginia woods screen from Wrong Turn now, but alas, this laptop is not able to do that.

Our two heroes are Tucker and Dale. Tucker (Alan Tudyk) is one of the nifteh guys from Firefly in case you think you remember that face; in this movie, the eponymous Tucker is one of two 'hillbillies' on their way to their vacation in their dilapidated cabin in the woods; he is a simple yet philosophically skilled man who understands the truths of the world as it presents itself to us (and, according to Dale, also quite the man with the ladies, which I feel compelled to believe him). Dale - played by Tyler Labine - is the sweet-natured, slightly bigger guy. To be honest, I felt eerily reminded of Cannibal Flesh Riot! and the comedic trope of the tall, thin, clever guy teamed up with the beer-belly, bigger, less clever guy; the slight Cannibal Flesh Riot! - feeling probably comes from the fact that both movies subvert the trope successfully.

Tucker & Dale vs Evil is something that will probably be funny to most people, but only hilariously funny to those of us who have watched a few too many horror flicks. Every single stereotype is there, magnificently enhanced by the movie's joy to take the genre-specifics that all make us groan and just run with them; there's no need to pretend that the victims are not picked out for our viewing pleasure, that what happens is actually happening due to circumstances and not because it's what happens in horror flicks, that people get hilariously killed in extremely funny ways not because this is a horror flick but because this is, you know, serious business.

Generally speaking, this movie did everything right.

I particularly want to praise how writer** and director Eli Craig made it really easy for the viewer to see the two sides of the story - the hapless Dale and the a-bit-less-hapless Tucker (reminding at least me not just a little of his Firefly-character Wash) with all the weird stuff that happens around them, seriously confused by what they experience: perfectly contrasted with the young college people (I freely assume they are being young college people as actors of that age and dressed like that in such movies are always college people) and their preconceptions about what kind of people Tucker and Dale might possibly be.

As someone who is fascinated with the differences that make up each of our realities due to inferring that the world is the way we see it, I find this movie to be simply AWESOME - funny and awesome. It is hilarious, but at the same time, I could easily make a comparison between our college youths and Nazi Germany - but alas, I will refrain from doing that***.

The faithful horror fan will enjoy the scenes presented in Tucker & Dale vs Evil so much more than a non-horror viewer - although I have to admit I do not think too many people without at least a slight penchant for horror would watch it. Then again, I have no idea what normal people who are not into horror actually watch...

Old horror movie key-scenes and tropes have been used in such a fucking ingenious way that I feel it would be unfair to rob you of them by talking about them. Let's just say that the scenes are nearly flawless.

Oh, and I want to state that the free use of beer is awesome in this movie. Beer is an important part of civilisation, and these two proud men know it. Tucker and Dale are on the case!

Seriously though: Serious message (do not assume that people are what you think they are just because of their looks and your preconceived notions of stereotypes), hilarious flick. Along with the fun, the brain-stuff, the subtle social undertones we also get some really heart-warming scenes about friendship and acceptance (and cute romance). As I said, in my opinion, this has pretty much everything and has been done very, very, very very well. :D

The acting is pretty solid throughout - our two male leads and the female lead (Katrina Bowden as Allison) are obvious in this regard, but the college kids are also... more believable than their non-funny-horror-flick-with-hillbillies-counterparts on which they have been modelled. Then again, overacting such a part is way easier than trying to act believably - I mean come on. Would you be able to act in a believable way if you were to be cannon fodder for a woods-slasher-movie? I know I probably wouldn't.

The dialogue, too, is one of the most hilarious things ever, especially if you're watching this with the horror stereotypes we all know and love in mind. To be honest: Writing a review for this is a bit weird for me because I am giggling most of the time if not laughing out loud due to the hilarity of it all.

Hence:

Highly recommended to everyone!

9.5 / 10 creepy college kids hurling themselves to their premature death ("...Grab a leg!")

* Including females with hardly any idea about the geography of the world today who are nonetheless still able to split hairs about how much distance can be calculated to be lying between two ancient sites that have been ancient and dead for more than 4,000 years, obviously.

