Beyond the Wall of Sleep (2006)

First of all: This is going to be screenshot-intensive. I just adore the pretty pictures a lot, and they say so much more than my words ever could. That said... here we go.

So... say hello to Joe. Joe is an inbred guy... and he's also special.

As fierce as the Wendigo, yet with the curiousity of a wild cat!

Story: Joe is, as I already mentioned, special. He also massacred his whole family and then ran wild through the Catskills mountains, got caught, brought to Arkham Asylum (sound familiar?), where strange things begin to happen...


Beautiful pictures. I actually love the beginning of this movie. Colours...
frantic cuts. I love frantic cuts with crazy pictures.

Also, any movie that starts with a reference to primordial ooze already has bonus points in my personal little book of "Rate This Movie". "Primordial Ooze" - it just has a certain ring to it. It makes me think of ...old things. Ancient things, even. Azathoth, Nyarlathotep... I really read too much Lovecraft.

At this point, I want to add something: If you play this movie slowly, VERY slowly with VLC media player, you will see HOW frantic those cuts are. To actually show you, I'd have to put a video up, and frankly, I am too lazy for that. You'll have to see for yourself - if you still want to after what I am about to reveal about this movie.


In case you happen to be ignorant of this specific work of The Master (read: Howard Phillips Lovecraft), you can read up on it here.

So, let's see... We start out with aforementioned pretty and frantic pictures, a mention of primordial ooze (see, or better read, above), some hints of blood and gore, followed by...

...weirdness.

For example, children dancing around, singing. With flowers. Around our protagonist, who appears to be a tiny little bit insane (see first screenshot).

Then we get two search parties. One of them is lead by the Sheriff, played by Tom Savini. I love spotting the guy. It's some sort of hobby for me, I admit it.

I quote: "Joe! Joe! No kill, find!", with a few added grunts.
Note: This is NOT Tom Savini. This is Peter.

He is the leader of this search party:

Pretty guys, right?

Snap to our nice intern at Arkham Asylum, Edward...


Looks like a trustworthy experiment, doesn't it?


I wonder if she volunteered for that treatment. Then again, judging from the moaning - and I mean ecstatic moaning - she seems to enjoy it. A lot.

As in... really.

You know you can trust your doctor.

... I mean, he looks trustworthy, doesn't he?

Then, we get whisked away, together with our trusty and trustworthy intern, Edward, to the examination of the inbred insane protagonist (as opposed to our trustworthy protagonist, intern Edward) - our dear Joe.

Here we learn that our protagonist has a "shape" on his back - a face, perhaps?
...or evil twins, unseparated at birth?!


I want to draw your attention to the nearly invisible thing.... shape.... on the back of poor ol' Joe. This, ladies and gentlemen, is supposed to be his Evil Twin, "unseparated at birth" (sorry, I just love that phrase) and responsible for the grisly murders that happened in the "inbred-area" of the Catskills mountains (aka, NOT where Arkham Asylum is).

This is, of course, an anomaly.

Also, remember:

When trying to find out what happened at the scene of a grisly massacre in inbred territory, applying leeches is tantamount to success. You should also use needles. BIG needles. Above, you see Joe (the one with the humanely placed collar that holds him up), Dr. Wardlow (the guy with the needle) and Dr. Fenton (who runs Arkham Asylum with all the professionalism you can expect from a slightly demented doctor). Note that Dr. Wardlow is also not exactly the most ...sane alienist the Asylum has ever seen.

Which brings me to a point: Every medical practitioner in this movie is crazy in one way or the other. It's a delight.



Ah, Wardlow... what should I say. This man is fond of needles - I mean, look at him. He is leaving the examination room (where he tried to make dear inbred, special Joe talk by putting leeches on him - remember: Leeches heal EVERYTHING! - and stab him with this monster of a needle), and is rightly pissed off. I mean... he didn't get to stab the, err... patient... with his needle!

Consequently, he treats us to the most random shot given to a patient ever.

"Wouldn't want to waste a perfectly good shot."

... indeed.

I want to note that the dialogues are absolutely brilliant. I mean that as a purveyor and connoisseur of bad B-Movies. BRILLIANT.


My mind wants to take this as some sort of deep symbolism. The light in the vague shape of a cross (don't disagree with me, it is DEFINITELY a cross in the one short frame in which you can see it without accompanying madman) brightening the darkness of the cell - the cell which is life itself in which we are but insane specks of insignificant dust, powerless (signified through the straight jacket), raging against the dying of the light which gives us but a brief glimpse of salvation from this bound, powerless, dark existence...

But for some reason, I don't think it is intended as such. Honestly, I think it was put in there because it looks awesome.

Back to our dear intern, Edward Eischel.


Do you still trust him? ...I wouldn't. I've seen that look on people's faces. It usually means that they don't exactly have your best interests at heart. In the case of an intern at Arkham Asylum, that might be normal (after all, we all know what Arkham is like and what kind of people get interred there - I bet my vinyl collection that Wilbur Whateley, if he had, uhm... survived, would have been there, and not out of his own free will... ... why are you looking at me like that? You don't know who Wilbur Whateley was? FOR SHAME! Go and educate yourself and come back when you can understand HP Lovecraft references! Pffffffft.... heretic. Heathen! ...where was I... ah, yes...), but I just want to draw attention to it. Maybe because he reminds me a tiny little bit of St. Francis of Death in my 2nd favourite movie (whoever can guess what that movie is can wish for a review).

In case I forgot to mention: People die when Joe sleeps. This is actually one of the most important things of the ...plot, but somehow, it never really comes across that strongly. The rest of the movie just makes you pay less attention to it. Which is a pity, because this could have been used to induce some real suspense... but hey, we are talking about a glorious abysmal B-Movie here.

So yes, people die when Joe sleeps. Like this fellow:

(No, he's not dead yet, but for Raptor Jesus' sake, I wasn't patient enough to grab a screenshot of him being gutted and dismembered, because, like everything in this movie, it happens in frantic, hectical shots and cuts that you have to sit through like 4 or 5 times in slow motion in order to be able to grab the frame you want...)

"Curious..."

Yes, my first reaction would be to say "curious..." as well when faced with SLEEP scrambled on the wall with blood. Especially after I spent a night in the cell of the weird patient who continually says that when he sleeps, bad things happen. Like that unexplained murder in the Asylum right after our dear, special Joe was checked into Arkham Asylum.

