The Last House on the Left (1972)

To avoid fainting, keep repeating "It's only a movie...It's only a movie..."

It seems to be 70s time these days - Rabid was from 1977, Shock Waves from 1977 as well, and The Last House on the Left is from 1972.

The first things I noticed was the soundtrack. It's very ...70s like. Jazzy. Snazzy. You can just feel the summers of love, and can smell the weed (well, that might just be me) pervading the air. Girls are not wearing a bra, Daddy remarks upon his little girl's nipples, gives her a little gift (see below, maybe to enhance the nipples)... and one o those girls, namely one of our initial protagonist, is going to a concert to visit a gig by a band that dismembers live chickens on stage. Want to see them live.




She and another female friend of hers have no intention to go to that concert, though - they are sitting outside together, exploring the wild, drinking whisky, laughing, having fun. On their way in their car to... somewhere else... they hear of a group of escapees of violent rapists and murderers.




Cut to the violent rapists and murderers - a quite nice group of young men and one woman, whose habits include drinking, smoking, possibly listening to wild music and misbehaving.




The paths of our two parties cross when the two girls meet the youngest of the bunch, as they approach him for weed... and he takes them with him, to get some Columbian Gold. However, things don't go as they are planned.

I find this scene strangely erotic.

Meanwhile, we learn that tomorrow, one of the girls would have her birthday, and the parents are busy preparing the gifts and cake for Mari (their daughter).





Who is, in the meantime, watching helplessly as her friend gets raped.

Next day - Mari's birthday - we can see her being carried out of the flat in which she and her friend found themselves, thrown into the trunk of a car ("right on top of your friend!"), whilst the gang of misfits drives somewhere else - with their car breaking down in front of Mari's place. They take her out of the trunk, down into the dense woods. The police decides to not see the car (could cause problems, you know)... good old law enforcement. You can always rely on them.




It's suspenseful to watch the girls trying to escape from the group of violent fugitives - engaging. Something that this movie has in abundance and which new movies from the US lack is suspense. You never quite know what will happen next, the plot isn't so watered down that you could as well have none, and the plot we do have is simple, straightforward and believable. There's nothing fancy about this movie. And I mean that quite literal. Besides for the beginning, with Mari an her friend drinking and enjoying themselves, every minute of this movie is bleak and mercilessly realistic. Me like.




There's also a constant comical element contained within the movie in the form of the incompetent policemen.

Things start to turn weir when the brutes, who killed Phyllis as well as Mari, show up at the house of Mari's parents. They behave a little bit suspiciously. Junior, the youngest member of the gang and a heroin addict, has nightmares in his withdrawal symptoms about letting the gang shoot Phyllis and kill Mari. Whilst throwing up, Mari's mother hears him, comes to help him to his bed... and notices that the gift her husband gave to Mari looks the same as the chain that Junior/Willow is wearing around his neck. Suspicious, she opens one of the bags of the gang... and finds the bloodied clothes of her daughter. A plan begins to form.




One hell of a bloody plan.


All in all, a pretty enjoyable movie with a satisfying plot, satisfying violence, realistic behaviour, and it looks pretty good for 1972.


7.85/10 things that aren't too little, just afraid *grins*

Aftermath (1994)

A heart beating. A woman screaming. Blood.

Such ends the life of a young woman. A young woman we shall get to know well.

There's no dialogue - not just hardly any dialogue, as in Trouble Every Day, but literally no dialogue whatsoever. No single word is uttered throughout the whole movie. Blessed silence, leaving us to Sound and Sight... and Imagination.




Suffice it to say, this is not a movie for the faint of heart. If you like sick underground flicks like that, prepare for a mercilessly beautiful movie - achingly beautiful in its simplicity and exposé. If you don't like "sick" movies... I suggest you find something else to watch together with your bunch of friends on your birthday party.




Aftermath is a brilliant movie that deserves to be seen by a wider audience. Granted, today's audience is made up of kids who would screetch around... but still. I totally approve of this movie. One of my favourites.







11/10 pieces of cloth used for brain tissue.

