Vampire Diary (2007)

Lead Us Into Temptation

...and deliver us from the goths.

You see the characters and you hate them. That makes it hard for me to objectively review this movie adequately. But then again, every review of mine turns into me ranting subjectively on something, so there we go.

Meet the gang! Yippiiee!

Vampire Diary starts out in a special subset of the goth-scene: The vampire lifestyle scene, in this special case that of London. For some reason I cannot fathom, these people call themselves "weekend vampires" - a bunch of young adults who like to "play vampire" in their free time. They dress up as vampires, put fake fangs in their mouth (I guess that makes it hard to talk without a slight lisp, as can be heard throughout the movie, which is quite amusing) and dance to loud music and frantic, epilepsy-inducing lights when they are not cutting each other's arms in something they call "the exchange" in order to suck on the small cuts.

Within this freaky scene we find Holly, a quite normal young filmmaker who decided to shoot a documentary about this group of young people, associating with them and filming all the while.

Plothole: The "documentary" focuses around a core of 4 or 5 people (+/- some) - I can't for the life of me imagine that they'd just let themselves be filmed all the time and somehow taking it for granted. Especially not given the wider circle of friends and acquaintances and the entire subculture itself.
And especially not given the set of circumstances - I don't exactly know if cutting other people for blood at parties is the most legal or even sane thing to do. Is there a group of people like that in London? Scary thought. I find it doubtful that such a scene would accept to be filmed just like that all the time by someone who isn't a trusted friend. Yet Holly somehow seems to exist in a vacuum - it is useful for the viewer, because her view of this scene of people is as distant as ours, but it makes a few aspects of the documentary-approach just not believable.

Preparations for "The Exchange"...

Her character is constructed as an outsider to the weekend vampires, partly as a plot device, partly for the viewer and style of the "documentary" - but there's no way people like that would let an outsider film all of their secret ...indulgences (no insults intended for any of my readers who happen to be of this persuasion. More power to you, really.).

Scary fact:
Somewhere, someone is masturbating to the thought of blonde vampire nurses in short uniforms.

This approach worked in Man Bites Dog, a French movie (correct me if I'm wrong, it has been years since I've seen it on a VHS) - but the approach of the filmmakers in that mockumentary was different, and the relationship(s) between the filmer and the filmed more closely cut defined. Plus, for Raptor Jesus' sake, they filmed a serial killer. Holly (Morven Macbeth) is filming a fringe group of goths who think vampires are really cool. Not a serial killer. It just doesn't really work out the way it should.

Anyways, on with the plot. Holly films the weekend vampires, and one day, a woman named Vicky appears in London's underground scene of those living the vampire lifestyle. She is beautiful, she is mysterious, and she captures the attention of Holly's camera quickly. Especially since Vicky is also holding a camera - filming her.

Vicky soon seduces the (straight) Holly, and the two women fall in love with one another - and in the vampire scene, people start to disappear. And Vicky never eats anything, and questions quickly pile up. It turns out that she is a "real vampire" - she has to drink blood in order to survive - human blood. As the relationship between the two women spirals down the rabbit hole because of Vicky being a vampire, it takes a turn for the worse when it turns out that the vampire vixen is pregnant after she had been raped by a male "real vampire". The fetus grows quickly, and Vicky grows ever more hungry and careless in acquiring victims. The situation grows (there we go, I really hoped not to use it a third time, but apparently I can't help it) ever more desperate as the weekend vampires begin to wonder about some things.

Plothole: It is highly unlikely that a "real vampire" would film all it does. Who in their right mind would want to capture on camera how one kills people and drinks their blood? For what purpose? The Saturday Night Romantic Movie Evening With Blankets? "Oh, look honey, that was when I killed that bum. Doesn't the blood look stunning on my face?"*

It's not so much a real horror film than a relationship drama that centers around the problems of the age-old adage how the love between a vampire and a human can unfold (as witnessed by the Twilight craze)... and where to get new victims.

The movie really isn't bad. If you take it as a "vampire-love-story"-kind of movie, it certainly works good. As a horror movie... not so much. However, the vampire lore is something a little more unusual here; as you might have gathered from me mentioning Vicky's pregnancy, "real vampires" can procreate - but only with others of their kind, which would make them another species entirely. "Real vampires are born with two sets of fangs and really really need to drink blood - and only human blood will do. I honestly don't remember whether they mention that "real vampires" are immortal or whether they age normally, or slower, or whatever, but it makes for some nicely played situations.

And the goths are so freaking annoying.