** Together with Morgan Jurgenson.

*** Take the superstitions the college kids have towards our friendly heroes and how that enrages them to act further and further, drowning down the spiral of pointless violence, under the aegis of a leader, and simply compare mentally with how the Germans and Austrians had these weird superstitions towards the Jewish people and how that enraged them to act further and further, drowning down the spiral of pointless violence under the aegis of a Führer... damn, I did it! ><

Splinter (2008)

A young couple, Seth Belzer and Polly Watt (played by Paulo Constanzo and Jill Wagner respectively) are celebrating their anniversary by going on a camping trip - to have cuddly sex underneath the stars. However, things don't turn out as they were supposed to - they get car-jacked by ex-convict Dennis Farell (a great performance from Shea Wigham) and his reluctant girlfriend Lacey (played by Rachel Kerbs) aka "Firecracker", who is on withdrawal from her drug addiction.

Whilst driving on, they manage to run over a small animal... which, interestingly, manages to kill one of the car's tyres. The dead creature has splinters growing out of its body, which explains why it devastated the car that much. Dennis, whilst helping to change the broken tyre, gets stabbed by one of the splinters, which are stuck in the object. He dismisses it, and the four people carry on driving. Which would be fine... if it wasn't for the broken radiator of the car (courtesy of small splintery animal on the road). When they arrive at a gas station, which is abandoned, the real terror starts.

Man. I don't know what to say. Oh, no, wait. I do know what to say.

I've read numerous reviews about why Alien was such a great and suspenseful movie. As I am a child of the eighties and never really got around watching Alien before I knew how the creatures looked like, I never was afraid of the movie (when I finally watched it, that is). And I think that Splinter has the potential to be something akin to Alien when it comes to the terror and jump-scares the monster/creature can inspire in the hapless audience watching this film.

Seriously... I wasn't expecting much. First of all, monster/creature flicks aren't exactly what I'd term my favourite sub-genre of horror. More often than not, they are completely disappointing and ridiculous (I apologise to all the fans of monster horror flicks out there... we just have to agree on disagreeing with each other). But Splinter... wow. I was literally on the edge of my seat for most of the movie's playing time.

The acting is not bad - although there are some instances of the characters not exactly behaving realistically (mostly in the first 20 minutes of the film), the acting and interacting between the characters was fluent, believable and realistic. The only point I'd have to criticise in regards to the acting would be the character of drug-addicted Lacey (Rachel Kerbs) - she was just way over the top to be taken seriously as a real character. Withdrawal or not, it was just... well. Overacting. But that problem solved itself nicely.

And the creature... oh my god. We never get to see it fully, but trust me when I tell you that it's one magnificent, garbled, distorted monstrosity. I mean... wow. The way its parts are moving... awesome. Just awesome. More than awesome, even.

A solid movie with a good script, good acting, an awesome antagonist (or should I make that plural?) and a really good idea when it comes to creating terror in the audience. I was hooked from the very first minute on. Everything just... fits. Perfectly so.

It's a rare movie that can keep me entirely focused and at times creeped out. Splinter managed to do all of that, and more. Recommended - definitely recommended!



9/10 freakishly rearranging limbs, hungry for blood.

Masters of Horror Season 01 - "Incident On and Off a Mountain Road" (2005)

A young woman is driving through the night - her eyes are focused straight ahead, lost in thought, melancholic indie music is playing. She looks down at the radio in order to change the station...

...and crashes into another car.

I believe anything can happen to anyone - at any time.

Flashback - to happier times.

The young woman wakes up from her memories, dragged out of them by regaining her consciousness. Getting out of her car, she realises that the car she crashed into is empty, its doors opened - and blood is everywhere.



Someone tried to escape, obviously. Helplessly, she yells for the person who must have been in that car. And her phone doesn't work anymore either.



But it's not just the victim of the ...car accident who hears her.

You've always got to expect the unexpected... and do the unexpected.

Flashback - to happier times.



But were they really happy?

Our young woman is being hunted - hunted in a game of life and death. By ...something.




Or someone, maybe? And her past has all and nothing to do with it...

When everything else fails you... try everything.

A seriously engaging hunt. The lighting is atmospheric, the camerawork truly good for something that A) ran on TV, B) gets distributed in my video stores for more than double the money than a regular horror DVD. The whole hunt, the whole thing with the flashbacks, the whole thing with the captured guy... impressive. I could love this episode of Masters of Horror if it wasn't for the end.




Pornographic at times. At least for someone like me.




8/10 moments in which you would just love to have those damned torture tools...

Jaws (1975)

A group of hippies is hanging out on the beach, gathered around a bonfire, having a good time. Two of them run off to go swimming in the ocean - actually, a girl runs off to do so, and a guy tries to follow her. But man, is he stoned, and he decides to lie down on the beach during this lovely nightfall. The sun is nearly down, and he falls asleep, whilst the young lady is swimming in the fresh, wonderful water.