But you know, Edward (our dear mad intern) is different. What makes other men shiver excites him!

He also quotes Dr. Giggles. When he talks to his beautiful Ardelia (read: the experiment). Oh, and he collects brains. Beautiful brains, at that (his words, not mine).

DO YOUR LOINS ACHE FOR MY SYNAPTIC IMPULSES?!

- Why, yes, they do. She is orgasming allover the place. With her skull cut open and her brain exposed. Also, this line deserves a prize for the best one liner ever uttered in a movie EVER.

"You are keeping a cadaver as a ...a... kind of SEX TOY?!"

- Why, yes. She ACHES FOR HIS SYNAPTIC IMPULSES! Did I already mention that I totally adore this line?


Oh, and something I bet you didn't know - today in our latest installment of "Things That Doctors Do": This woman is NOT writhing in agony.

In fact, she is not in agony at all. Far from it. Seriously, experimenting with orgasming females seems to be common practice amongst mad scientists of the Arkham Asylum-persuasion.

...anyways.

Stop looking at those boobs.

So, now our insane intern starts plunging microphones and microbes and needles into Joe's brain - to try and make the "fetal twin" talk. He does it with the subtlety of doctors all over the Lovecraftian world - by doing science to the patient. In this case, this involves electricity. Lots of electricity, in case you were wondering.


I just put that one in to distract you, because those boobs ARE distracting when trying to follow the dialogue, which doesn't make a lot of sense anyways. Hell, they are distracting when you're trying to write a review.

...perky, aren't they? Nah, I'm not staring. Far too well-behaved for that.


So behold... Amducius speaks. With MIND VOICE!

And then... sleep. And during sleep... things happen. Or rather, Amducius (thing on Joe's back/in Joe/...) happens. If you know what I mean. As in... people die when Joe sleeps, and Amducius can roam free and ...kill people...

... from beyond the wall of sleep (see what I did there?!)... *insert Re-Animator theme here*


In case you can't tell: This is an exploding head. I'd put up the second screenshot I took of this particular scene, for exploding heads give me pleasure and happyful... but you know... lazy.

So... on with the plot. Or should I make that "plot"? Our good intern gets kicked out of Arkham Asylum for political and personal reasons. But Edward is not happy - not happy at all.

There is no happyful in his mind now.

His research... gone. Dead to his family, he needs to solve the mystery of Joe and Amducius on his own. Consequently, he visits Joe's house. There's not much to see there but some corpses (massacre, remember?), bodyparts... and Edward slipping farther into the world of ... you guessed it, Amducius.

The children start talking to him (in his head) - they want to show him how they and 'their people' came to this (our) world.

Say hello to the parental units.

I won't give the details away. Let's just say that evil alien entities had a lot of incest to produce the perfect vessel for Amducius, and now the children need Edward to help them. For some reason... I think they were the leaders of the world and ruled humankind, so they need to be the chosen people again and need Daddy (Amducius). Or something. It's like... "Hey, we are the Small Ones of the Great Old Ones, could you, like... get us back to power?"

So, our hero, Edward, rushes back to the hospital. To help the critters... eh, I mean, children of... the parental units pictured above.

Arriving there, he is confronted with HORROR:

"MY BRAINS! MY BEAUTIFUL BRAINS! YOU MONSTERS! THEY WERE PERFECT SPECIMEN! THEY WERE MY BRAINS!"

...a man mourning for his brains.

A minute of silence, everyone. This is serious business. Those perfect specimen... *sheds a tear*...

...

Did I mention that this movie shows the most gratuitious kicking of mental patients by doctors ever? This also includes ramming handicapped patients with trolleys. The patients get kicked around, thrown down stuff, thrown against walls, run over, have their throats slit open, get suffocated, cut open... totally random.

Also, we get treated to cadaver-dancing. As in, doctor dancing with Ardelia, zombie-sex-toy.


Did I say dancing? Err... I mean... you know what I mean. In case you can't tell, that's the good Dr. Fenton getting rid of his restraining garments, aka pants, for he is consumed with lust for Ardelia, zombie-girl.

Sidenote: THIS is what happens after the prelude to... dancing. Yes. Dancing.


That, dear readers, is zombie-girl ripping off the skull of the good doctor who wanted to do her good. Note that tongue and lower jaw are still attached to the body. But... was this unexpected? Nah. The look on her face when he started to get rid of his pants said enough to foreshadow this.

Edward gets a little too excited with the whole Amducius-business, so he decides to drill a hole into Joe's head in order to "come to Amducius". That's when we learn that he also has drilled a hole into his own head .

Because... "The Brain needs AIR!"

...yes. Yes, of course.

Hence the overabundance of holes drilled into human foreheads in today's society. I just live in the wrong part of the world, otherwise I could possibly appreciate the wonder and beauty of the head-hole more than I do now.

Now that both of them have holes in their heads to allow the brain to breathe healthy air, our intern proceeds to directly connect himself to his ...patient (?). And he sees....

...he sees the wisdom of the ages.

If you ever come across a folder named "Wisdom of the Ages", you might find some of the following inside (and possibly more!):

A random sigil from the Lemegeton...

...a slightly psychedelic looking shot of Cthulhu on a Necronomicon sigil...

...yourself in a quite bald state of being...

...cute critters... erm, children who want you to bring their Elder God Daddy back...

...and some intestines being ripped out.

Now, as far as I remember, the original story has the being in Joe shoot out from him, becoming a star and fighting against the "adversary" in a place far away on the nightly sky. Let's see what they do here.

GROUP HUG TIME!

Let us all bow before Amducius! Brains connected in regular currents, linked to OUR MASTER AMDUCIUS!! ...ehm, sorry. Got carried away there a bit. I would NEVER BLASPHEME, MY LORD NYARLATHOTEP! *cough* Ahem.


Wait a second. Amducius looks like Bad-CGI-Cthulhu? Why does EVERYTHING Mythos- or Lovecraft-related have to look like Cthulhu?! Next thing I know is they'll depict Hastur like Cthulhu.

But, all in all: A truly delightful movie. Cheesy one-liners, brilliant dialogues, frantic cuts, and a fine parody of old film noir. Not a faithful adaption of Lovecraft, but let's be honest - what is? Stuart Gordon's Dagon aside, and to some degree also the Re-Animator series (if you pierce the scattered pieces together).