The camera is as could be expected from a fake documentary, but it sometimes offers really pretty shots. And the subtle use of very, very, very slow zoom can be applauded. I liked the zoom.

Another thing... once again, it's Rippy the Razor time;

We get some erotic scenes (as evidenced below), some vaguely gory scenes... they're more tools than anything else. The main character of the story is doubtlessly Vicky, with a great performance from ex-model Anna Walton. She puts in a very strong performance as the "real vampire", and frankly, without her, the movie would be crap. I haven't seen Hellboy II, and I can remember Mutant Chronicles only dimly (too boring), so I can't really comment on her overall acting skills in different roles, but she really carried the movie.

Yes, this is an accidentally shot view of a woman's body. No, no naughty parts.

Useless Trivia of the Day: The song you hear at 0:44:40 is "Lesbian Vampires from Outer Space" by the Scary Bitches.

You really have to accept and like that sort of movie. I was pleasantly surprised... if only more goths had been killed. On the other hand, the movie as a whole concept, taking aside Walton's performance for a moment, it's... not that great. *sighs*

I'm being generous. To encourage a bit more violence and less goths.
7/10 difficulties getting coagulated blood out from between the teeth.


*Yes. Yes it does.

Vampyres (1974)

They shared the pleasures of the flesh, and the horrors of the grave!

Two women are lying together in bed. Both wake up, and they kiss... when suddenly, the door to their bedroom opens: A man with a gun! He fires several shots at the scared lovers... and they fall onto the bed - dying - dead.




So starts Vampyres, a 1974 movie by José Ramón Larraz.

Then the titles start rolling.

Cut to present day: A couple is driving its car with a trailer through the woods, when they come across a female stopper. They ignore her, driving on - but a man is willing to take the (quite attractive, in that 70s way) woman in and drive her to her goal.




Back to the couple. They parked close to an abandoned castle, which somehow seems to worry the woman, Harriet (played by Sally Faulkner). She keeps thinking back to the woman they saw - and that other, blonde woman, who was hiding behind the trees... but only Harriet saw her. Maybe it was a hallucination? But we know better.




And the abandoned castle isn't as abandoned as they were led to believe - a single scream, coming from the lungs of a man, wakes Harriet from her sleep.
But no one's out there... or so she is assured by her husband, John (Brian Deacon).




The next morning, she sees two women - one of them the brown-haired woman who was hitchhiking, the other one the blonde woman who was hiding behind the trees. They were running off, hand in hand, to the nearby cemetery.




The day is spent with leisurely activities - painting, fishing... and images of the cemetery haunt us with their spectral beauty.




And again, we witness the dark-haired hitchhiker - Fran - getting a ride, with her mysterious blonde companion hiding behind the thin trees...

This time, the man lucky enough to pick up the sensuous, full-lipped Fran comes with her, accompanying her inside the "abandoned" castle - and of course, Harriet sees them. She has noticed... and in her mind, she already has constructed something dark and foreboding around the castle and its apparent inhabitants.




What we are being treated to here is a masterpiece of vampire cinema. I should know - although, as I already pointed out in my review of Låt den rätte komma in, I am not too big a fan of vampire movies, but the Gods be my witness that I own a lot of them. And I mean a lot a lot. However, I don't really enjoy most of them - if I have to watch a vampire flick, I prefer it to be one of the more "artsy" types... or, as in this case, a beautifully done, interesting movie. This is the type of lesbian vampire movie that I can thoroughly enjoy.




Back to the story... Fran and the as of yet anonymous man she invited into their home have some fun - of the carnal sort. What follows is a genuinely creepy scene - the as of yet anonymous gallant she invited finds her asleep next to him, her eyes wide open... but unseeing. He also feels weak, and getting out of bed to check the door makes him more than just uneasy. Exhausted, he falls back into the bed - he didn't even make it to the door. What happened during the night...? And why does he have a deep gash on his left arm?




And where is the beautiful woman he spent the night with - now that it's day and the sun is up in the sky?

Not just that... but he also finds one of the wine glasses broken, covered with some thick ...red at its edges. And there's blood on the sheets where he was lying on.




And still, Fran is nowhere to be found...

He searches through the castle - but besides for a dangerous looking dagger, he finds nothing.




And so, he decides to leave the empty, abandoned castle. On his way, he stops by the couple and their van, because he's searching for help with his wound. The cut is deep, and he explains it, rationalising its existence to himself and the couple by stating that he fell onto a glass, hence the injury. He leaves with mysterious words as he's asked if someone lives in "that house" (referring to the castle) - "That's what I asked myself earlier this day - and I haven't found an answer!"