Silence...

...but something deadly is coming, closing in from under the water.

And the silence is broken by screams.

Jaws starts out promising. Shame on me, for I have never watched the movie in my whole life. But it already fills me with a sense of nostalgia for those good old times - back then when there were still hippies, when smoking was okay in a movie and didn't automatically make you the main-villain, when people could have a drink. Good old times - with that wonderful 70s hair-do.

No, that's not what I meant by "70s hair-do".

The new Chief (from New York), Martin Brody (played by Roy Scheider) suspects a shark attack after the mangled body of the girl I mentioned above are found and wants to close the beach; but this idea is met with resistance from the town's mayor, Larry Vaughn (Murray Hamilton), as Amity Island is dependent on the summer tourist season - and reports of shark attacks would devastate this much needed income.




After a boy of about 8 is eaten by the shark, Vaughn is convinced, and the beach is closed.

The mourning parents.

The dead child's mother places a bounty on the beast, which suddenly makes shark-hunting a very popular pastime for a lot of brave, courageous men - from all over the States. One of them is Quint (Robert Shaw) - a hardened and seasoned veteran of shark-hunting - with his boat, the Orca.




Meanwile, the marine biologist Matt Hooper arrives in Amity. After having a look at the remains of the victims, he is convinced that the shark responsible for the attacks is a Great White - and, judging from the bite marks, it's a GIANT.

It's a shark!

A big one, even!

...but it's not the shark that attacked and killed the victims - the bite marks are different.


After cutting open the shark that has been caught (and of course, everyone thinks that it's the shark responsible for the attacks, for Raptor Jesus knows that there is only one shark in the ocean), they find out that the animal's intestines hold fish and garbage, but no human remains.

Rummaging around in the gastro-intestinal tract.

A Great White (Carcharodon carcharias) is responsible for the kills - and still, Vaughn intends to open the beaches on July 4th, as he is sure that there is no problem whatsoever left - now that "the shark" has been caught and killed. This is a disaster waiting to happen... for there still lurks the perfect killing machine.

This is what a shark can do to you when he's test-biting you to see if you're tasty.

And this topic also makes for great dinner conversations!

Gods. I've always loved sharks. They are wonderful, fascinatingly beautiful animals. I stand in awe before them - they are evolutionary perfect. Praise the sharks. Underwater-creatures generally make me happy (although I admit to being partial to deep-sea monsters - they are pretty, awesome, nifty and just adorably cute, with those big eyes and big teeth... *wants to cuddle them all*), and sharks are something that makes me more happy than your average fish. They are just... perfect. I admit it, I stand in awe before the Selachimorpha, the most successful predators from the Ordovician on. *happy sigh*...

What a wonderful day to be out at sea...

Closing in...

After a prank goes terribly wrong, resulting in the death of one more person by shark (nearly killing Brody's oldest son in the process), the Chief of Police manages to convince the mayor to hire Quint, the professional shark-hunter - because something needs to be done. And so, Brody and the marine biologist with city hands (I'm talking about Hooper here) join the weathered hunter on his boat, the Orca - setting out to kill the man-eater*.

Dead meat.

There's no way around it: Jaws is a superb movie. Usually, I'm not that big a fan of animal flicks, as I've always felt them to be a cheap shot at humanity's fear of creatures it doesn't understand - but Jaws is different. Everything fits - the camerawork comes natural and easy, showing us exactly what we need to see in order for the movie to work.




Steven Spielberg just knows what he is doing, and it clearly shows that this movie is not some horror flick produced and directed by someone with good intentions (or should that be 'bad intentions', considering the usual themes present in horror?) but not the technical abilities to pull it off, but instead a horror movie that has been created by one of the best directors the US of A have produced - and this is definitely one of his best movies.




Another thing I noticed is the timelessness of the movie. Yes, it's from 1975, and usually I am not the biggest fan of 70s movies, either (granted, there are exceptions, but speaking of decades, the 70s just don't make it to my "favourite decades in the world of horror"-list - might just be that I watched the wrong movies as of yet, though... I definitely plan on extending my experience with that time-period!) - but Jaws just ...works. You don't become distracted by what is, for me, a period long gone (I mean sheesh, I wasn't even alive back then) - the plot and the suspense just draw you in.

And the shark... oh Gods. He is beautiful. We never really see him until we're close to the end of the movie, and this technique of only showing us glimpses of the magnificent beast works out really well (better than in Alien in my opinion - which reminds me that I finally need to write that review *sighs*) - and when we get to see it, it truly is majestic. Estimated to be 25 feet long (~ 8 m) and to weigh in at 3 tons... I think I have fallen in love.