7/10 loins aching for the input of synaptic impulses

30 Days Of Night (2007)

First of all: I want to live in that town. Well, not necessarily in that specific town, but somewhere there. With a giant library, so that I can enjoy the polar night.

Now, the premise of the movie sounded awesome enough to keep me waiting for it from the second I read about it on Bloody Disgusting, Horrorwatch (defunct at the moment... *sighs*) and other horror sites I regularly frequent: The small town of Barrow, Alaska, on the Arctic circle is preparing for their 30 days of night. Oh, blessed darkness.

And not just people like me who have a personal problem with the evil daystar want to come there, no! Vampires like that area as well... after all, it's 30 days of night. No sunlight. Nothing but darkness. You COULD call it "paradise".

But alas... let me state here that I watched the whole "30 Days of Night: Blood Trails" shorts before I ever got to see "30 Days of Night", and I loved it. I loved the blood, the gore, the violence, the vampires, the story.

And then I watched the movie.

Let me put it like this: I was disappointed.

#00: People - that is, normal people who aren't vampires - don't burn like that to what we are treated in the beginning of the movie. People leave more... you know... STUFF... behind. Dammit, Raimi, us scientists are cheap anyways because we don't really earn a lot at university. Do yourself a favour and hire a guy from the institute for autopsies and dead stuff next time, okay?

"Last sunset in a month... it's worth seeing." - Why? What is it that people value so much about sunlight? Granted, it helps plants to grow and bothers me... but what's so wonderful and special about it?

And of course we get our standard romantic subplot - a couple broke up, but there's still tension between them (aka "they still love one another").

By the way, I forgot to do my bed tonight. Fleh.

So yeah, our dramatic couple broke up, and they're both not yet over it. Foreshadowing....... either they'll be lovers again, or kill one another, or both, or one will kill the other in an act of love. There are only so many ways this can turn out.

To try and explain the plot: The 30 days of night are here. A stranger arrives on a ship, and it's presumably him who kills all the dogs in the small town of Barrow, Alaska. The people there have no real alternative to get out of the town besides by ...dog... so, well. The townspeople are trapped in the small settlement.

I loved it that the stranger killed all the dogs. Don't get me wrong, I love animals, but it is a good strategy if you want to keep a settlement of isolated people even more isolated. As in "can't get out".

Did I ever mention that I LOVE machines that rip people up and devour them and grind them into pieces? Very small pieces? No? Well, I do.
...and you know that such a machine will be part of the plot later. Otherwise they wouldn't show it in detail. No SIMPLE machine gets such a nice, long screentime without playing a role later on.

Rules of 30 Days of Night:

#01: Always look behind you.
#02: Always be on your guard.
#03: Don't let them bite you.
#04: Don't let them drink your blood.
#05: Don't even think about letting them eat your flesh.
#06: People who eat raw meat or wanr it raw and red and bloody are not to be trusted.
#07: Trust me on that. (Hah! Irony! *manic laughter*)
#08: Never trust someone who addresses people with the term 'human' resp. 'humans'.
#09: If they do all of the above AND look like hippies, punks, bikers or psychobillys... RUN.
#10: If your friend disappears from before your very own eyes and then drops dead out of the air in front of you... RUN FAST.
#11: The electricity isn't working? Get out of here, quick.
#12: The PCs are not working properly? Start to get worried.
#13: The electricity stops working and all the PCs are fucked up even before that. Get out. NOW. FAST.
#14: Someone's missing? Wait until a) they show up again, unharmed, b) it's day again, c) they show up again. If c) happens before it's day again and they are NOT unharmed... kill them. It's better for everyone involved. ESPECIALLY you.
#15: DON'T form attachments of any kind!
#16: Vampires in '30 Days of Night' are too awesome for mortals.
#17: Vampires are awesomely cool.
#18: Burning down stuff is awesomely cool and a lot of fun. It's what vampires do.

"Doug Hertz: You keep shooting and they just... they just keep coming.
Carter Davies: How's that possible?
Doug Hertz: I don't know. Maybe they're all coked up on PCP or something, you know? They don't feel any bullets."
- yeah.... ignorant idiots. Because PCP will make you do that. It's like pummelling a zombie in the face and then complaining that the guy must be on acid not to ...react. I know, bad analogy.

Now, let's face the movie's big problem:

It is boring as hell.

The first half is just setting up the mood and situation. Yes, one or two scenes are really nice... but one or two scenes can't save a movie.

After the vampires start running wild in Barrow and we get one nice "death count view" (aka, "corpses lying on the ground and vampires running around to get more food"), which is already a bit boring AND a tad ridiculous, it's just.... it doesn't work.

It's not creepy.
It has no suspense whatsoever.
It's not interesting....
... it's just a huge disappointment, if you waited for the movie as long as I did.

The very second I heard about this movie, I wanted to see it. I waited and waited and waited. I watched every preview, every trailer, looked at every picture, read everything about it and couldn't wait to see it.

It says a lot about my interest in a movie and about how awesome and suspenseful it is when I start practicing guitar leads whilst watching it.

"Vampires don't exist!" - *grins*

On with practicing the lead (I'm a natural rhythm guitarist, I have to force my fingers to do leads properly)...

...
....
.....
......
........
..........holy crap.

Practicing scales on the guitar is more interesting than watching this. And I don't like practicing scales.

If you ever should be torn between watching '30 Days of Night' or 'House MD' or anything else... go with 'House MD' or 'ANYTHING ELSE BUT 30DON'. This movie is boring like fuck.

Oooooooh! ZOMG, the infected vampiric people make noises that are copletely non-scary and act completely non-scary or -instinctual. As in, you would expect an awesome vampire creature with awesome teeth to react a tad differently. But not them, oh no! Brats.

Dammit, I still can't play that lead at the appropriate speed (208).

Seriously, the "suspension" of this... movie... just trails off and gets lost somewhere along the way.

Tedious.

Boring.

#19: Vampire kids are awesome. VERY awesome. This is practically the first really awesome thing in this goddamn slow movie.

...

.......uhm?

HUH?

'30 Days of Night'?
What is it with the sun? Where did the time go? How did it pass?!

Idiotic movie.