But for some reason... for some reason we don't know, if we're normal humans, he drives back to the castle, sleeping through the day - until he finally awakens as another cars drives by, and Fran exits it. She apologises for her disappearance earlier that day, and Ted is okay with that. But Fran has brought friends - the beautiful blonde Miriam, and a ...friend of hers, a young man.




As Miriam and her young visitor, Rupert, go to fetch some more red wine for the company's amusement, Ted starts up a conversation with Fran, during which he finds out that the two women are lovers.




This movie has some awesome dialogues - and need I talk about the pictures? It deals openly with sex and sexuality, without degrading itself to the level of softcore porn. This is not a Jess Franco movie about pretty lesbian vampires - this is a serious, nearly flawlessly executed, sensuous movie about two women who need to drink blood.




I love that they both - Fran and Miriam - don't have fangs, and that they and their interaction with one another and the others give us a portrayal of vampires that isn't Hollywood's idea of what a vampire should entail, but instead one that paints the two blood drinkers in a more human light. They are women first and foremost, and lovers, too. They just happen to have to drink blood.

Miriam (the blonde one) warns Fran that she's playing a dangerous game with the man she more or less took in and is playing with - but Fran won't listen. We are left to wonder why...




As another day comes, both women are off to the cemetery together - again.

Meanwhile, Ted has noticed that his watch stopped functioning - again. It never stops... only when he's around Fran resp. her friend Miriam. He also discovers that the mirrors in the castle are covered with black tape. What could this mean...?

A short note on the subsequent theme of clocks stopping in the vicinity of the two vampyresses (hey, CG, I'm thinking of you!) - this could be explained in different ways. It could be that they're subconsciously drawing the energy off the batteries, or a metaphor for their timelessness. I, personally, prefer to think of both of these theories of mine as true within the context of this movie.




When he, Ted, tries to leave for the second time, he is stopped by the police - and, to his horror, discovers Rupert and his car - or, more appropriately, Rupert's car with the young man dead inside. He is horrified and shocked - and returns to the castle... yet again. It seems as if something is drawing him there... and it's not just his curiousity and dread. He seems to be determined to find out what the secret of the castle and its beautiful female inhabitants is...




Vampyres is a beautiful movie. The camerawork is, for the 70s, brilliant - the pictures we are shown are beautiful and hauntingly evocative, and there's no single piece of dialogue that seems forced or out of place. Much is said without words - I especially applaud Murray Brown for his role of Ted, the man who comes back again and again for the vampire Fran - fascinated by her, infatuated with her - the mysterious woman whom he cannot fathom, whose very being he can only touch through the medium of his blood being licked off his wounds by her...

Special mentions also go to Marianne Morris, who plays the female vampire Fran, and her younger companion Miriam, who is played by the beautiful Anulka Dziubinska (only credited as Anulka in the movie's credits). The performances of these women is astonishing. It doesn't matter whether you like their looks or not - and as it's a movie from 1974, I doubt that many viewers in this day and age will see them as beautiful. However, in terms of the 70s, they are very beautiful indeed, and eroticism oozes from every single movement of them. It's in their movements, their smiles and the way they bear themselves. Their eyes alone say more than dialogue could - and, luckily, this isn't a dialogue-intensive movie.

A warning, though: If you're not into watching two women having a go at it whilst completely naked, kissing and playing and licking and doing other wonderful things to each other with the inclusion of bloodplay - don't watch this movie. If you have no problems with things like these, though... enjoy the ride.

This is the vampire movie I always wanted someone to make. And ever since Ive seen it for the first time about four years ago, this feeling hasn't changed. This movie is brutal and violent at times, yet sensuous and beautiful, filled with ardent splendor intermingling seamlessly with terror and violence. But in the end, beauty and eroticism prevail. At times, an almost dream-like quality fills the movie - and a tangible sense of despair, mixed with urgency.

Still one of my favourites in the vampire-subgenre.






9.5/10 ways to slowly drain a human of blood through subsequent sexual and sanguinarian feedings...

Låt den rätte komma in (Let the Right One In), 2008

Oskar, a bullied 12-year old, dreams of revenge. He falls in love with Eli, a peculiar girl. She can't stand the sun or food, and to come into a room she needs to be invited. Eli gives Oskar the strength to hit back - but when he realizes that Eli needs to drink other people's blood to live, he's faced with a choice. How much can love forgive? Låt den rätte komma in (Let the Right One In) is a story both violent and highly romantic, set in the Stockholm suburb of Blackeberg in 1982.

