THAT'S RIGHT! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature... and because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection... they find only death... fire... loss... disillusionment... the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside, from Man himself."
Well. Actually, it doesn't. Conquer the world, I mean. It even fails to conquer one shitty small town, but that's neither here nor there, because THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA.... ehm, I mean this is a Roger Corman movie. Yepp. Another one - as requested by popular demand (*cough* Pyre *cough*). And because I live to serve (ahem), I will talk about this beautiful movie, this jewel of B-movie-ness.
*happy sigh*
It Conquers The World is actually famous... well, more or less famous. Depends on what social circles you are hanging out with. I personally am sure that at least TF will instantly know what this movie is about when he reads these words: Frank Zappa, "Cheepnis". Yepp. Frank Zappa talks about this very movie. Specifically, about the threatening creature Roger Corman unleashed upon the world. Yes, I AM referring to the ...monster you can see on the cover depicted above. Look at it. Take it in. Read.
"Cheepnis." Let me tell you something, do you like monster movies? Anybody? I LOVE monster movies, I simply adore monster movies, and the cheaper they are, the better they are. And cheepnis in the case of a monster movie has nothing to do with the budget of the film, although it helps, but true cheepnis is exemplified by visible nylon strings attached to the jaw of a giant spider . . . I'll tell you, a good one that I saw one time, I think the name of the film was "IT CONQUERED THE WORLD," and the . . . Did you ever see that one? The monster looks sort of like an inverted ice-cream cone with teeth around the bottom. It looks like a (phew!), like a teepee or . . . sort of a rounded off pup-tent affair, and, uh, it's got fangs on the base of it, I don't know why but it's a very threatening sight, and then he's got a frown and, you know, ugly mouth and everything, and there's this one scene where the, uh, monster is coming out of a cave, see? There's always a scene where they come out of a cave, at least once, and the rest of the cast . . . it musta been made around the 1950's, the lapels are about like that wide, the ties are about that wide and about this short, and they always have a little revolver that they're gonna shoot the monster with, and there is always a girl who falls down and twists her ankle . . . heh-hey! Of course there is! You know how they are, the weaker sex and everything, twisting their ankle on behalf of the little ice-cream cone. Well in this particular scene, in this scene, folks, they, uh, they didn't wanna re-take it 'cause it musta been so good they wanted to keep it, but they . . . when the monster came out of the cave, just over on the left hand side of the screen you can see about this much two-by-four attached to the bottom of the Thing as the guy is pushing it out, and then obviously off-camera somebody's goin': "NO! GET IT BACK!" And they drag it back just a little bit as the guy is goin': "KCH! KCH!" Now that's cheepnis. Awright.
Being the charming person I am, here's the song as performed on "Roxy & Elsewhere":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciP0fo3_F8A
There you go. My first youtube video ever embedded on this blog.
You see, this review is more about cool stuff associated with the movie. Because I couldn't for the life of me find an actual copy of the flick (it's a Roger Corman flick, for Raptor Jesus' sake!), I did what every internet user would do. No, I didn't download it (*cough*). I went to youtube, and lo and behold, I found it. In a MST3K version. That's Mystery Science Theater 3000 for you heretics out there who don't know about the brilliance that is MST3K. You are less than human if you don't know it. I have that on good authority.
So, there I was, searching for this movie, finding a MST3K version... and that was just perfect, because I was feeling a little bit depressed at that time. And we all know there is nothing better to cure a depressive moods than watching Joel and the robots mock a movie. A Roger Corman movie, at that. Naturally, that coloured my perception of this brilliant little flick. I apologise. Sincerely.
Let me recap the story of It Conquered The World for you:
A disillusioned, bitter scientist (Dr. Tom Anderson), who has been preaching about alien contact and related stuff (thereby rendering himself a crazy nutjob in the world of science, thus contributing to his bitterness and disillusionment) for years (I told you - batshit insane!) comes into contact with an alien from venus via his radio. Because that's how things work. They become friends, and the alien reveils to Tom that it would like to, you know, conquer the world. Being the bitter and disillusioned scientist he is, Tom thinks that this is a brilliant plan - especially since the Venusian (he actually has a name - "Beluah") plans to conquer the world via his mind control devices, eliminating all emotion.
Naturally, he helps Beluah with his plan. Which his long-time friend and colleague, Dr. Paul Nelson. does not approve of. Especially since he should become one of the elite of this new world order. He doesn't take too kindly to that, given that he will have to kill his wife directly after hopping over to the Anderson's place (but actually, it wasn't his wife - it was the body of his wife, with the, uhm, device implanted, being controlled by HIM. Beluah, not the band).
Paul Nelson: And you want me to condone this reign of terror? (Yupp!) To swear allegiance to this monstrous king of yours? To kill my own soul and all within reach? (Uh-huh!) Well, I won't, Anderson. I'll fight it 'til the last breath in my body. And I'll fight you, too, because you're part of it - the worst part. Because you belong to a living race, not a dying one. This is your land, your world. Your hands are human, but your mind is enemy. (And I won't bring up your feet!) You're a traitor, Anderson. The greatest traitor of all time. And you know why? Because you're not betraying part of mankind - you're betraying all of it.
(applause)
Moving. Really moving. *wipes a tear out of her eye*
Those mind-controlling devices are delivered by something that the imdb thinks to be bat-creatures (what a delightfully vague way of expressing 'we have no idea what it is'). I hold it with the MST3K crew: It's a giant plastic mitten.
Seriously. You can see the strings that they are being swung around on. THAT'S classy.
Anyways, Dr. Nelson (Paul) manages to convince his friend (Dr. Tom Anderson) that the alien is evil. He does so through the media of verbally and emotionally abusing the already scarred and bitter Tom, using his fears and character weaknesses to give in to his raging paranoia. Nice, eh? So in the end, the two scientists defeat the monster. Which hasn't conquered anything at the end of the movie. Not even aforementioned shitty small town. What kind of resumé is that? Gojira destroys Tokyo with his FOOTSTEPS OF DOOM!, and Beluah just appears mildly threatening and fails to do anything.
Well, at least he looks funny.
Lacking something witty to say here at this end of the review, mostly because I'm ravenously hungry and really want to order a pizza, I give you the links to the greatness that is It Conquered The World as mocked by Joel and the robots on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Part 01/11
Part 02/11
Part 03/11
Part 04/11
Part 05/11
Part 06/11
Part 07/11
Part 08/11
Part 09/11
Part 10/11
Part 11/11
Enjoy it. I know I have, and mightily so.
5.5/10 flappy plastic mittens being swung around on clearly visible strings. Man. Classy.
"He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature... and because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection... they find only death... fire... loss... disillusionment... the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside, from Man himself."