Shitty, boring semi-finale. Lovely blood, though. And a crappy "ending". And I mean 'REALLY CRAPPY'. Ridiculous, unbelievable, stupid.

I really tried to find this movie interesting. Rearranging 'House of the Rising Sun' was more interesting... I just CAN'T find 30DoN interesting. I can't. It's too boring.

Too stupid, even.

At 1:32:23. I already want it to be over, but NO, it's 1:54.... YAY.

Apparently, those 1:36 took place during 29 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) days. Yeah, sure. Where are the problems like hunger? When do our protagonists sleep? What about normal human things - eating, drinking, social contact, sleeping? *sighs*

But I have to admit, vampires burning down a town is AWESOME. Because the vampires are awesome and cool. At least I like them...

In the end, we get a plot twist that I am sure most people have already seen coming. Nonetheless, it is a nice twist and gives the movie a slightly different direction than the loads of modern vampire movie crap out there... although it is still predictable. VERY predictable in fact.
And a newly awakened/turned vampire has no chance against an elder. Just to note that. Because I am a geek. Yes.

I would love to be able to give it 10/10. Or 9/10. But I just can't.

4/10 because of cool vampires that are much better than "traditional" hollywood vampires. Plot? Forget it.

Teeth (2007)

I want to start this review with a small anecdote.

In my 7th semester at university, I attended a class about ethnolinguistics. You see, I like ethnolinguistics. I read a few books about it, and when I saw that a class was being offered, I instantly thought "why, this will be awesome!".

What did I get? An old idiot talking about the Matako-tribe and that every single culture in the whole world has a vagina dentata myth.

Being a person who loves mythology, I was a bit weirded out. I like to think that I know a lot of myths from a lot of cultures... and, funnily enough, I know of no single vagina dentata myth. Of course, I had heard about the vagina dentata before - from psychology classes, frankly. I learned about one myth about it (a Matako myth, funnily enough); I am more familiar with the psychological background of it. So, this movie automatically fails in my book when the heroine states that sooooo many cultures have a vagina detata myth. I somehow seem to have overlooked them... IF the movie's assumption is correct. Which it isn't.

On to the movie.

First of all - what is the big deal about virginity? I just don't get it. Maybe it's because I'm a depraved individual who likes sex and isn't married... maybe it is because I think that whole "virginity is a gift from GOD!"-thing is absolutely stupid. Probably my fault.

Oh, I forgot. A short synopsis is needed for those of you who haven't heard about the movie yet:
Dawn is a nice, innocent, pure young lady. I can't stress the "pure" aspect enough. She is a virgin, talks about virginity being a gift from god (that YHVH guy), is pure and intends to stay that way until she marries. Because when you're married, having sex is okay as opposed to sex out of wedlock. *nods gravely*
She lives with her parents and her stepbrother, who is mean and evil and wants to do the nasty with her. There is some sort of subplot (?) there about Dawn's mother being sick, but I had the impression that it was just crammed in by the writers to... I don't know. It is essentially pointless.

Ah, screw it.

"Teeth" is a movie about a girl whose crotch has shark-like teeth and is able to cut of male genitalia when inserted. There you go, that's all the synopsis and plot you need in order to understand this movie.

Also, I want to add that the dumb blonde who we are supposed to sympathise with (Dawn) is a terrible motivational speaker. She just sucks at it. Terribly. I don't know who had the idea that this creature should be portrayed as a really good speaker, but there are some problems with that: She sucks at it (yes, I want to reiterate this point to drive it home). So either I am used to higher standards, or maybe Mitchell Lichtenstein just doesn't know how to write good speeches, or maybe American virginity-freaks are just dumb enough to be impressed by very little (no insult intended to those American virginity-freaks who read this - I respect your beliefs and your faith and think you are awesomely strong-willed not to have sex. I wouldn't be able to do that, so kudos to you. Don't tell your deity to eat me. Please?)... but the whole "talking about virginity"-thing had me dumbfounded. I wondered when someone would finally drag her off the stage... so the whole "you're really good!"-reaction from EVERYONE was a tad unexpected. Alas, judge for yourself.

The mood of this movie is a sickeningly happy one - virginity apparently does that to people, and to the world around them. So, until the virginity and assorted purity lasts, we are bombarded with "happyful".



Because virginity spreads happyful.

(Yes, I know that this word doesn't exist. But the Palmolive company apparently thought differently, and because I find it hilarious, I am using it repeatedly. Maybe I will be the one to kickstart a new trend - the trend of happyful and joy. So please, use the word and revel in the fact that some companies are too stupid to hire someone who can speak English. Or maybe they thought native German speakers can't speak English and won't notice the mistake... anyways, "happyful" still is an awesome word. Say it out loud. "Happyful". See? Now smile and say it again. "Happyful". It is ridiculously funny... but that might just be my skewed sense of humour. In case you don't find the term funny... well, then I can't help you. Only evil people who go to basement cat do not find joy in happyful. I apologise for this tangent, we now go back to our regularly scheduled movie review.)

At this point, I should probably say something about the "deep symbolism" of the movie.
The movie starts out with threateningly, dark nuclear facility looming over the wonderful, pleasant landscape. They look very phallic.
This movie has phallic images in... well, quite a lot of scenes. It also has a lot of yonic imagery. It is pretty obvious if you watch this... this... thing... movie.
There are nuclear powerplants (with dark and evil smoke), trees, caves, holes... more caves... actually, it's just one cave. It's the cave where "people go to... you know". Heck, these teens seem to be afraid of the term "sex" or ANYTHING that has to do with it. Before staring at aforementioned cave in terror, they are going to the movies. And they impose it on themselves not to watch anything with sexual insinuations in it.

"Even the PG-13 is going to have heavy making out..."
(the group of faithful, blessed virgins is standing in front of the cinema and tries to find out which movie they can watch without defiling their purity)

...excuse me?
Being from the magical land far, far away from the USA - a place sometimes called Oirope - I suffer from a condition called "Oiropeanism". It basically means that I don't understand a lot of the thought processes of the people from the Empire of Good. So... are there really people who don't even WATCH anything sex-related because it might lead to impure thoughts? It is hard for me to believe that. And I grew up in a catholic village with about 1000 inhabitants (I routinely add at this point that half of them were cows), a population density of 32/km², lots of churches and lots of god-fearing christians who insisted on occasionally trying to stone me. I am used to christianity being weird. But that whole purity thing...
...it's not true, is it? Please tell me there are no real teenagers like that.