I'm not usually a big fan of vampire movies - granted, I grew up with the old Hammer movies with Christopher Lee, think that Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula looks beautiful, have a soft spot in my heart for Near Dark and The Lost Boys, adore Trouble Every Day (Yes! YES! I will write a review some day!)... but I consider those to be classics. Just as I'm not a particular fan of zombie flicks, I can still name about 10 movies that I really like. It's just part of the horror franchise - the vampire. Just another sort of monster.

However, just as Trouble Every Day challenged my idea of a movie about vampires, so did Låt den rätte komma in.




As the initial synopsis (courtesy of imdb.com) told you - this movie is about
Oskar, a 12-year-old boy in Sweden, 1982. He's the kind of kid that has one big problem: He gets bullied around and mobbed by the other kids at school. There are several possible reasons for this: He is skinny, pale, weaker than the other boys. He loves to read (books about serial killers and crime and forensics) and is a loner. In short: The perfect victim for more ...actively aggressive kids than him. He ran afoul of one group in particular: The little gang of Conny, who seems to get some sick enjoyment out of humiliating and beating up Oskar.

Oskar also keeps a journal about killings and deaths.

Sounds familiar. Well, I don't know if it sounds familiar to you, but it sounds all too familiar to me. Now, the thing is: Oskar harbours an intense aggression against those fucked-up kids who like to torment him (understandably). His evenings usually consist of going outside into the (very empty and desolate) park in front of the house he is living in with his mother, together with his hunting knife, and re-enacts the slights and insults he has received during the day at school in front of a tree - which always results in him violently stabbing the tree.




It's sad to watch those scenes. Oskar's aggression is palpable - but so is his sadness and loneliness.

One night, though, a girl appears on the climbing thingie only a few meters away from him.

What follows is one of the most brilliant dialogues I've ever had the pleasure to witness.

And I mean absolutely brilliant. You'll know what I mean when you see it - unless you're one of those people who want their vampire movies to be full of action, T&A and whatever - like Blade and its sequels, or Wes Craven's Dracula 2000 and its sequels, or the Underworld franchise. No, this is a calm, silent and atmospheric movie. When it comes to the use of colour and the atmospheric flow, Let the Right One In reminds me of Trouble Every Day.

Speaking of fans of aforementioned modern vampire flicks: You should avoid this one. It requires intelligence, an appreciation for atmosphere, colour, characterisation, dialogue... the art of fine film-making, to cut this short. There is nothing flashy or sensational to this movie. It's clearly a European movie - and for some reason (I don't want to go into detail, as this would derail into one of my rants), European films differ markedly from USAnian ones. They are slower... more focused on processes and situations rather than action. And I like it. Maybe because I'm a European, so there's a possibility that I'm being biased. Anyways, I fully approve.

Anyways, back to the plot.

The second most-awesome poodle-scene in a vampire movie. Now, there's not just Interview with the Vampire, but also Låt den rätte komma in.

Oskar and Eli (the mysterious girl that only comes out at night, can't eat food or enter rooms without being invited first without disastrous consequences) become friends. There is a slight but distinct sexual tension between the two young kids, which lends a deep dimension to the film, which is not always comfortable (unless you get off to such stuff; then I by no means want to imply that your desires and/or fantasies are in any way wrong - do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law, man...). Over the course of the first and second act of the movie, we can watch them bond slowly - a very realistic and careful process. Kudos to the writer.
But as their slow and careful friendship, also characterised by a constant keeping of distance between the two kids, progresses, Eli's nature becomes more and more apparent. Unable to go out during the day, unable to stomach normal, human food, the need to be invited into a dwelling before able to enter... and the fact that she needs to drink human blood. Oskar is troubled by this - the supernatural is introding into his world, and it wears a cruel, beautiful face with smears of blood all over it and its cold, slender hands.

This movie is also a visual journey through the development of Oskar's character and mind. He learns to stand up for himself (okay, maybe beating someone's ear with a giant pole so that they bleed out of the ear and scream constantly is not the nicest and most polite way to go about this, but hey, cut the kid some crap...) because of what Eli tells him. And he learns how to make choices... resulting in the ultimate choice.




This movie is... I don't know how to say it. It is touching, on several different levels. You might have to watch it several times in order to realise the various layers on which this movie is resting, and some things might become apparent only on a subsequent watching (especially if you're not used to movies such like this), but... wow. Just wow. I am truly impressed.