Joshikyôei hanrangun aka Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead (2007)

Oh my freaking Gods. Nyarlathotep, Enkig, Nergal, Hastur, Azag-Thoth, Arioch... what the fuck is this movie about?




A young girl in a swimming pool. She seems to get pulled underwater at times,, although she's perfectly alone. Loses hair. Cut to Japanese schoolgirls in, well, Japanese schoolgirl uniforms. Cut to Japanese schoolgirls swimming. Cut to boob-shot. Cut to more Japanese schoolgirls in aforementioned school uniforms... and we're informed that a new virus is going around and that people are required to wash hands and gargle.



Weird scene with swim-team coach following.




If you like Japanese schoolgirls, you'll like this movie.

Aki, the new girl at school, finds herself variously under showers with other girls who happen to share the same birthmark as she does, being shunned as a creepy outsider, enjoying the air... and in the meantime, the pupils get shot up with a green vaccination*...




...and the teachers with a yellow one.




Then, Aki wakes up to this:



Sexual tension of course ensues. And all the time, the voice in the background (aka the subtitles) tell us that everyone should get their vaccination shots right now at the nurse's office. But still, the girls are coughing, feeling weak, stumbling occasionally...

And for some reason, it's important that Aki joins the swim team - at least to one girl (the girl she had a shower with, and who not only has the same birthmark, but also the same mole). Aki says she doesn't like the water...




Poor, sick people get the attention of worried, scantily-clad people. *sighs*

Enter the coolest maths lesson you ever had: Meet decaying zombie maths teacher.


Mahyem ensues. The school (all girls, I might want to add) erupts with zombies.

At this point in the movie, you have some vague idea of what is happening. There's a school for girls, with a swim team. Made of girls. There's a new girl, and everyone is wearing very short skirts. Suddenly, there is a virus, vaccinations, and zombies appear everywhere around school, normal people morphing into them. Some of them seem to be classical zombies, other seem to be more of the Versus-persuasion of zombies.




We find out that only the swim team (made up of Japanese schoolgirls) is unaffected by the virus/zombie-ism. They figure out, thanks to Aki, that there must be something in the water - or, as our heroine puts it, "the Secret is in the Pool".

But of course, there are difficulties on their way to... whatever it is they want to go.



For example, your zombified maths teacher who wants to kill you.

Then he suddenly wields a torch, and you, the viewer, are just sitting there, eyes wide open, mind blank. What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened?

You have about 3 seconds time to wonder before the movie cuts to another scene: Aki (our heroine), is in... some place, and the other girl (the one she had a shower with and who has the same birthmarks as she does) is caring for her. Talking about... stuff. Swimming. Sides. Training.

Aaaaaaand...

Character Background!

I like how frank this movie is with us. We don't need no characterisation of evil - "He was a mad scientist." Brilliant in its simplicity. I mean, what else do we need to know?

And man, we like our character background, aka "How Aki became a Water Assassin".

(involving kink-training)

...and her escape from the accursed life of a H2O Assassin because of reading up on serious mattters. Teenage girl magazines, in this case.




Turns out that shower-girl is willing to, eh. Look for yourself:




Also, you cannot not love the noises Japanese schoolgirls make whilst having sex. To quote teh_mally****: "The whimpering..."




So.... the plot at this point: Somewhere, people are turning into zombies, something is wrong with the water/the vaccinations, zombies, softcore lesbian sex, Japanese schoolgirls, Japanese schoolgirls, softcore lesbian sex, Japanese schoolgirls, tender moments... uhm... what is this movie about again?




Oh, yes. A chainsaw-wielding female super-zombie teacher. And zombie schoolgirls. Let me tell you one thing: I have rarely seen such ...idiotic zombie acting. And that says something. But still... if I haven't managed to say it yet:

This movie is full of win and awesome.

At some point, your brain just stops trying to make sense of what is happening onscreen. You just sit there watching girls taking showers, swimming, zombies, randomness, Japanese schoolgirls getting it on, random semi-erotic scenes, random semi-hilarious scenes... and sometimes, there are zombies. For a little while. Then there are encouragings speeches about fighting together as a girl swim team.