The score by John Williams also adds a lot to the experience that is Jaws. It is perfect (and I usually don't easily call a movie soundtrack 'perfect', unless I am absolutely sure and can detect no single instance of it not contributing to the feeling, ood and effect of the movie in question), and combined with the superb acting by all of the actors involved just adds that certain something that marks a hallmark of a movie.




Speaking of the acting... our three leads are flawless. My personal favourite is Richard Dreyfuss in his role as marine biologist Matt Hooper - a rich, well thought-out character that we care for and understand (well, at least I understood the whole "scientists really love their work with something not just bordering on but surpassing obsession"-thing...).
Roy Scheider (as the main character Police Chief Martin Brody) also does a more than good job - his performance is not over the top, but instead has all the marks of a really good, experienced actor. He is nigh perfect in his role.

On a related note - it made me very happy to see that the actor who played the first eaten child, Alex Kintner, has been played by one Jeffrey Voorhees. Yes, I know - it's easy to make me happy.

I guess what really makes this movie what it is is the fact that Spielberg manages to keep a constant tension in the movie. The water becomes something threatening, something we cannot trust any longer - even bright, happy and inconspicuous scenes of people hanging out at the sunlit beach, swimming in the water gain an underlying sense of dread - for we never know when the shark is going to strike again, dragging down his next hapless meal... errr, I meant "the next poor victim".

The water isn't really that appealing anymore...

Subtle dread.

I fully approve of this movie - in fact, I consider it to be Spielberg's best as of now.




And if you're interested in learning more about sharks... Wikipedia is your friend:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shark
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_characteristics_of_sharks
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_great_white_shark


9/10 magnificent apex predators...




*I swear it - I didn't copy Wikipedia. I only noticed the eerie similarity after looking up the details on how much money this blockbuster made back in the days.

Cloverfield (2008)

Here I am, with a fresh start into the year 2009, and a fresh review to, erm, celebrate the new year on this later day. That's how much I love to celebrate.

I apologise for my lack of reviews in the past months; but problems with my health are keeping me from doing this more regularly (you may or may not believe it, but my movie-watching-quota has sunk drastically... *sighs*). I'll try to write more often this year...

Some Thing Has Found Us

Today's movie of choice is Cloverfield, as directed by Matt Reeves and written by Drew Goddard (who is also responsible for some episodes of Buffy, Angel, Alias and Lost, besides for being known as co-executive producer of aforementioned Lost) - and, ladies and gentlemen, ghouls and ghosts, I am pleasantly surprised.

Living on teh intarwebz, so to speak, I had of course read a lot of differing opinions on the long-awaited monster-movie of 2008, not all of them positive. When TF, who had eagerly awaited this movie since the marketing campaign had started way back, finally got his fingers onto the movie (I gave him my copy before watching it myself), was disappointed, my expectations were lowered even more. But alas - this movie is actually awesome.

Disclaimer: I'm under the influence of a soothing herbal mix.

Cloverfield starts out weird:

A group of friends (and acquaintances) is throwing an unexpected surprise farewell party for their mate Rob Hawkins, a young man living in Lower Manhatten, New York, because he's going to leave the city - and the country, even! - in order to work in Japan. This, of course, warrants alcohol and fun for everyone. One of those friends responsible for the surprise is Hub, who is more or less forced to record the testimonials of the people hanging out and chilling, so that Rob can watch the tape when he's far away from home.

That was the only part of the movie that I really could have done without and that bored me. But the hand-held camera is very realistic (something that, luckily, carries on throughout the whole movie, but more on that later) - I've had the misfortune to see such things a few times before, and it is very ...authentic. We get to know the people at the party, the gossip, the relationships between them - who is together with whom, who is sleeping with whom, who had an affair with whom and who might break up with whom... just a typical party with all the human drama that those things entail, after enough alcohol has flown and emotions started making complicated things even more complicated. Actually, I started to get curious... and suddenly, a big crash shakes the building, and outside, some parts of the city lose electricity.

Soon, the TV reports a possible earthquake in Lower Manhattan, with an oil tanker capsizing near the statue of liberty. The people decide to go there and see what is happening... and the camera follows.
Then - an explosion - panic. Sirens and alarms ring, people flee wildly through the streets - and no one knows what's happening. But in the background, there's a sound... like the roaring of a giant monster.
... and SOMETHING is moving. Something eery. Something big.