I was looking forward to seeing this movie ever since I heard of it, and I was definitely not disappointed. Everything was perfect - well, everything besides one scene. It's one of "those" scenes - one of those which the movie could have done without. It features fire. You'll recognise it when you see it. Then again, I think it was important to the general understanding of the vampire's condition, so it did serve a purpose. I would have preferred if they had done it in a different way, but still. Låt den rätte komma in is a very special, very different movie. It's not your usual kind of horror - in fact, it's only partly a horror movie. It is also a romance, a movie about friendship, loyalty, growing up, the terrors of it, a study about dysfunctional families and people, childhood, being a teenager... and death and need.

Another thing I want to mention is that I cannot stress enough how brilliant the performance of our two main characters - Oskar (Kare Hedebrandt) and Eli (Lina Leandersson) - is. These teenagers truly carry thewhole weight of the movie's impact on their fragile shoulders, and both do it with extraordinary ability. There is no single second in which the actions, words, gestures or eyes show that these two are not real characters but fictional ones portrayed by young actors. The range of their behaviour is realistic throughout the whole movie. It is rare that I am truly impressed by an actor, much more that I'm impressed by a child-/teenage-actor. But Oskar and Eli truly are memorable, sympathetic characters. I hope they both continue to pursue a career in acting, because they would be a great boon to the general quality of actors. I'd definitely want to see more of them.





Another thing that I enjoyed was that the movie doesn't portray the vampire as our great, awesome, flawless, slightly suffering (morally speaking) hero. The character of Eli is completely human - and at times, completely inhuman. The vampire character has two completely different sides to it - and Lina Leandersson manages to portray both in an eerily convincing way. There is no artificiality to the way she shifts between the two. Great acting. Wherever you found Lina, keep her (and Kare Hedebrant as well!).

And the camerawork... what should I say? Brilliant? Awesome? Outstanding in this specific subgenre of my beloved horror? All of those.




An outstanding movie. It will not appeal to everyone, though.

11/10 solved Rubik's cubes...

Teeth (2007)

I want to start this review with a small anecdote.

In my 7th semester at university, I attended a class about ethnolinguistics. You see, I like ethnolinguistics. I read a few books about it, and when I saw that a class was being offered, I instantly thought "why, this will be awesome!".

What did I get? An old idiot talking about the Matako-tribe and that every single culture in the whole world has a vagina dentata myth.

Being a person who loves mythology, I was a bit weirded out. I like to think that I know a lot of myths from a lot of cultures... and, funnily enough, I know of no single vagina dentata myth. Of course, I had heard about the vagina dentata before - from psychology classes, frankly. I learned about one myth about it (a Matako myth, funnily enough); I am more familiar with the psychological background of it. So, this movie automatically fails in my book when the heroine states that sooooo many cultures have a vagina detata myth. I somehow seem to have overlooked them... IF the movie's assumption is correct. Which it isn't.

On to the movie.

First of all - what is the big deal about virginity? I just don't get it. Maybe it's because I'm a depraved individual who likes sex and isn't married... maybe it is because I think that whole "virginity is a gift from GOD!"-thing is absolutely stupid. Probably my fault.

Oh, I forgot. A short synopsis is needed for those of you who haven't heard about the movie yet:
Dawn is a nice, innocent, pure young lady. I can't stress the "pure" aspect enough. She is a virgin, talks about virginity being a gift from god (that YHVH guy), is pure and intends to stay that way until she marries. Because when you're married, having sex is okay as opposed to sex out of wedlock. *nods gravely*
She lives with her parents and her stepbrother, who is mean and evil and wants to do the nasty with her. There is some sort of subplot (?) there about Dawn's mother being sick, but I had the impression that it was just crammed in by the writers to... I don't know. It is essentially pointless.

Ah, screw it.

"Teeth" is a movie about a girl whose crotch has shark-like teeth and is able to cut of male genitalia when inserted. There you go, that's all the synopsis and plot you need in order to understand this movie.

Also, I want to add that the dumb blonde who we are supposed to sympathise with (Dawn) is a terrible motivational speaker. She just sucks at it. Terribly. I don't know who had the idea that this creature should be portrayed as a really good speaker, but there are some problems with that: She sucks at it (yes, I want to reiterate this point to drive it home). So either I am used to higher standards, or maybe Mitchell Lichtenstein just doesn't know how to write good speeches, or maybe American virginity-freaks are just dumb enough to be impressed by very little (no insult intended to those American virginity-freaks who read this - I respect your beliefs and your faith and think you are awesomely strong-willed not to have sex. I wouldn't be able to do that, so kudos to you. Don't tell your deity to eat me. Please?)... but the whole "talking about virginity"-thing had me dumbfounded. I wondered when someone would finally drag her off the stage... so the whole "you're really good!"-reaction from EVERYONE was a tad unexpected. Alas, judge for yourself.