I think that screenshot says it all.

Anti-zombie-rally by the girl swim team. Appearance of mysterious coach. Former zombie-teacher appears. Still a zombie. Able to fake human emotions. Completely insane. Kill Bill with zombies and Japanese girls in swim-suits. With... swords. And staffs. And bricks. You're watching it, but somehow, it doesn't really register as a whole on your brain. It registers as... a bunch of weirdness. Again: What. The. Fuck. Is. Happening. On. My. Screen?!




...Followed by a twist that really actually isn't one, if you were somewhat sober when starting the movie (in the hope of it making any sense). Somewhat's not what he seems to be... and then, for some reason, there's a bomb. In the school. Exploding.

Aki, our heroine, barely escapes the mighty explosion, but alas! She is captured by her evil former master, who taught her how to become a H2O Assassin. He identifies her by, you guessed it, making her masturbate because of his flute-playing. Then she drops her schoolgirl-skirt... and...

...you start laughing and giggling hysterically and can't stop anymore. She defeats the guy, kicks him in the balls, he injects himself with zombie poison (green), becomes Super-Enemy(TM), and finds insane weaponry, nearly kills him, he injects himself with the yellow zombie poison (which makes him go all insane and rage-y), another Final Battle...

...followed by hawt lesbian incest kissing, as the two girls, Aki (our heroine) and Sayaka (the girl with the birthmark) celebrate that they're sisters. But then - alas! Betrayal! They're not twins at all - it was a fake! Just as Aki was the Master's slave, Sayaka was - and she adored the Master as a god. So, she, like kissed Aki after coating her lips with a nerve paralysis causing agent. called AK151.




Up until now, you have managed to suspend any disbelief - you just sit and watch. Dialogues like "Where should I start cutting? I'm pretty jealous of your cute, soft breasts..." (O_o)

Attempt at Final Battle - but then: Plot Twist! Unexpected one at that. Really unexpected. You could even call it another WTF?!-moment...

Really. It's just "WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. HAPPENING. ON. MY. SCREEN?!"... all the time.

And I can't even bring myself to try and understand the... Final Final Battle. It apparently involves a stick of power. Cosmic power, or something. And,,, oh my Gods, You just won't believe it. You shall also mentally chant the mantra of this movie**.

It's awesome. Pure fucking awesome.




9/10 WTF?!-moments...



*Look at it. Can you feel it?***

**"WHAT.THE.FUCK."

***Black Science

**** ...dude.

Vampire Diary (2007)

Lead Us Into Temptation

...and deliver us from the goths.

You see the characters and you hate them. That makes it hard for me to objectively review this movie adequately. But then again, every review of mine turns into me ranting subjectively on something, so there we go.

Meet the gang! Yippiiee!

Vampire Diary starts out in a special subset of the goth-scene: The vampire lifestyle scene, in this special case that of London. For some reason I cannot fathom, these people call themselves "weekend vampires" - a bunch of young adults who like to "play vampire" in their free time. They dress up as vampires, put fake fangs in their mouth (I guess that makes it hard to talk without a slight lisp, as can be heard throughout the movie, which is quite amusing) and dance to loud music and frantic, epilepsy-inducing lights when they are not cutting each other's arms in something they call "the exchange" in order to suck on the small cuts.

Within this freaky scene we find Holly, a quite normal young filmmaker who decided to shoot a documentary about this group of young people, associating with them and filming all the while.

Plothole: The "documentary" focuses around a core of 4 or 5 people (+/- some) - I can't for the life of me imagine that they'd just let themselves be filmed all the time and somehow taking it for granted. Especially not given the wider circle of friends and acquaintances and the entire subculture itself.
And especially not given the set of circumstances - I don't exactly know if cutting other people for blood at parties is the most legal or even sane thing to do. Is there a group of people like that in London? Scary thought. I find it doubtful that such a scene would accept to be filmed just like that all the time by someone who isn't a trusted friend. Yet Holly somehow seems to exist in a vacuum - it is useful for the viewer, because her view of this scene of people is as distant as ours, but it makes a few aspects of the documentary-approach just not believable.