Anyways.

"Teeth" is also one of the few movies I have ever seen in which the stereotypes are so painful that it, well, hurts. Take the evil stepbrother, for example:



He has tattoos, wears combat boots, has a lot of posters on the walls of his room, smokes cigarettes, smokes weed, listens to metal. I bet the fiend even drinks alcohol. If there ever was a stereotype... The very second you hear some death metal booming through the walls, you know that evil has found a way to infiltrate the pure world full of happyful that Dawn inhabits as a virgin.

But even pure virgins something like to touch themselves. You know how it is. Now, I have read quite extensively about sexual paraphilias, fetishes, you name it. My parents had a sex-store in the basement of the music-store they ran when I was a child. I practically grew up next to vibrators, handcuffs and a healthy appreciation of sexuality. And guitars. Gods, thinking about it... that might explain partly why I turned out the way I did. Anyways, right next to my bed, I have a really awesome book by Magnus Hirschfeld about deviant sex, and Krafft-Ebing's "Psychopathia Sexualis". Trust me when I say I am no stranger to weird stuff.

I was not prepared for what I had to see, though.

Dawn masturbates to the thought of getting married.

Read that again.

It is a positively creepy scene. Especially since the shots are really pretty and artistic... *shivers* However, I have to congratulate Mitchell Lichtenstein: You, good sir, managed to invent a new paraphilia. I salute you. Would that be matrimoniophilia? Nuptiaephilia? Iugophilia? Whatever fancy name we choose, it is positively creepy. Says the person who writes short stories involving necrophilia. Either something is very wrong with me, or with masturbating to the thought of getting married. I personally prefer the latter.

To be concise for once: Dawn + iugophilia/matrimoniophilia/nuptiaephilia = DO NOT WANT!



Anyways, what has been seen cannot be unseen, so I have to live with that. If any of you are turned on by the thought of getting married, and I mean "turned on and touching yourself in naughty places"-turned on, then by all means, watch that movie. If you aren't... try to pay no attention to the scene. Trust me, it's better for your soul.

Our pure virgin then decides that she can't EVER meet the guy whom she imagined in a tuxedo again (he is a fellow "purity is so awesome!"-member, although he is only a virgin in the eyes of the lord (YHVH), for he knows the dangers that sex poses firsthand... he's been there, man...). Shortly after that decision, she calls him to go swimming with her. Near the cave. Where people go to... you know. Do the nasty.
So they meet, go swimming, fool around, kiss, touch... and then she is all like "purity!" as she swims away... into the cave.

I could say a lot about the cave now. The cave is not only the vulva, it is also the womb and the birth channel, through which we all are born into this world of happyful (or not, depending on your personal social setting and genetic predisposition and upbringing and general environment etc. etc. pp.). It is a gray area of change - passing through the birth channel, out of the womb, marks a liminal state. And we all know that liminal states have always been important and powerful in our psyche (I personally blame a lack of ritualised liminal states and transitions - the classical rite de passage - for a lot of our today's youth's problems, and I include myself in that).
The cave here thus represents the transition of one state to another.

Dawn enters the cave as a pure, innocent virgin, undefiled and... well, pure. As pure as it gets.
Tobey enters the cave as a young man with healthy sexual desires. Hell, he hasn't even jacked off since Easter (definitely a special way to celebrate the coming of the Easter Bunny... O_o)! He enters as a healthy young man with a penis.

You can see where this is going, right? Transitions...

I want to make something clear here: Dawn is not behaving very "pure" in this scene. She doesn't send out mixed signals. She sends out very clear signals. And those signals scream "I want to have sex with you!". I am a woman, I know how we are. I mean, look at the body language employed by Dawn, resp. the actress playing her (Jess Weixler, who does a great job in this movie). She is cockteasing the guy royally. Look at her smiles. She wants him. Clearly. EVERYTHING in that scene points towards it. She wants teh sex. I have watched this movie three times now - the first time just to know what to expect, the second time to pay proper attention to it and to write a coherent review, and the third time with female friends to see if my opinions are convergent with the female population or not. They apparently are. So - me and three other women agree that she is teasing her dear Tobey and really wants to see how much of a member of the purity club he is. Pun intended.

And we all came to the same conclusion: If you want to keep your virginity intact, don't fool around with guys like that.

What follows is the most unbelievable characterisation of a male teenager/young adult ever. In short: Tobey is overcome with lust at the touch of Dawn's nubile young body against his ("don't fool around with guys if you want to keep your virginity intact..."), gets rid of his pants, and sticks his member into her vagina. She is opposed to this happening... and we hear a wet, crunching sound. Followed by Tobey shrieking like a girl.

The transition has been made: Dawn is no longer pure and innocent and a virgin. She world's shortest rape made sure about that. On the other hand, Tobey has been robbed of his manliness. In a very literal way. Witness exhibit A: Chomped-off penis, by virtue of vagina dentata.




Now, this scene seems to be a controversial one. Is it rape? Well, in a way, yes. She didn't want him to insert stick A into slot B, so it was against her will. She struggled a bit. Followed by 5 seconds of rape. Now whether you classify this as rape or not depends on your personal definition of rape and your personal experiences. I am not sure on the whole issue. Also, this is a bit of a loaded topic for me, so let's just say that I agree that he stuck his member into her against her wishes at that moment, but that she WAS cockteasing him the entire time before, kissed him, let him touch her etc. But maybe my brain just works differently.

I also want to add that the scene is not gory in the least. I expected blood gushing everywhere, screams of pain, stumbling around, graphic depictions of dismembered guys (Hah! Do you see what I did there?!). What we get is... well. Not a lot. I expected more from a self-styled horror movie. But maybe it's a horror movie for guys only?

It might be time for me to draw your attention to the only creepy scene in the movie: Dawn, the day after her 5 seconds rape and loss of her purity, has to hold one of those brilliant speeches of hers about purity. She can't do it because she is still traumatised from what happened.
And man, the audience of christian purity-freak-teens was creepy. Hissing and chanting stuff about satan and the garden of eden and the snake... weird. Totally weird.