The mood of this movie is a sickeningly happy one - virginity apparently does that to people, and to the world around them. So, until the virginity and assorted purity lasts, we are bombarded with "happyful".



Because virginity spreads happyful.

(Yes, I know that this word doesn't exist. But the Palmolive company apparently thought differently, and because I find it hilarious, I am using it repeatedly. Maybe I will be the one to kickstart a new trend - the trend of happyful and joy. So please, use the word and revel in the fact that some companies are too stupid to hire someone who can speak English. Or maybe they thought native German speakers can't speak English and won't notice the mistake... anyways, "happyful" still is an awesome word. Say it out loud. "Happyful". See? Now smile and say it again. "Happyful". It is ridiculously funny... but that might just be my skewed sense of humour. In case you don't find the term funny... well, then I can't help you. Only evil people who go to basement cat do not find joy in happyful. I apologise for this tangent, we now go back to our regularly scheduled movie review.)

At this point, I should probably say something about the "deep symbolism" of the movie.
The movie starts out with threateningly, dark nuclear facility looming over the wonderful, pleasant landscape. They look very phallic.
This movie has phallic images in... well, quite a lot of scenes. It also has a lot of yonic imagery. It is pretty obvious if you watch this... this... thing... movie.
There are nuclear powerplants (with dark and evil smoke), trees, caves, holes... more caves... actually, it's just one cave. It's the cave where "people go to... you know". Heck, these teens seem to be afraid of the term "sex" or ANYTHING that has to do with it. Before staring at aforementioned cave in terror, they are going to the movies. And they impose it on themselves not to watch anything with sexual insinuations in it.

"Even the PG-13 is going to have heavy making out..."
(the group of faithful, blessed virgins is standing in front of the cinema and tries to find out which movie they can watch without defiling their purity)

...excuse me?
Being from the magical land far, far away from the USA - a place sometimes called Oirope - I suffer from a condition called "Oiropeanism". It basically means that I don't understand a lot of the thought processes of the people from the Empire of Good. So... are there really people who don't even WATCH anything sex-related because it might lead to impure thoughts? It is hard for me to believe that. And I grew up in a catholic village with about 1000 inhabitants (I routinely add at this point that half of them were cows), a population density of 32/km², lots of churches and lots of god-fearing christians who insisted on occasionally trying to stone me. I am used to christianity being weird. But that whole purity thing...
...it's not true, is it? Please tell me there are no real teenagers like that.

Anyways.

"Teeth" is also one of the few movies I have ever seen in which the stereotypes are so painful that it, well, hurts. Take the evil stepbrother, for example:



He has tattoos, wears combat boots, has a lot of posters on the walls of his room, smokes cigarettes, smokes weed, listens to metal. I bet the fiend even drinks alcohol. If there ever was a stereotype... The very second you hear some death metal booming through the walls, you know that evil has found a way to infiltrate the pure world full of happyful that Dawn inhabits as a virgin.

But even pure virgins something like to touch themselves. You know how it is. Now, I have read quite extensively about sexual paraphilias, fetishes, you name it. My parents had a sex-store in the basement of the music-store they ran when I was a child. I practically grew up next to vibrators, handcuffs and a healthy appreciation of sexuality. And guitars. Gods, thinking about it... that might explain partly why I turned out the way I did. Anyways, right next to my bed, I have a really awesome book by Magnus Hirschfeld about deviant sex, and Krafft-Ebing's "Psychopathia Sexualis". Trust me when I say I am no stranger to weird stuff.

I was not prepared for what I had to see, though.

Dawn masturbates to the thought of getting married.

Read that again.

It is a positively creepy scene. Especially since the shots are really pretty and artistic... *shivers* However, I have to congratulate Mitchell Lichtenstein: You, good sir, managed to invent a new paraphilia. I salute you. Would that be matrimoniophilia? Nuptiaephilia? Iugophilia? Whatever fancy name we choose, it is positively creepy. Says the person who writes short stories involving necrophilia. Either something is very wrong with me, or with masturbating to the thought of getting married. I personally prefer the latter.

To be concise for once: Dawn + iugophilia/matrimoniophilia/nuptiaephilia = DO NOT WANT!