Preparations for "The Exchange"...

Her character is constructed as an outsider to the weekend vampires, partly as a plot device, partly for the viewer and style of the "documentary" - but there's no way people like that would let an outsider film all of their secret ...indulgences (no insults intended for any of my readers who happen to be of this persuasion. More power to you, really.).

Scary fact:
Somewhere, someone is masturbating to the thought of blonde vampire nurses in short uniforms.

This approach worked in Man Bites Dog, a French movie (correct me if I'm wrong, it has been years since I've seen it on a VHS) - but the approach of the filmmakers in that mockumentary was different, and the relationship(s) between the filmer and the filmed more closely cut defined. Plus, for Raptor Jesus' sake, they filmed a serial killer. Holly (Morven Macbeth) is filming a fringe group of goths who think vampires are really cool. Not a serial killer. It just doesn't really work out the way it should.

Anyways, on with the plot. Holly films the weekend vampires, and one day, a woman named Vicky appears in London's underground scene of those living the vampire lifestyle. She is beautiful, she is mysterious, and she captures the attention of Holly's camera quickly. Especially since Vicky is also holding a camera - filming her.

Vicky soon seduces the (straight) Holly, and the two women fall in love with one another - and in the vampire scene, people start to disappear. And Vicky never eats anything, and questions quickly pile up. It turns out that she is a "real vampire" - she has to drink blood in order to survive - human blood. As the relationship between the two women spirals down the rabbit hole because of Vicky being a vampire, it takes a turn for the worse when it turns out that the vampire vixen is pregnant after she had been raped by a male "real vampire". The fetus grows quickly, and Vicky grows ever more hungry and careless in acquiring victims. The situation grows (there we go, I really hoped not to use it a third time, but apparently I can't help it) ever more desperate as the weekend vampires begin to wonder about some things.

Plothole: It is highly unlikely that a "real vampire" would film all it does. Who in their right mind would want to capture on camera how one kills people and drinks their blood? For what purpose? The Saturday Night Romantic Movie Evening With Blankets? "Oh, look honey, that was when I killed that bum. Doesn't the blood look stunning on my face?"*

It's not so much a real horror film than a relationship drama that centers around the problems of the age-old adage how the love between a vampire and a human can unfold (as witnessed by the Twilight craze)... and where to get new victims.

The movie really isn't bad. If you take it as a "vampire-love-story"-kind of movie, it certainly works good. As a horror movie... not so much. However, the vampire lore is something a little more unusual here; as you might have gathered from me mentioning Vicky's pregnancy, "real vampires" can procreate - but only with others of their kind, which would make them another species entirely. "Real vampires are born with two sets of fangs and really really need to drink blood - and only human blood will do. I honestly don't remember whether they mention that "real vampires" are immortal or whether they age normally, or slower, or whatever, but it makes for some nicely played situations.

And the goths are so freaking annoying.

The camera is as could be expected from a fake documentary, but it sometimes offers really pretty shots. And the subtle use of very, very, very slow zoom can be applauded. I liked the zoom.

Another thing... once again, it's Rippy the Razor time;

We get some erotic scenes (as evidenced below), some vaguely gory scenes... they're more tools than anything else. The main character of the story is doubtlessly Vicky, with a great performance from ex-model Anna Walton. She puts in a very strong performance as the "real vampire", and frankly, without her, the movie would be crap. I haven't seen Hellboy II, and I can remember Mutant Chronicles only dimly (too boring), so I can't really comment on her overall acting skills in different roles, but she really carried the movie.

Yes, this is an accidentally shot view of a woman's body. No, no naughty parts.

Useless Trivia of the Day: The song you hear at 0:44:40 is "Lesbian Vampires from Outer Space" by the Scary Bitches.

You really have to accept and like that sort of movie. I was pleasantly surprised... if only more goths had been killed. On the other hand, the movie as a whole concept, taking aside Walton's performance for a moment, it's... not that great. *sighs*

I'm being generous. To encourage a bit more violence and less goths.
7/10 difficulties getting coagulated blood out from between the teeth.


*Yes. Yes it does.