Dawn decides to visit a gynecologist - to see if anything is wrong down there with her. Her problem is that she picked the wrong gynecologist. See, this is one of the reasons why I tell young girls to have their first visit to a gyn either with a parent or, even easier, choosing a female one.
The second she replies to the question whether that is her first visit to a gynecologist with "yes", you can see the expression on the guy's face. It says "ooh, innocent, fresh meat that doesn't know what is okay and what not".
Long story short: He starts fisting her. To test for "flexibility".

Of course, her toothed vulva takes care of that problem by severing 4 fingers of the good doctor. Retaliation can be a bitch. Or a cunt, in this specific case.

The whole scene becomes freakin' hilarious when the doctor is down on the floor, staring at his bleeding hand and yelling "VAGINA DENTATA!" over and over again whilst our heroine flees the scene of her... well. Her crotch cutting off a pervert's fingers.

At this point, I want to point out the similarity between the teeth-imagery present in the movie and the phallic imagery. The cave where people go to... you know... has been described by Jared of Head Injury Theater as "a warm, wet cave that, much like the main character, seems to have teeth". My first impression was that the toothy things can also represent penises aggressively penetrating into the cave. I think it's one of those many-layered images - penis, tooth... Also, the vagina dentata is pretty much the stereotypical inversion of male sexuality, if only in a slightly weird way: The male penis penetrates, "cuts" through the hymen when defloration occurs. Dawn's defloration happens the same way - she loses a gift that she valued. At the same time, she does more or less the same to poor Tobey by cutting (biting?) off his penis. It is an act of penetration - her vagoo's teeth sink themselves into his fragile penis and destroy it, changing him forever. I am not going to make a comment about the hypothetical third gender in Mesopotamia now.

Well, back to our movie.
Dawn, hysterical and close to a nervous breakdown after this incident, seeks out Ryan, a guy who wants to fuck her and made a bet to do so with one of his friends. She goes to him to cry and whine about having a vagina dentata. Of course, he doesn't believe her.

For some reason, she takes a bath at his place, and gets some psychopharmacy to calm her down. I don't know what pills he gave her, but damn, they must be good stuff. If any of you know what it was, tell me. I have Xanax and Diazepam to trade ;)

Anyways, she gets out of the bath, is high from the pills, and comes into a room full of candles... romantic stuff. Ryan, her saviour and provider of baths, gets her in the mood, starts fondling her when she more or less passes out... and then she wakes up.

"Do you want me to stop?"
She smiles at him and says "no".

That, my dear readers, is not date rape. It looks like consensual sex to me. He asked before he inserted you-know-what into you-know-what, and she said it was fine. And lo and behold, he doesn't get mutilated by the vagina dentata.

Not yet.

We find Dawn in the bathroom, looking at her nude body. This is one of the reasons why I'd personally say that this movie isn't about female empowerment. She needs to get raped before she develops character and strength (not to mention a man-member-eating vagina) - that's not female empowerment. In my opinion, this movie is about coming to grips with one's own body and one's sexual urges. Sex IS a weapon. It is so in today's society, and it has always been. In this specific case, it really is a weapon in the truest sense of the word.

Dawn, being okay with her body and her sexuality, promptly jumps onto Ryan before leaving to get some more fun. That's where things get awkward.

Guys: Don't tell a girl you're fucking and who seems to be happy with you that you made a bet to get her into bed. Some of us don't react too kindly to that. And pray that those who don't react kindly to something like that aren't a mutation with shark teeth in their crotch.

Let's just say that Ryan is not exactly virile after that confession anymore.


Dawn leaves the bleeding Ryan, pissed off that she was just game for him. Although I have to say he appeared to actually like her... but alas. We can be weird. Women, I mean. We employ Fuzzy Logic, after all.

The movie ends with Dawn learning that her mother has died, and that her stepbrother didn't do anything to help poor old mom. And you know what that means.

It means war.
War by crotch.

It is a weird movie. Honestly, I don't really know what to make of it. It certainly isn't the kind of horror movie I am used to - frankly, I am reluctant to classify it as horror. It's not a comedy either. It's not a feminist movie either, at least as far as I am concerned (and I am armed with a whole semester of gender studies - granted, gender studies about Ancient Mesopotamia, but hey, I at least learnt the basics). It is not a movie about female empowerment, because the only empowerment, if that word has to be used, happens after rape and being treated like a sex object, not a human being.

I still stand by my opinion: It's about accepting your own body and your sexual desires. It also is about being used, and a young girl learning to cope with that.
With a penis-dismembering vagina.

Weird on so many levels...

4/10 crunchy sounds before a dismembered penis (I did it again! Hah!) drops out of a toothy vagina.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Well, I am pleasantly surprised. I honestly went into this movie expecting nothing at all, besides maybe a boring zombie flick. Let me uniformly state that I have been reformed. As of now, I like zombie movies.

Now, this movie has managed what only very few horror movies manage to do - it kept me on the edge of my seat for the whole time, and sometimes, my jaw just dropped.

Now, I guess everyone knows the premise of the movie (even I did, and I had never seen the original): During a zombie outbreak of magnificent magnitute, a group of survivors hides in a mall. Doesn't sound too interesting, mh? Well, that's what I thought as well.

BUT...

From the beginning on, Dawn of the Dead keeps a fast pacing - not too fast, mind you, and I really enjoyed it. There are hardly minutes in which nothing happens - fast, tight, and good. I am refraining from making a quickie-joke now.
Also, the introductory scenes - when everything is still "normal", that is, without the living dead running around - provide a very good contrast to the terror that follows. Especially since you know exactly that all hell is going to break lose, if you have ever seen a horror movie. I was gleefully thinking "enjoy your last peaceful hours... you won't have any for a long time."




I will never be able again to see that without instantly thinking of this:

AWESOME! It's the End of Days! I love it.

And I want to reiterate again that running zombies are just so much better than slow, shambling zombies. I don't care how many of them are running around, if I can out"run" them with a leisurely pace, I just don't feel threatened. Running zombies, however... creepy as hell. And the noises they make are awesome and just all around perfect.

Also, it's the small details that really enhanced the movie-experience for me.

Greater Milwaukee Area - YOU'RE SO FUCKED.

And now... the opening credits start, complete with Johnny Cash's "The Man Comes Around". Awesome. I already am hooked on the movie, and it hasn't even started properly.