Anyways, what has been seen cannot be unseen, so I have to live with that. If any of you are turned on by the thought of getting married, and I mean "turned on and touching yourself in naughty places"-turned on, then by all means, watch that movie. If you aren't... try to pay no attention to the scene. Trust me, it's better for your soul.

Our pure virgin then decides that she can't EVER meet the guy whom she imagined in a tuxedo again (he is a fellow "purity is so awesome!"-member, although he is only a virgin in the eyes of the lord (YHVH), for he knows the dangers that sex poses firsthand... he's been there, man...). Shortly after that decision, she calls him to go swimming with her. Near the cave. Where people go to... you know. Do the nasty.
So they meet, go swimming, fool around, kiss, touch... and then she is all like "purity!" as she swims away... into the cave.

I could say a lot about the cave now. The cave is not only the vulva, it is also the womb and the birth channel, through which we all are born into this world of happyful (or not, depending on your personal social setting and genetic predisposition and upbringing and general environment etc. etc. pp.). It is a gray area of change - passing through the birth channel, out of the womb, marks a liminal state. And we all know that liminal states have always been important and powerful in our psyche (I personally blame a lack of ritualised liminal states and transitions - the classical rite de passage - for a lot of our today's youth's problems, and I include myself in that).
The cave here thus represents the transition of one state to another.

Dawn enters the cave as a pure, innocent virgin, undefiled and... well, pure. As pure as it gets.
Tobey enters the cave as a young man with healthy sexual desires. Hell, he hasn't even jacked off since Easter (definitely a special way to celebrate the coming of the Easter Bunny... O_o)! He enters as a healthy young man with a penis.

You can see where this is going, right? Transitions...

I want to make something clear here: Dawn is not behaving very "pure" in this scene. She doesn't send out mixed signals. She sends out very clear signals. And those signals scream "I want to have sex with you!". I am a woman, I know how we are. I mean, look at the body language employed by Dawn, resp. the actress playing her (Jess Weixler, who does a great job in this movie). She is cockteasing the guy royally. Look at her smiles. She wants him. Clearly. EVERYTHING in that scene points towards it. She wants teh sex. I have watched this movie three times now - the first time just to know what to expect, the second time to pay proper attention to it and to write a coherent review, and the third time with female friends to see if my opinions are convergent with the female population or not. They apparently are. So - me and three other women agree that she is teasing her dear Tobey and really wants to see how much of a member of the purity club he is. Pun intended.

And we all came to the same conclusion: If you want to keep your virginity intact, don't fool around with guys like that.

What follows is the most unbelievable characterisation of a male teenager/young adult ever. In short: Tobey is overcome with lust at the touch of Dawn's nubile young body against his ("don't fool around with guys if you want to keep your virginity intact..."), gets rid of his pants, and sticks his member into her vagina. She is opposed to this happening... and we hear a wet, crunching sound. Followed by Tobey shrieking like a girl.

The transition has been made: Dawn is no longer pure and innocent and a virgin. She world's shortest rape made sure about that. On the other hand, Tobey has been robbed of his manliness. In a very literal way. Witness exhibit A: Chomped-off penis, by virtue of vagina dentata.




Now, this scene seems to be a controversial one. Is it rape? Well, in a way, yes. She didn't want him to insert stick A into slot B, so it was against her will. She struggled a bit. Followed by 5 seconds of rape. Now whether you classify this as rape or not depends on your personal definition of rape and your personal experiences. I am not sure on the whole issue. Also, this is a bit of a loaded topic for me, so let's just say that I agree that he stuck his member into her against her wishes at that moment, but that she WAS cockteasing him the entire time before, kissed him, let him touch her etc. But maybe my brain just works differently.

I also want to add that the scene is not gory in the least. I expected blood gushing everywhere, screams of pain, stumbling around, graphic depictions of dismembered guys (Hah! Do you see what I did there?!). What we get is... well. Not a lot. I expected more from a self-styled horror movie. But maybe it's a horror movie for guys only?

It might be time for me to draw your attention to the only creepy scene in the movie: Dawn, the day after her 5 seconds rape and loss of her purity, has to hold one of those brilliant speeches of hers about purity. She can't do it because she is still traumatised from what happened.
And man, the audience of christian purity-freak-teens was creepy. Hissing and chanting stuff about satan and the garden of eden and the snake... weird. Totally weird.