Gigantic, thunderous steps shake the buildings, the roaring fills the air with primeval, animalistic sounds. And all around, there are sirens, people screaming, police cars... and dazed survivors of the monster's wake. Manhattan is burning - a wasteland. Cars crashed, people crying, buildings shattered... and the severed head of the statue of liberty, like a blind reminder of what is being destroyed.

No one knows what happened and what it was that caused this destruction - but they figure that it would be best to get out of there...

Unlike Romero's Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield's camera doesn't exploit what is happening, doesn't want to bring some Truth - it just happens to be there, and records what is happening in a very subjective way. It's much less clean-cut and professional, but much more engaging for the viewer. It's like being in the middle of what happens, and it works for me. Then again, I'm stoned right now.

The monster is awesome. You can't really make it out, you only get glimpses of limbs, partial glimpses of body parts, and the sight is always partly covered, the cam shaking, and the frantic authenticity of the camera instills a sense of expectation and adrenaline rushing. Even a bit of terror at times.

Our group of survivors decide to walk through the tunnels of the subway line out of Manhattan - which is what I, personally, would consider to be a bad idea. Because, you know, it's dark in there...

Something that I found very good is that people in this movie actually get injured and attacked by critters and survive, without shrugging it off as if it were nothing (alternatively, dying...). The scenes in the makeshift sick bay are pretty good (though short), and the presence of the military and its stressed, aggressive but yet disciplined behaviour adds a good deal to the hectic feeling of the movie.

The style which is employed in Cloverfield leaves much to the imagination of the viewer. An individual with a certain sense of phantasy can fill in a lot during those scenes which leave the mind time to think, or to combine parts of a picture into a warped hole.

And I want to add yet again that the monster is awesome - full of win and awesome, in fact.


I heartily recommend watching this movie whilst being under the influence of your favourite herbal blend (perfectly legal, of course - I'd never condone the use of natural, healthy substances like the products of the cannabis-plant, because it's illegal and bad). Good stuff (both).


8/10 viciously cool limbs which move in a really cool way.

The Mist (2007)

The people of a small American town (my guess would be somewhere in Maine) have been beset by a storm. The following day, most of them are in the local mall to stock up on stuff... and that's when it happens.

The Mist...

Spot the Dark Tower reference and the The Thing reference!

There's one problem I have with movies based on Stephen King novels, and that problem are the characters. The characters in the books and stories themselves. Always. The only exception to that rule of thumb are the Gunslinger, his posse (before book 5, that is, and I have to admit to not being particularly partial to Susannah), Randal Flagg... and I guess that's it. When it comes to movies, there are only the Shining TV miniseries and the Salem's Lot TV remake. I can't stand any other King movie I've seen thus far... and even the two I just mentioned have characters that annoy the hell out of me. Mostly children. And... other characters. But as far as Stephen King movies goes, they still are the ones I can endure most.*



However... The Mist is actually, you know... good. I hesitated to watch this one, although it has been on my list for quite a while now. Why? Simply because it's based on a Stephen King story. Granted, I haven't read the story (which is astounding, because I used to live off King's stories between ages 10 and 14... bought every book, read every single one in the two libraries I had access to. Yes, I've changed quite a bit in the years since then...), but the mere mention of Stephen King in the context of a movie is something that instinctively makes me flinch and hide. Because, in my world, "Based on a story by STEPHEN KING" (and variations thereof) does not make a movie good. Usually, it's exactly the opposite.

This, ladies and gentlemen, ghouls and ghosts, is the proverbial exception to the rule of thumb.

We're 12 minutes into the movie, and already, stuff happens.

There is something in the mist...

The Mist doesn't suffer from any of the usual faults I habitually associate with Stephen King movies. It's not slow, it's not drawn out and boring, it's not an abomination unto the eyes of man resp. woman, it isn't on the mental and intellectual level of a retarded 10-year-old.

The acting is really good throughout the movie - even the unlikeable character(s) are portrayed in a way that you forget for the duration of the movie that these are actors, paid to act the way they do. The entire cast, even the people you don't really get to know or who get only a tiny amount of screentime, does its best. And in this rare case, this actually means that it is freakin' awesome. These figures appear as real as any of the people you meet at work... at school... or in the mall. Thumbs up for the cast, definitely.