Also, I am apparently psychic when it comes to horror flicks. The second I saw the pregnant woman I was wondering how the baby would be affected by an infection. Because that's stuff I am thinking about. Far too much, some might say.

As soon as our survivors have arrived in the mall and cleansed it from zombies, the movie starts to show the side that I consider to be its main strength: The emotional impact of their situation is superbly played by the actors. Even the annoying characters were portrayed really good. Blame it on my usual fare of indies and obscure B-Movies, but the acting was superb all the way through.

Dawn of the Dead really managed to capture the social dynamics of our group of survivors par excellence. In a world where there is nothing but your own survival, humans become what they essentially are: Wolves at each one another's throats. Add to that the ever-present feeling of distrust and the dynamics of power, and you're in for a ride through the darkness of what humans are willing to do to survive in rough times. And I guess a zombie apocalypse counts as "rough times"...

And I want to add that I have a soft spot for Ken Foree. He delivered the classic lines that pretty much everyone knows with an eerie intensity. You all know what I'm talking about.

"When there's no more room in Hell, the Dead will walk the Earth."

And oh, Andy. Andy is stranded alone in his gun store across the mall's zombie-infested parking lot. And when I say "zombie-infested" I mean "fucking hell, that's...OMG...".
I got to love Andy. The genuinely oppressive mood of the movie actually gets a bit of a lighter touch through that guy (and he's one hell of a shot as well). I had to laugh out loud when he and Kenneth, the police seargeant, played chess. It was a much needed moment of lightheartedness, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Things start to get downhill from there. Another group of survivors of humanity's collapse before the zombie apocalypse arrive - one of them an extremely ugly woman who is so obviously dying that I had to wonder why anyone would care to do anything else than mercykilling her. Well, of course that fat lady was infected - and our "heroes" (I use the term reluctantly) finally find out how the epidemic spreads.

Again, it's the small details that made this movie shine for me. After the fat woman dies, no one knows her name. You'll know what I'm talking of when you see it.

Also, the zombie-shooting with Andy was awesome. "Burt Reynolds!" I was giggling uncontrollably.

I don't want to give away too much of the plot, but a few more points: The first use of fire against the zombies down in the underground parking garage was unsettling and really powerful, in every way this can be taken.

Of course, I shouldn't forget the pregnancy. If you're anything like me, you'll know that a pregnant woman in a horror flick is pretty much game. Unless it's one of those tame PC-movies. Dawn of the Dead gives us exactly what we expected from the beginning: Zombie pregnancy! At which point I have to confess that I didn't manage to keep my suspension of disbelief up. I mean, look at this:




Does that look like anything else than a zombie baby to you? No? Well, that's what I thought. The question is... how long have they been trapped in the mall? We don't get to know how long it is, but judging from the fact that Andy was trapped alone in his gun store across the parking lot, not THAT long, because even a gun-toting awesome guy like Andy can't possibly have had that much food stored in his house.

So, the question is... when did the baby die? And as it doesn't look as if it died only when its mother finally went to heaven or something like that... shouldn't it have tried to get out of the womb or eat its way out? I am still pondering that.

Anyways, the pregnancy really made me squirm uncomfortably. There's something about bloated bellies that just makes me feel slightly sick.

Now those were the pros.

Cons?

The blood was too bright and looked clearly fake. It never appears to dry on people's faces/arms/wounds/whatever either, and the consistency is a bit too... squishy and fluid.

Also, there were three characters that just annoyed the shit out of me. One was Andre, a young black man (and, incidentally, batshit insane and father-to-be of zombie-baby), the other one his stupid Russian wife, and the teenage girl (who really doesn't look like a teenager - I look more like a teenager then her, and I'm 24).

Those are pretty much the only negative points I can bring up... asides from a few WTF?!-moments.

First - how the fuck does the zombified neighbour girl get into the house? Don't people in the US lock their doors? That was a big WTF? for me.

Another point was the utter obliviousness of the characters to horror movies. I mean, granted, it would have taken some of the tension away if they had figured out that the ...people, and I use the term loosely, they are up to are zombies. But good Gods, at least ONE person should have mentioned something like zombies. Movies don't happen in a cultural vacuum... Also, good plain logic? If someone who only has one arm left and looks pretty much dead runs at you with frighteningly high speed, I'd figure to shoot them somewhere else than in the leg. Like in the head. Or maybe I have watched to many movies or am far too interested into undead things that go bump in the night.

Also, where did crazy "I'm going to be a daddy!"-guy get his ammo from? The guy generally cracked me up, in a negative way. With his stupid wife.

"We need to go to the hospital!" - HELLLOOOOOOOOO?! ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?!

But yeah, those were the only things that pissed me off a bit, and they were obviously outweighed by the sheer awesomeness that is the remake of Dawn of the Dead.

A truly nerve-wrecking hell of a ride, with a superb soundtrack and score. And make sure you sit through the credits! This movie deserves bonus points for severed zombie head and lots of more zombie goodness. Gory enough to satisfy gorehounds, and it delves right into the mayhem, destruction, brutality and hopelessness that such a Dawn of the Dead would produce.
Awesome.

9.5/10

Cannibal Flesh Riot! (2006?)

First "official" review, and hell, I get to review a movie that has been ignored by the sites I usually frequent as a lurking ghost.

Cannibal Flesh Riot!

Don't stop reading now - the title of the movie might sound like crap, but trust me... this is a movie that every fan of old-school horror with a sense of humour needs to see. And I want to emphasise the "NEEDS TO SEE".

I can't really talk about the plot, for doing so would rob you of the whole joy that this movie produces (I already wrote another review of it, and the abundance of terms like "awesome", "perfect", "perfect in so many ways" etc. - I'd add the Sumerian terms, but hey, I'm already annoying enough - was too overwhelming. And I mean TOO overwhelming...) and gives.

One word:

Perfect.

To elaborate further - Cannibal Flesh Riot! is why the medium of film was created. I am serious about this - the dialogues are wonderful, and the visuals are as well. To be frank, the dialogue is what keeps this short by Gris Grimly (www.madcreator.com) alive, kicking, and makes the movie an absolute must.

Two ghouls make their way to a grave, discussing how to deal with the police if some of those guys come to your house and walk into your kitchen (not such a good thing to happen if you happen to have bloody remains of human hands lying around), or how to use condiments - because human flesh gets really boring after a few decades. Gods, I can empathise with that... erm... I mean, I can't. I wouldn't ever think of making people spice up their food to... uh...