Dawn decides to visit a gynecologist - to see if anything is wrong down there with her. Her problem is that she picked the wrong gynecologist. See, this is one of the reasons why I tell young girls to have their first visit to a gyn either with a parent or, even easier, choosing a female one.
The second she replies to the question whether that is her first visit to a gynecologist with "yes", you can see the expression on the guy's face. It says "ooh, innocent, fresh meat that doesn't know what is okay and what not".
Long story short: He starts fisting her. To test for "flexibility".

Of course, her toothed vulva takes care of that problem by severing 4 fingers of the good doctor. Retaliation can be a bitch. Or a cunt, in this specific case.

The whole scene becomes freakin' hilarious when the doctor is down on the floor, staring at his bleeding hand and yelling "VAGINA DENTATA!" over and over again whilst our heroine flees the scene of her... well. Her crotch cutting off a pervert's fingers.

At this point, I want to point out the similarity between the teeth-imagery present in the movie and the phallic imagery. The cave where people go to... you know... has been described by Jared of Head Injury Theater as "a warm, wet cave that, much like the main character, seems to have teeth". My first impression was that the toothy things can also represent penises aggressively penetrating into the cave. I think it's one of those many-layered images - penis, tooth... Also, the vagina dentata is pretty much the stereotypical inversion of male sexuality, if only in a slightly weird way: The male penis penetrates, "cuts" through the hymen when defloration occurs. Dawn's defloration happens the same way - she loses a gift that she valued. At the same time, she does more or less the same to poor Tobey by cutting (biting?) off his penis. It is an act of penetration - her vagoo's teeth sink themselves into his fragile penis and destroy it, changing him forever. I am not going to make a comment about the hypothetical third gender in Mesopotamia now.

Well, back to our movie.
Dawn, hysterical and close to a nervous breakdown after this incident, seeks out Ryan, a guy who wants to fuck her and made a bet to do so with one of his friends. She goes to him to cry and whine about having a vagina dentata. Of course, he doesn't believe her.

For some reason, she takes a bath at his place, and gets some psychopharmacy to calm her down. I don't know what pills he gave her, but damn, they must be good stuff. If any of you know what it was, tell me. I have Xanax and Diazepam to trade ;)

Anyways, she gets out of the bath, is high from the pills, and comes into a room full of candles... romantic stuff. Ryan, her saviour and provider of baths, gets her in the mood, starts fondling her when she more or less passes out... and then she wakes up.

"Do you want me to stop?"
She smiles at him and says "no".

That, my dear readers, is not date rape. It looks like consensual sex to me. He asked before he inserted you-know-what into you-know-what, and she said it was fine. And lo and behold, he doesn't get mutilated by the vagina dentata.

Not yet.

We find Dawn in the bathroom, looking at her nude body. This is one of the reasons why I'd personally say that this movie isn't about female empowerment. She needs to get raped before she develops character and strength (not to mention a man-member-eating vagina) - that's not female empowerment. In my opinion, this movie is about coming to grips with one's own body and one's sexual urges. Sex IS a weapon. It is so in today's society, and it has always been. In this specific case, it really is a weapon in the truest sense of the word.

Dawn, being okay with her body and her sexuality, promptly jumps onto Ryan before leaving to get some more fun. That's where things get awkward.

Guys: Don't tell a girl you're fucking and who seems to be happy with you that you made a bet to get her into bed. Some of us don't react too kindly to that. And pray that those who don't react kindly to something like that aren't a mutation with shark teeth in their crotch.

Let's just say that Ryan is not exactly virile after that confession anymore.


Dawn leaves the bleeding Ryan, pissed off that she was just game for him. Although I have to say he appeared to actually like her... but alas. We can be weird. Women, I mean. We employ Fuzzy Logic, after all.

The movie ends with Dawn learning that her mother has died, and that her stepbrother didn't do anything to help poor old mom. And you know what that means.

It means war.
War by crotch.

It is a weird movie. Honestly, I don't really know what to make of it. It certainly isn't the kind of horror movie I am used to - frankly, I am reluctant to classify it as horror. It's not a comedy either. It's not a feminist movie either, at least as far as I am concerned (and I am armed with a whole semester of gender studies - granted, gender studies about Ancient Mesopotamia, but hey, I at least learnt the basics). It is not a movie about female empowerment, because the only empowerment, if that word has to be used, happens after rape and being treated like a sex object, not a human being.

I still stand by my opinion: It's about accepting your own body and your sexual desires. It also is about being used, and a young girl learning to cope with that.
With a penis-dismembering vagina.

Weird on so many levels...

4/10 crunchy sounds before a dismembered penis (I did it again! Hah!) drops out of a toothy vagina.