Which brings me to another point of the movie which I fully appreciate:

Continuing on from my initial paragraph: The Mist (yesh, I'm witty!) has come, and the people are trapped within a store. This situation creates, of course, interesting social tension (as my beloved Dawn of the Dead remake has already brilliantly exemplified). Or should I say social tensionS (plural form)? People in shock, people panicking... religious nutters... And the small-mindedness of common people. I apologise for sounding as if I had a problem with common people in small towns, or their small-mindedness. Or rather, I don't (apologise, that is), because I actually do have a problem with it. But that's neither here nor there.

Sound is used to a devastating effect. It's rare that I am kept on the edge of my seat with goosebumps on my arms and my back whilst watching a movie. It's even more rare that I still feel the same way whilst watching a movie for the second time in a week. Usually, the few scares that actually, you know, scare me in a movie are a one-time-incident. Only a few movies manage to make me feel creeped out when I watch a movie more than once. The Mist is one of them. And that, my faithful readers, is something I appreciate.

Also, the camerawork is solid. It's not art, it's not particularly beautiful, but it's solid and shows us what we need to see and what we expect to see. Although some of the shots are really good. A rope leading into thick mist has never felt threatening before...



And whilst I still stand by my assessment that the shots are nothing that I'd consider to be art, they do create tension. They do create atmosphere. A dark, gritty and - pardon the pun - misty atmosphere. Which is what makes this movie something special. Clean, solid shots alternate with haze-filled ones that convey a bizarre feeling of surreal threat. I fully approve.

The CGI isn't bad either. If you run the movie in a very low FPS rate, you can start criticising, but that's not common movie watching behaviour, so I'm not going to be picky about it. After all, The Mist wasn't created for people trying to get a decent screen of something particularly nasty, but for watching and enjoying it.

And, in order to reiterate myself: The human element. Oh, the human element. A film that features constant portrayals of the fathomless depths that are the conditio humana is just something that the world has needed.

All the small lies, the small, stupid minds, the idiotic thoughts, the distrust, the suspicions, the fear of failure, the pathetic behaviour, the pathetic attempts to cover up one's own mistakes by blaming others for them or claiming to be innocent of any faults... truly, this is humanity. On the other hand, we also get grand, lofty ideas and ideals (yes, there is a difference), simple humans acting better than their peers, true courage and bravery.

And the worst from the depths of the human mind: Religious insanity. The worst kind of losing it there is and was throughout the history of humanity. Pretty much every scholar of history can tell you that organised book-religions, whilst they can bring out the best in a few people, also motivated some of the absolutely worst massacres and atrocities throughout history.

The Mist features a crazy religious nutjob. Fundamentalist crazy religious nutjob. The kind that wants to crush the nonbelievers and starts "holy wars" and sacrifices children to satisfy the bloodlust of their LORD, which is only their own dark side, their own destructiveness searching for a way out - a socially sanctified way. Because, you know - killing people and starting wars and killing children is bad in the eyes of society. As soon as you have some sort of higher entity to refer to, one that is socially acceptable, it all becomes... acceptable. Necessary, even.

Sorry for rambling a bit. I try not to let this review become an outlet for my feelings about Abrahamic religions. If you, dear reader, should believe in YHVH/God/Allah - do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. I accept religious beliefs. What I do have a problem with is blind fanaticism.

Okay, ranting mode off.

Back to the mist. And damn, it looks good. I've always loved mist. Mist makes me happy. It covers, it hides. It makes the world more beautiful.

I also want to add that there are tentacles. Tentacles make the cyn happy.

I officially LOVE this mist.

Mist that offers tentacles which eat people is now officially on my top list of cool things that need to happen more often. And I'm not just talking TENTACLES. I am talking AWESOME TENTACLES. Then again, people who know me know that I am particularly fond of anything which is vaguely reminiscent of tentacles. So... tentacles FTW!



And man... the end. Oh my Gods, the end... I loved it. You will love it, too, if you're anything like me. It also includes a Dead Can Dance - song, and as I love this band deeply, I truly appreciated it. Their song makes the end of The Mist all the more... intense. Trust me.


8.75/10 interdimensional, Lovecraftian creatures hiding away in the mist... feeding on humanity...




* Honorable mentions go to The Green Mile for being completely non-Stephen King-like and actually good. But that movie ALSO has characters that annoy the shit out of me.

Severance (2006)

I decided to add a new tag for the movies I watch (and sometimes, force myself to watch): "Europe". It is interesting to see and/or read what American movie fans think of European horror flicks and how they talk about the landscape etc. in their reviews - seeing as I am from Europe, I can't find anything particularly enchanting about our landscapes, and the oh-so mysterious countries full of wild, untamed nature and foreign people are pretty much my neighbours or where I grew up... so, naturally, I have a bit of a different take on movies set in Europe.