Yes.
Cannibal Flesh Riot!...

Frankly, it's the best movie (I'll call it a movie, even though it's a 34 minutes short) I've ever seen. The two protagonists have a nearly perfect coordination, their acting is more than brilliant (take the "condiments trauma", for example), and hell... it's awesome. Personally, I could have done without the end, but hell - this short is awesome anyways. Ghouls! Ancient, redneck ghouls, talking about condiments and how to prepare a dead guy in a way that humans don't notice that what they eat is in fact a rotting corpse. And the commercial-induced trauma... Gods, my whole life consisted of waiting for this scene, for it is awesome and brilliant, ironic and... well, it just illustrates the relationship between the two main characters - Stash and Hub - perfectly. But judge for yourself.

The dialogues are just brilliant. And I mean "brilliant". This short is an example for how to make a perfect (although a few sickos might disagree with that) movie. I know, I might repeat myself now, but... brilliant.
Someone who eats corpses, talking about humanity's tendency to depict its food in an anthropomorphic fashion, is so surreal... so surreal that it hits you straight in the face and you suddenly realise the reality behind that statement.

Holy crap, I love this movie. And I love it so fucking much... ghouls, condiments, corpses, cannibalism, implied murder... Just fucking perfect. Fans of ironic/sarcastic horror with a light note to it but yet in the mood of the old 50ies flicks we all enjoyed so much - get it. Cannibal Flesh Riot! will make you happy.

And who the fuck came up with strawberry-banana-vinegrette?!

11/10 anthropomorphic radishes drowning in condiments

__________________________________________________
This is the first version of the review; I wrote it in a state of not being exactly sober, but I think it conveys my feelings about this movie pretty good. Enjoy... or not.

I'm usually not someone who starts off a review with positive things.

But "Cannibal Flesh Riot!" is...
... more than just perfect.

I have seen a lot of low-budget B-Movies. I have seen a lot of low-budget Z-Movies - hell, I was playing a part in one of the worst Z-Movies ever made (and I'm not proud of that).

Cannibal Flesh Riot! is what the medium of film has been created for. And I mean that.

This short by Gris Grimly (if you don't know him, check him out - his artwork is outstanding) is what I'd call the perfect movie. And I mean PERFECT.

Basically, the story follows two ghouls on their way through a cemetary to get their fresh, dead human meat. And frankly, I've never seen a better movie than "Cannibal Flesh Riot!".
The dialogues are more than just brilliant. Gris Grimly (I only knew him for his awesome children's books) really managed to create something that can't be described by the word "awesome" here - "Cannibal Flesh Riot!" is the best movie I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of great movies.

First, the dialogues are pure genius. I mean, you have to realise what scenery you are watching in order to understand how freaking awesome it is:
Two ghouls - people who eat corpses, and ONLY eat corpses - run around a cemetary, talking about how condiments improve the taste of a dead human - or talking about how a commercial for condiments scarred one of the characters for life.
What you have to realise is that one of the protagonists - a guy who eats people! - got traumatised by seeing a commercial about condiments. He is a cannibal, and he is just digging up a corpse - but he is worried about humanity's tendency to depict their food like people. We also get dialogues about condiments in general, and the question how the fuck someone came up with strawberry-banana-vinegrette.

Some people said that the dialogue of the two protagonists, Stash and Hub, is tiresome and not interesting.
I have to disagree.
The movie "Cannibal Flesh Riot!" is one of the best movies I've ever seen. The protagonists, Stash and Hub, are persons we can feel for, persons we can sympathise with.

Dustin Loreque, who plays Hub, the not exactly too intelligent Ghoul, does a great job of portraying the character. His acting is just perfect - he is the abused, non-important "sidekick" to the character of Stash (played by David Backhaus). Hub, the hunchback, is the petty, stupid character - a hunchback who isn't able to understand the real world. Nonetheless, he has an insight to how reality works that is just perfect. He might appear stupid, but he thinks about stuff that just makes your mind stop because it's so true.

On to Stash (who is, as already mentioned above, played by David Backhaus).
The character is just perfect. Backhaus manages to portray the vision of Gris Grimly perfectly. And, frankly, he's sexy as fuck. But that might just be me and my skewed sense of attractiveness in males. Uhm. Yes.
The make-up is perfect, and Backhaus portrays the character in an impossibly perfect way. His movements are more than just perfect, his voice just fits the character so very well... I think that my fan-girliness is something that can't be denied (well, obviously...).
Backhaus plays the character of Stash with such a perfection... it is nearly unbelievable. Both Backhaus and Loreque are perfect for the roles of Stash and Hub, and, frankly, I've never seen two actors having that kind of utterly, amazingly perfect coordination.
The two actors are the protagonists of the movie... but besides that, they dominate the movie in a very positive way.
Usually, I am a fan of action-driven movies... but, hell, trust me when I say this:

Film has been created for "Cannibal Flesh Riot!".

The dialogues are brilliant - utterly, absolutely brilliant. The story is intriguing, and... fuck, the story is just brilliant.

And the DVD is perfect as well. I've bought quite a lot of so-called "limited edition"-DVDs... and none of them EVER got me excited.
But this DVD did.

Holy crap, I'm trying to make this movie sound as amazing and awesome as it is, but I seem to be unable to do so.
Please: Ghouls are awesome. Ghouls are people, too. Think of the ghouls.

Because ghouls are more than just awesome.

And this is not exactly an objective review of the movie. This is where I used the words "awesome" and "perfect" for a hideously lot of times. Believe me, I tried to redo it. But, somehow, those two words sneak in all the time. And I can't even talk to friends about the movie without going off the "awesome" and "perfect" tangent. I guess it just shows how much I am in love with this particular movie.

Try to get it somewhere. Don't download it. Downloading it would be an insult to Gris Grimly and his vision (I am tempted to capitalise "His" now because of the sheer awesomeness of the thing). It is available for a good prize at madcreator.com, Gris Grimly's homepage... and trust me, you won't regret it. Unless you are that particular breed of person who doesn't like horror shorts and brilliant humour.

I give it 11 out of 10 radishes drowned in condiments.

Really. It's perfect.