Apparently, this opinion of Europe as some sort of mysterious continent filled with cruel wonders is not just limited to USAnians - also the British appear to suffer from it (just consider the fact that they call people like me "Europeans", disregarding the small fact that their island is actually part of this mysterious Europe). As I noticed it for the first time tonight whilst watching Severance, I decided to give this tag a try. Maybe it will catch on - and maybe we can infer some interesting statistical data about the amount of horror movies set in Europe vs. those set in the US of A. Or maybe not, who knows.

Anyways... Severance. If I had been the person to choose a tagline, it wouldn't have been "Another bloody office outing." Nah, I would have come up with something far wittier and more interesting: "Escorts - they save lives. YOUR lives." Because it's true. It's also infinitely more cool and awesome, but alas, I have to live with the fact that my brilliance sometimes goes unnoticed.

On a sidenote: I turn off my phone whilst watching a movie. FYI. In case any of you were wondering.

Severance is not too original when it comes to the story. Seriously, I like the movie, but I can't bring myself to call its plot "original". I mean, consider the following:

A group of people get stranded in the woods and land in a more or less abandoned, old house and soon start to get killed off by, well, someone.

Hardly sounds like something the writer would win a Pulitzer for, mh?

However... the cast, the dialogues and the whole setup just make this boring premise into a highly entertaining and amusing movie. And I'm not easily amused by so-called horror comedies. Unless I am totally drunk or otherwise under the influence, or if a movie just serves me horror-inside jokes. Considering that I was dreadfully sober whilst watching Severance and couldn't detect any in-jokes that only hardened horror fanatics would ever manage to understand, I dare say that the movie does a good job on the humour front. Maybe it's that dry, totally black British humour thing. I admit it, I have a certain fondness for British humour (hence my tendency to suddenly quote Monty Python's during conversations, often to the chagrin of my less movie-addicted discussion partners - try referencing Life of Brian in theology classes at the catholic institute...).

What makes this movie funny? First of all, the dialogues. They're really good. Situational comedy, delivered in that dry and utterly bleak way... gods, I had to laugh out loud on several occasions. Unlike Planet Terror, in which the comedy is conscious and witty as well but nonetheless is constructed to be funny, Severance manages to deliver the comedy in a natural, fluent way. I once again stand by my assessment that only the British can do that.



[after they heard a bear roar]
Richard: "There are no bears in Hungary. Unless we've crossed the border into Romania, in which case there ARE bears. If we're in Serbia, then... I don't know."
Harris: "That's really interesting, Richard. Tell me something: are bears required to stop at borders? Is there some sort of, I don't know, passport control for bears?"



...I absolutely broke down with laughter when I saw the bear crossing in the background one or two scenes later. Apparently, bears can sneak through international borders (I'm from Austria, after our latest disaster involving a bear, I should know... gods, the bear-problem... cunningly used by our idiotic government to distract my even more idiotic fellow Austrians from the huge economical problem... other countries at least instigate pointless wars to make their disastrous economy appear insignificant, we just hunt one single fucking random bear and order bear-killing specialists from Finland... *facepalm*).

So... dialogues. It's really hard to reproduce them for your enjoyment, because a) I didn't feel like stopping the movie every time something made me laugh, and b) you wouldn't really get it without the pictures anyways. As I mentioned above - situational comedy. So, those of you who have no problem with a little violence in your black comedies (and I assume you don't, seeing that you are reading this very blog of mine) - go and get this movie via your preferred means. I can wholeheartedly recommend it.

Besides being a deeply black comedy, Severance also has some very macabre moments. Our stoner-protagonist (played by Danny Dyer) has to relieve himself in the woods, and we get treated to a shot of him pissing into the open mouth of a female corpse buried under dried leaves etc. Call me sick if you want, but I found it amusing - until it sunk in how macabre this actually is. No offense to those of you who get their rocks off by giving female corpses golden showers, of course. I still respect you.

I didn't manage to grab the actual piss. Sorry, guys.

Another thing that makes the plot enjoyable is that, although the premise is the classical basis for any slasher movie or cheap gorefest of the past years, the elements differ in certain important aspects:

First of all, our protagonists aren't a bunch of lousy teenagers or young adults who want to get drunk, doped up and engage in a little decadence and debauchery (the evil Ds of horror movies), and neither are they a happy family or group of bestest friends ever. They are just people who happen to work for the same company - Palisade Defense, a company that manifactures and distributes weapons. Surprisingly enough, that's actually important to the plot of the second and third act.

Speaking of the plot and the second and third act... we get a rather unexpected twist - one that I for once didn't see coming at all. I approve of unexpected twists, as long as they aren't fucking with my actual enjoyment of the movie in question and are completely unnecessary and/or uncalled for. This twist was neither of those things - it made for a very good surprise and packed the film's last act with action that we wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

One other thing that impressed me was the soundtrack. It totally fits, I like it, and it actually enhances the movie. It's not one of those soundtracks that I desperately have to hunt down so that I can enjoy it whilst sitting in the tram on my way to university (like the Re-Animator soundtrack, with which I am desperately in love - which reminds me, I should do a review of the Re-Animator movies...), but it's solid, well done and sounds good. Just what I want a soundtrack to be. There's never any moment where you'd just wish that the damned music should just freaking stop (I'm sorry to say it, but John Carpenter's Halloween is one of those cases for me...).

Also, the pictures and the whole composition of the movie has a special flair to it. It enhances the humour already inherent in the dialogues by a mile. It's hard to explain without taking a multitude of screenshots, and I'm really not in the mood to do that right now... all I can say is that you should just see for yourself. It's never over the top, and always stays within the realm of the realistic... but those little things just make Severance much more satisfying on an optical level.

The acting is also solid through and through. Everyone involved in this flick does a great job. Granted, I seem to watch a bunch of actually good movies for once, so when I say that I thoroughly enjoyed the acting, it doesn't seem to mean a lot to you guys, because I have yet to put a review of a truly abysmal movie up (what can I say, I was lucky in the last months... but never fear, I am now in possession of 38 Godzilla movies, so I'll soon have something to complain about... although... does Narok count?), but considering the movies I have watched before having had the idea of putting this blog up, I am still surprised when I get to see good acting in a horror movie. Even if it is more of a black comedy than a real horror movie.

Speaking of horror... gore: Sparingly used, but beautiful. I know, I know, those of you who know me personally (I guess that most of my readers consist of people who only read this because they know me... go figure) are aware of the fact that a simple kitchen knife on display in a store can make me gleefully happy, and that shots of people holding a hunting knife in a threatening way make me even more happy... but seriously. There's only a little gore, only a little blood... but I liked what I saw. Well done. Also, it mixes bizarre, macabre humour with the gory goodness, and I like that. Yes, I know, I like everything that involves gore and blood. Still. I have seen terrible gore, and Severance, whilst not something that satisfies the gorehound in me, manages to deliver nice stuff. Could have been more, but that's just me. I guess that more of the sanguinary stuff could actually have been detrimental to the movie as a whole. There, that's probably the first time that I ever said those words (or rather, wrote them down).

Something that needs to be mentioned is the camerawork, especially the use of perspective. I wouldn't call it perfect, but it's close to perfect. Just like the soundtrack and the whole setup does, it truly enhances the movie.

Now, after rattling about how good Severance is... why don't I give it the full score? Simple... or rather, not really as simple as I'd like to. The body count, whilst nice and high enough to make me happy, just isn't graphic enough for me. If you burn someone alive in your movie, do it onscreen. Alex Aja has shown how to do it properly. The gore could have been more visceral - I want to be able to literally smell the blood emanating from my screen. Whilst more gore could have been detrimental to the movie, I would have liked to see the one that actually was depicted in a more detailed way.
Also, some of the scenes were just a tad too unrealistic for me. Don't get me wrong, unrealistic scenes don't bother me in the least - I watch horror movies religiously, I am the last person to complain about unrealistic scenes. However, if your whole movie is very realistic and apparently made to be like that, then you might want to consider using unrealistic setups.
Sometimes, I wasn't entirely clear about the motivation of the characters as well. I won't give any spoilers, but you'll know what I mean when you see it.

And then there's death by editing. I do not like death by editing.

My biggest problem with the movie is that I don't understand the motivation of the killer(s). I just can't understand it. I am quite aware of the stuff that went on in Eastern Europe (hell, I live right next to that particular area of the world), and I can understand a lot of things that make people kill. I couldn't wrap my head around the so-called motivation (which is poorly explained anyways) we are given in Severance.



However - we get treated to nearly naked escorts and nurses. NAUGHTY nurses. Who prove that TF is right when stating that black-and-white-contrasts look really good on women.

Can we please have more of that?

And the title of the movie only makes sense at the end of it. It was delightful.

8/10 accidentally destroyed airplanes in the fight against terror